Should I stay married to a man who is controlling and always wanting me to change?

Question

I have been married for 5 years and unhappy almost the whole time. We only knew eachother about 3 months before we got married. He is a coach and very set in his ways. He doesn't even realize the abnormality of his controlling behavior. Family and friends say that I act totally different around him. He doesn't allow me to drink alcohol or anything of that nature.

Answer 1

Nope...I'm proof it will not work...You will slowly die inside and life is meant to be lived....

Answer 2

Keywords here: Control and allow............NO WAY should you put up with behavior like this. As an adult, you are free to do whatever you want to. NO ONE has the right to tell you, you cant do something, especially a husband who should be supportive. You are his wife, not his daughter. Respect yourself and move on.

Answer 3

I was in your shoes 17 years ago. I'm 35 years old now.
Let me tell you that your situation will only get worse as time goes on. Has your husband been more controlling now than you first were married? My guess would be "yes."

Where do you see yourself in 5 or 10 years? Do you want to spend those years or the rest of your life being unhappy and trying to please him, but yet, still can't satisfy him? No matter what you do, you'll never please him. Why? He's controlling, and selfish. He's selfish in the sense that he doesn't even let you "express yoursef" through your thoughts, your passions, your ideas, goals, dreams. You can't live your life for him. You need to live your life for your YOURSELF.

I've since re-married for 12 years now. I'm happier. I put myself through college. I have a corporate job now (I used to be a stay-at-home wife since my ex-husband didn't let me work). I have friends, spend time with family, do fun stuff with the girls. Those are things that I wasn't able to do in my previous relationship. Why? Because it bothered him that I was being happy without him, and he took all those things away slowly.... but surely .... until I became isolated. The point came that my family didn't even visited me anymore because they didn't want to cause trouble. I couldn't even say hello to my neighbors! That's when I got out. I've enjoyed life since I left my ex. I'm still enjoying it!

Oh, I had two daughters with my first marriage. They were 2 and 3 when I decided to leave. Was it easy? No! I had no job skills, no money, no place to go other than a shelter. Which I had to find a place to live in 3-4 weeks. I took two jobs to get on my feet. I never looked back. I looked toward my future and my daughters, too.

TODAY, my daughters are very well-known in school. They are smart, happy, very active in their school, very influential, volunteer in the community, and traveled. Their quality of life would not be possible if I had stayed in my previous, un-happy, destructive marriage.

The hardest thing for me was getting out. It will be for you too. You'll have feelings of wanting to go back; which is normal. But, I looked toward my future and my girls. Again, where did I see myself in 5 or 10 years? More bitter or experience life? I chose life. And, that gave me the strength, determination to go forward and improve myself. If I had to do it again, I would.

Life is short to be bitter, unhappy. Based on your message, you've been married for 5 years. You've been unhappy the whole time? You need to get out of that "Unhealthy" relationship. I don't think all of the counseling in the world would make your husband change......

You need to decide if you want to live for your husband or live for yourself. No one can decide for you.

Best wishes for you and your family.

Answer 4

I had the same issue with an ex. My family says I was a totally different person.

You should get out, he will only drive you mad trying to change you.

Or......

Have an affair.

Answer 5

Obviously he was once happy with you the way you are, now he wants to change you. Doesn't seem he'll ever be happy with what you have to offer. Make yourself happy most importantly. This life is too short to live for someone else.

Answer 6

you are better than that dear. now if you are both in love and just have little problems then try to discuss the situation maybe he will understand and try to change. but if not then by all means let him go. trust me i have learned from experience. good luck honey.

Answer 7

If you don't have any children, do whatever you want. If you do, get marriage counseling. If he refuses, see a counselor alone.

Answer 8

I think that guy should be your best answer. Make your own decision.

Answer 9

Gee Liz...I dunno. Should you? What do you think? Or..would you prefer to have someone to do the thinking for you? Say...um...like your husband for example?

have I made my point?