No marriage is perfect, is it abusive? Or am I reading more into this than I should?

Question

Married 25 years, and have raised 3 children. First of all, am I happy. Most of the time. Nobodies happy all the time. Does my husband make me happy, sometimes. I have learned to dig deep inside myself to make myself happy. Does my husband hit me? He hasn't actually hit me in about 15 years, has thrown things at me, or around me as recently as a year and a half ago. Am I still afraid of him, somewhat. I give him some credit for controlling his anger. Does he call me names or try to belittle me, yes, things like white trash, and liar come to mind. Does he do it all the time? No, it comes and goes in spurts. Does he compliment me? Never about my appearance, I am attractive and it seems to bother him when other people comment on it, but he does seem to respect my intelligence and is not afraid to say it to others. Does he say he loves me, all the time, but he also says he hates his life and only sticks around because of me.

Do we have fun together? We can, we take about 3 vacations a year. Vacations are usually great, but he always turns for the worse when we get back from one. I almost dread the vacation knowing what will happen when we get home. Does he love his children? Yes, I think. He worked real hard providing for them while they were growing up, dance classes, youth hockey, etc. But sometimes now they fall into the white trash, liar category with me. Does he like to spend time with me? Too much, he gets upset when other commitments keep me away, saying he is concerned about me doing to much. Do I like spending time with him? We can have fun depending on his mood, sometimes he comes from left field with an "I am better than you attitude." No warning no nothing, just a comment like I am the only one in this house who plays by the rules. How is the intimancy? Actually wonderful, is sex enough to sustain a marriage? not sure.

In regards to some of the responses I have recieved. I agree name calling is expected to a certain degree when arguing, but sometimes the mean things he says come from no where. Example-we were sitting in the hot tub relaxing, having a normal conversation, I noticed his mood was changing, not sure what I said, but I tried to bring him back by mentioning the first time we met, I asked him he remembered it, he said yes you had holes in your jeans and I felt sorry for you. I was crushed, and humiliated. Does he love me? Oh god almost to much, I have self esteem, I take care of myself, and others around me, I have a good job, and work very hard. It's almost like when I am up, he needs to bring me down a little, so we are on the same level. I am getting real good at not letting it get me. But Im tired, and don't know if it will ever change, Im I strong enough to keep playing this game. Do I love him? SOOOOO MUCH, but really don't know if I can keep going.

Answer 1

Is it abusive? I would call it that.

The fact that he says he hates his life and sticks around because of you makes him sound like he has some psychological issues. Is he hinting that without you he would end his life? That's weird.

Maybe the two of you need some counseling.

Answer 2

Your husband has serious self esteem issues. He wants everyone to feel like he feels about himself, a liar and white trash. How can he say he loves you when he talks to you and treats you like crap. Love doesn't hurt. That's the part where he is lying to you. He respects your intelligence, but he never tells you how beautiful you are. You go on vacations just to be belittled when you return. Any complements you receive he has to take from you in private, because he can't have you feeling to proud, you just may figure out that you aren't happy and leave. Being in a marriage for twenty five years, I commend you for that; but being in an abusive marriage for over 15 years, I think is ridiculous. He has taken your esteem and placed it as low as his is. You may want to try counseling. If he won't join you, do it for yourself. It may give you the strength and insight to decide if this was truly what you thought you wanted. I will tell you the truth about why he is sticking around. You are the only person on this earth that puts up with his crap, and no matter how bad of crap he dishes on you, he is still allotted all of the pleasures in life and a relationship, even sex.

Answer 3

Uhm, I've never been married so you can probably take my opinion with a grain of salt but the hitting thing is never excusable, but it sounds like he definitely felt some remorse for doing it back then and has successfully (to a degree) tried to tone it down. Name calling I would say is to be expected in an argument, which would also depend on the topic of the argument. I guess the question you would want to ask yourself is would it be more beneficial for you in the long run to do anything, or would it be best to remedy what you have. Personally, it sounds like the man is still crazy about you and in love with you, so it sounds like there's a lot there to work with. Those are just my thoughts, I hope it brings somewhat of an insight into things for you.

Answer 4

It sounds like he is a controlling and potentially abusive person. While he may have improved over the past few years the way he treats you right now is not ok. You can't excuse him just because he isn't hitting you. It sounds like you need to have him seek anger managment counciling and also marriage counciling. If he feels that he needs to control you and talk down to you to keep you in your place then you are in a life-threating situation. Somtimes controlling people get away with it because they "love" the other person but his definition of love sounds off. Find some help.

Answer 5

I would say that this is verbal/emotional/mental abuse. Even if it isn't every day or all the time, if you have to feel like you have to walk on eggshells with your husband, that's not a good sign. Controlling his anger is good, but still. If he has a problem with others seeing you as attractive that shows he has a possesive, jealous streak (which all men do, most know how to effectively handle it), and that's not a good sign. It shows that he's insecure and has as issue with control. And If he hit you once, somewhere, sometime, down the line, he WILL do it again. Be prepared for that and better yet, leave before it happens again.

I know that's easy for me to say because I'm not you, I don't have kids and I haven't invested 25 years with anyone. But seriously, if at all possible, get out now. You've put up with this long enough and you deserve better. Love does NOT hurt and love is empowering and inspiring. Couples will fight and disagree, but being mean for the sake of being mean is never good.

I'd suggest you see a counselor or therapist or perhaps, a spiritual leader in your community. They can help you cope with what's going on, and what has been going on for so long. Whether or not you decide to stay or go, get some coping skills under your belt, it'll help a lot!

I believe that abusers can recover, but it's a long and difficult road to recovery and the abuser themself has to be willing to admit they're abusive, be willing to admit they have a problem and be willing to accept help and try and change their behavior. You can't do it for them. If they're not willing to do all of this, then it's kind of a hopeless situation.

Your husband may not be hitting you now, but name calling, belittling and put downs often hurt MUCH worse than the actual hitting does. (I bet sometimes you wish he'd just hit you and get it over with because the physical bruise heals much faster than the emotional one.)

The most difficult thing about mental/emotional/verbal abuse is that it's so hard to define, and almost impossible to prove.

If a man hits a woman, that's it, it's abuse, plain and simple and she has a very good reason to leave. But like I said, the inuendos, put downs and name calling are harder to define and prove.

Saying and doing are two different things.

My fiance and I joke a lot, but that was mutually decided on and I've learned to take it with a grain of salt, but the ONE time he got out of line (w/ the jokes), I put my foot down, he hasn't done it since. If he ever did, I'd leave, and he knows that.

I believe that people treat us the way we allow them to.

After years and years of hearing that you're a liar and other things, I'm sure you've started to believe them, as anyone would. You hear something long enough, you'll believe it.

If he hates his life, that's a sign of depression, (also not your fault) which could be why he treats you the way he does from time to time (not that depression is ever an excuse for this)...there is no excuse for abuse--in any capactiy, at any time. But, I would see about some counseling or help for depression for him.

I would say, yes, your husband is occasionally abusive and you need to either leave or find ways to deal with it.

I commend you for admitting this to the world because so many women are in your posistion.

You're exactly right, though, no one is happy all of the time, no marriage is easy and everyone has said something from time to time that they regret. But, if someone keeps saying the same things over and over again, they obviously mean them and apologies run dry and become meaningless.

Do what you feel is right, if you're tired of the crap, stand up for yourself. You know what to do in your heart, follow it.

Be sure that you're doing the thing that you'd want your children to do. Set a good example for them--and staying with any of kind of abuser is not a good example...chances are, they'll end up repeating the pattern themselves; either by becoming an abuser or being with one. Please keep that in mind.

I hope it doesn't offend you, but I'm gonna say a prayer for you! Goodluck.

Answer 6

We have a lot in common lady, both age wise and experience in life. I am not sure what you are asking though. Marriage should not be abusive, but abuse takes on so many different forms. My wife abuses me, and it sounds like your hubby does you. I would like to talk more to you, but I don't know enought about your situation. If you want to share thoughts, I am willing. I am safe and no trouble lady. I hope you are the same. So, if you wanna email me at [e-mail] It is worth a try, maybe we can help eachother. G

Answer 7

The things you described are classic signs of mental/psychological and physical abuse. He needs to get some counseling to help with his anger issues, and he needs to learn to respect you. If you find yourself considering the matter unsatisfactory, then I would recommend that you either find ways to make it better (personal and couples' counseling) or you consider finishing off this destructive marriage. I'm sure that by this point, after 1/4 of a century, you're self-esteem is less than zero.

Good luck.

Answer 8

Yes, of course it's abusive! If your children are grown ups now, just leave him. You don't need to deal with such an idiot! Nor you, nor your kids. You certainly deserve better. When we really love someone, we make him/her feel beautiful, desired, and just want him/her to be happy. Thats not what's happening with the two of you, and it appears that you are sick and tired of him. Sex is not enough to keep a marriage, so move on, and leave him alone with his anger.

Answer 9

Yes, it is emotional abuse. He seems to be trying, which is exactly what abusive guys do. They beat the crap out of you, then make you feel sorry for them. They dish out heaps of verbal abuse, then treat you like a princess and it makes all the abuse worth the pain. Some women prefer to be in a relationship like that.

The fact that he says he hates his life and only sticks around because of you is CLASSIC. Usually, it's girls who do this to boys. Girls might tell their boyfriend that they are going to commit suicide if they leave them, or lie and say they are pregnant. Whatever works, right?

If he's open to it, he might want to try some antideppressants. They may balance out whatever he's got going on emotionally.

It's up to you, really. Do oyu want to try to keep making it work? Do you want to get a divorce? The kids are grown, maybe you want to get out. Maybe you want to cash out your 401K and go live in Italy for a year and learn how to squash grapes with your feet.

Answer 10

Your husband is an abusive and manipulative man. 25 years is a long time to put up with that kind of crap. Get out or give him an ultimatum to stop all of his antics immediately.
As for counseling, I wouldn't bother with it for him because I would bet that he wouldn't go. If he did go he would say that he is only doing it for you.
You know that your in an abusive relationship but, you just stick it out because sometimes it is worth it. Or, are you really wanting to leave him but, need us to validate your action?