My bf and I have been together for over a year. His ex wife has three children--oldest one he married her with, middle one his, and the 3rd by someone else. They've been split up at least four yrs. He pays child support every month and has never been late or missed a payment. However, yesterday I found scrap paper w/ all 3 girls shoe sizes and that they needed for the summer. Hello?!? I am pregnant and have an child from a previous relationship. I have NEVER asked him to purchase anything she needs nor would I...she is not his responsibility. I don't mind him buying his daughter anything she needs, but the other two are off limits as far as I am concerned. He says he never bought them, but just wrote down the sizes. Why does he feel the need to support the other two when they don't belong to him?!? When they were married and he supported them, that was his business, but now we are together and I don't see that this should continue. Am I wrong? Please advise me...I need help!
2007-06-14 03:35:30 · 25 answers · asked by mvngs 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
When you married him, he had kids, step or not. He has a relationship with ALL OF THEM. When you hooked up with him, you should have accepted that, regardless of 'how YOU felt about it...you wanted him. Now, it is up to him, which of the children he supports from his heart. It is his relationship....not YOURS....WITH THEM.
YOU ARE WRONG. HE IS A MAN AND HE CAN MAKE HIS OWN DECISIONS. YOU ONLY NEED TO MAKE SURE YOUR CHILD GETS HER SHARE FROM HIM....THAT IS ALL.
I share your 'heated anger' that he would choose to do for all of them; but, you cannot take his man-hood from him and dictate to him, because you don't want that in your relationship...ALSO, they are children, and the person responsible for them, besides the biological parents, are those who really CARE for them. Sorry, you are wrong here.
LOVE THE MAN, LOVE HIS BAGGAGE.
2007-06-14 04:49:10 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I've never seen where being generous, and buying a child the shoes they need to wear being wrong. You don't say how long he was with his ex wife--but maybe those girls consider him a father figure, even though he's not their biological father. Also, maybe those fathers aren't as faithful about making their support payments--and he knows that his ex is going to use his money anyway. He sounds like a very giving person--you should be thankful he has this quality, too few people have it today.
Why don't you talk with your boyfriend about this, and see what he says about it, rather than asking people who don't know you or him to speculate on the situation? I've generally found that asking the person in question helps quite a bit. Just discuss it calmly with him--don't fly off the handle and get all emotional, because he'll get angry with you.
Another point...he's your boyfriend, NOT your husband. He is quite justified in saying it's none of your business why he chooses to help support these other children. If you guys aren't married, you shouldn't be co-mingling funds. So I fail to see where it even affects you, sorry.
2007-06-14 03:46:22 · answer #2 · answered by basketcase88 7 · 4⤊ 0⤋
They may not have been his but they were his while they were together. If he was with her for a while then, yes he feels responsible. If he has baggage then he has baggage and you just need to accept it. You may not ask him for support for your child but does he help out in different ways? would he help you if you asked? He's not turning his back on you or your kids it's just he does have other kids to think about. Then the whole idea that if you buy one something then you have to buy the other two something to keep things fair and when you have the 2nd child you will get the idea. What if she didn't ask and he offered doing a nice thing. Or what if something else has happened and she is in trouble and needs a little extra help? Wouldn't you want the same help? Two seperate families are hard and both have to work to meet in the middle. Hes not giving her the full paycheck, he is buying shoes. Jeaously will only drive you appart.
2007-06-14 03:48:30 · answer #3 · answered by CaseyK 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Well I can see where you might be upset about it since they aren't indeed his biological children, but may I ask how long they were together and what was his relationship to these other children? Perhaps he still feels some sort of fatherly role to these other two children and perhaps wanted to do something nice for them as well by purchasing shoes for not only his biological daughter for them as well. If it bothers you that much, I suppose you need to just talk to him about how it makes you feel but in my own opinion, I wouldn't be too offended these children were a part of his life too and even though things didn't work out with the ex, I think it's ok that he wants to do something like that for them...
2007-06-14 03:41:17 · answer #4 · answered by serenity113001 6 · 4⤊ 0⤋
being a step mom of 5, even if me and my husband split up, I would still love these children. You said you have a child that's not his also? How would you feel if you split up ,and he suddenly had nothing to do with that child. Blood isn't everything. besides, what's a pair of shoes really? Unless your going hungry, or it's your money honestly it's not your business if he does do things for the other girls. Yes that's his past, but who are you to say he has no connection to the girls? I'm not trying to attack you, just try to understand. Just because they are not his doesn't mean that he doesn't love them, or want to do things for them sometimes. Blood or not I love my kids, and no matter how our relationship goes I will always be there for them.
2007-06-14 03:46:26 · answer #5 · answered by Amanda_David 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Wow...he's not paying for college, he's considering buying SHOES. Would you care if he bought shoes for homeless kids? He's helping out, and as long as it's not taking money from your household or your children, what does it matter? Let him help with the little things.
And seriously, if he had any type of relationship with these girls at ALL, including the ones who weren't his, then how could you explain to the two he's not related to that he doesn't care enough about THEM to buy them shoes they need? It's just not fair, and that's probably the way he's seeing it...he cared for all three and doesn't want to shortchange the two whose dads aren't around.
2007-06-14 03:48:13 · answer #6 · answered by misguidedrose18 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I have a male friend that had a step son then his daughter, the mom n he broke it off but, he loves the step son as his own and it's sad really because the mom is such a butt and the only dad the step son ever knew was my friend, She doesn't allow him to see him but, he would move heaven and earth for that child. I personally think it is a remarable charater for someone to have..They are children and if he does get them something let him,, He was apart of there lives. Just because they didn't work things out doesn't mean the kids deserve to be dumped as well..
2007-06-14 03:57:24 · answer #7 · answered by ~Angel~ 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
that is a very sticky situation. I will try to answer as best I can.
If the ex had those 3 kids while he was married to her, they came to see him as a father figure and depended on him for some of the things they needed.
he may be sending child support, but the kids probably don't even know what that is. they probably want to see something real that came from daddy.
I'm not saying the kids are the excuse, but he may have bought things for them all along, and even though only one is his, the others should not be slighted because of that.
only you know if he will be that good to your child and I believe he will. he probably feels good when he does something for the other kids. sure beats having a dead beat dad around.
2007-06-14 03:54:50 · answer #8 · answered by chercinbob 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I see several problems here: For starters, you're with a divorced man. Second, you have a child by another man. Finally, you're sticking your nose in. How he handles his relationship with his ex and the three children (regardless of who they belong to) is none of your business. If you're going to stay with this guy you need to stay out of that part of his life and keep your opinions to yourself. You have no right telling him how to handle his ex-wife or the children since none of them live under the same roof with you. Now, if he wanted to get custody of his biological child and bring her to live with you, that's another story.
On a side note: Assuming he was going to buy shoes for all three girls, I think it's great that he treats them all equally, even though he's not the father figure in their lives anymore. That says a lot about his character.
2007-06-14 03:46:24 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
You are only wrong insofar as this is none of your business. He can spend his money however he sees fit. Your greatest mistake here is reducing child care to strict genetic biology. It would be a cold man indeed who did not develop any feelings whatsoever for his wife's other children if he's living with them. Count yourself fortunate that your bf is not so cold as that. Furthermore, a few bucks for some shoes is hopefully not going to break his bank, or else you're dealing with a real financial loser here. In summary, chill.
2007-06-14 03:41:50 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 5⤊ 0⤋