Is this ENOUGH?

Question

My VERY soon to be ex-husband believes he did all he could in our marriage because he never went out to hang out with his friends or go to clubs, bars etc. His undying defense is I was a good husband, I went to work and came home and thats all! Women/Men correct me if I'm wrong but doesn't a marriage take more than JUST BEING THERE? I begged for more dates, more excitement something to keep us "alive" after 15 yrs & two kids. I bought lingerie, danced for him, lit the candles planned get-aways but sometimes I wanted to be the one who sat back and enjoyed HIS plans. He refused to keep a cell phones cuz he didn't want ANYONE to have tabs on him and I begged for him to get one even got him one and he gave it to our son. Oh but now he has one, now going to parties, lost all this weight... I just need a little validation here please, just being there isn't ENOUGH RIGHT?

I know the way one remembers things is different than the next person, but seriously he thinks that him coming home everyday right after work and never going out was enough to be a good husband.

It wasn't the ONLY reason for the split but a significant one.

Felo, thank you so much! Loyalty is beautiful & in this day and age rare but it does take MORE. Bravo for realizing what was going on and making a change. God bless your marriage!

Answer 1

Yep...being there is PART...but not enough. I agree. Hope that you feel vindicated now.

Answer 2

I think counseling would have been a better option.

Men and women ALWAYS have different ideas of what is required to keep a relationship solid. See, the thing is...you're going to force this marriage apart over these issues, hurt two little kids, and then when you find another man and remarry, the SAME thing will happen all over again. Because men and women have different styles of communication and different ideas of what a relationship involves.

You're going to be alone if you keep up what you're doing. I'm not saying he's right....you do deserve to have romance and individual time. But I feel you went about it the wrong way. It sounds to me that he responded to your planning...but that you just put your foot down and expected him to plan, as "proof" of his love for you. Sorry, but he just doesn't have the creativity you do in that department. That doesn't mean he didn't love you.

Just my opinion. Sorry for your pain.

Answer 3

oh WOW! I'm Sooooooooo glad to have come accross your question! I've had the same thing, only it's 9 years and one kid later.
Yesterday he broke down into tears, saying he's been living his life and yet was so jealous I'd recently developed one of my own. He says he's shallow and doesn't have much of a need. But upon questioning, he has a full life as far as he needs one - he has his own friends and his own career and no interest in having common friends or interests outside of our child at all. I was able to be supportive of his angst, but at the same time it was good to just realise that we are just different people with different needs. I could make him happy but am like an "onion" he says - "too many layers" - he's like a pancake.
You deserve to be happy and in the words of this husband hopefully soon to be ex also - just being there isn't enough. Being provider and "friend" isn't enough.

Answer 4

I feel for you. It is difficult feeling like you are on the hamster wheel making all the effort. There are some good books out there "His Needs, Her Needs" for example. I'm currently reading "Before A Bad Goodbye" which really breaks down how relationships can atrophy. They are Christian books, but I think you can gleen alot from them regardless of your personal faith. Another great book is "The Five Love Languages" - people have different ways that they feel loved. My husband likes acts of service - if the house is clean, dishes washed, etc, he feels loved. I don't care about that as much, I'd rather have his time, undivided attention and little gifts "just cause" really make me feel cherished. I'd pick that book up first. If you husband is willing to read it, it may help him realize that people recieve love in different ways. Good luck, God bless you and bless you.

Answer 5

Just a thought, Were you staying at home being bored while he was working to support you??? Hopefully everything is as you say and this isn't an excuse to validate cheating during the marriage on your part. Otherwise it seems that you were either a mismatch as to meeting the desires of each other or neither of you is capable of communicating! In any event good luck on finding a long term upgrade!!

Answer 6

I'm sooooooooo w/you girl. My ex was the same way. He thought working and fixing things made him a good husband. That is not enough. Marriage is tough work and you need to keep the romance going. He never wanted to go on dates (only the movies, really now??) never went w/me weddings, etc. Most of the time I went by myself. He wasn't even my partner in my sister's wedding! After a while I got used to being alone and I didn't need him anymore. Being a good provider doesn't make him a good husband. Hey, I work too, and I go to school, and take care of our 2 kids, wtf? Now he realizes he "screwed" up oh well....... I 'm not saying to leave him, but to recognize marriage is a partnership and it's not 50% you have to give 100% to make it work... good luck!

Answer 7

I agree totally! Everyone needs to feel that they matter enough to be taken out now and then, just because their partner loves them and wants to do something special. I have been married for 25 years, and my husband still comes home with a bunch of flowers or a little suprise gift every so often, just to make me feel special. The fact that your husband didn't do anything wrong doesn't mean that he was a good husband. A good husband shows his wife affection in little ways, not just when they want sex. In fact, it sounds as if your husband, whilst not doing anything WRONG, did nothing RIGHT either. It is hardly suprising then that you are getting divorced. I hope that you will find someone (if you want someone else that is!) who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

Answer 8

Well...if you asked for a divorce after 15 years because of this one thing, that you didn't think there was enough excitement, then you blew it.
Now he's acting out because he's lost his life. So he may try all kinds of "exciting" things without you.
I can't condone asking a partner to be responsible, practical, honest, reliable, trustworthy, AND always exciting.
I think you could have worked a little harder on the communication issues with how to spice things up.
Now if you didn't ask for the divorce but he did...then I think we need more information, then we're missing pieces of the puzzle.

Answer 9

Sorry but most men DO NOT plan...even the younger men!!!!!!

So your husband sucked, you tried to talk to him and he did nothing...boom, leave. Who cares? He is losing weight because he is sad and now HE WILL do everything he said he would not do just to prove you wrong.

Sounds like you two might be meant for each other, but hey when enough is enough you gotta go!!!

Good luck, be strong for your kids!!!!

Answer 10

Obviously the way you remember things and he remembers them are two totally different stories.......your dancing around in lingerie and planning get-aways and NOW he is out living the high life away from you???? Something doesn't sound right here.

Answer 11

You're absolutly right, but you know? sometimes when I have hard times with my wife I do think the same and even told her the same words, "you have to appreciate my loyality, I'm not like xxx who leaves his wife all the time, or not like xxx who cheats her" thinking that doing this makes me the perfect husband. but this is not true, cause we men are very selfish we enjoy our buisness life which is for men is all his world and forget about our wifes thinking that they should be alsol happy with thier lives as long as we're loyal to them.
After many fights with my wife I started to think of her needs and to make it up for her and that she deserves more than being loyal, she deserves attention, more time to speak together and more non routine times.
but I discovered this after 10 years of marriage.