Commentary on poem?

Question

Commentaries, criticisms are welcome...

'Take me home'

Where I won’t have to face
Pain, sorrow, anger;
Where I won’t need to taste
The tinge of depression, disappointment;
Where they won’t make me hold
Burdens that make my shoulders weak;
Take me home-
Where I can be free.

My soul is writhing-
Writhing to be let loose;
These trappings of woe hold me down-
Like the hanged man’s noose.

How I long to break free
From the hypnotic loop of temptation,
And go back home,
Where there is no want for destruction;
The abode with no hypocrites
Who throw knives at my back;
The place with no liars
Who turn red hearts black.

Take me home,
Where my soul will have no skin
To hold it in.
Take me home,
Where a smile can flourish
With no fear of being deleted
By tears.

Take me home,
Take me home,
Where solitude and peace
Eternal, can never be wrecked;
Remove these cuffs of worldliness
From my ankles and feet and neck;
God, take me home
To you again.

Answer 1

It sounds like a delusion of a schizophrenic who's afraid to go outside and really be free.

Answer 2

It's an interesting adaptation...sort of like an urban version of John Denver's "Take Me Home, Country Roads." I hope that doesn't sound cheap.

There's just too much in your poem for me to break it apart and comment. But I really thought it shows potential.

I liked "where my soul will have no skin to hold it in." I just liked that line.

I also liked "where solitude and peace
Eternal, can never be wrecked;" even though I didn't think those words were perfect...but they still worked, still conveyed something that held true for me.

The "ankles and feet and neck;" just made me feel so much like you had slavery in your mentality that I just could not, individually as a reader, let it go. Therefore, "God, take me home to you again." worked entirely for me.

In fact, the last half of the poem worked more for me than the beginning. That was interesting to me because you didn't run out of steam, in my opinion, you gained steam. Most writers lose steam in the end. You did just the opposite.

Even as I write this I can tell I like your poem even better than when I first read it. I'm gonna stop now.

Answer 3

Excellent cry for freedom from the burdens and trappings of life. It's a great funeral song. Nicely done!

Answer 4

It is absolutely great! If you wrote it, you are a genius! Last time I commented on a poem, another answerer, found it in wikipedia, when this person claimed it was hers.
Really great, keep writing, and Publish, I will be the first to buy ....

Answer 5

good job!
my only suggestion
would be to step away from the personal
and tap into the universal
(you seem right on the fringe)
avoid cliches
but you do deliver sweet and subtle nuances
work with your words
and NEVER stop writing

(e me if you want to talk poetry)

Answer 6

its sounds very depressing. I don't like it