my poem of hurt!!?

Question

I want a happy life
just once a happy life
would you take my life
ease all my pain and strife

take this, you want it all
if i can't, i'll crash and fall
pick up my life and say good - bye
its nothing to see me cry

tears of anger hit my hand
sadness and life in your hand
control my mind, i'll take the stand
my minds became a broken land

you can't touch me now
this is my last bow
freed from my mental chains
i've released all my shame
so good -bye

the poem is about someone who is abused by another person and the last section basically means it won't happen again as there leaving for a better life,

Answer 1

A good use of switching between first-person and second-person narration. Putting a rhythm would increase effectiveness, but with what you have now, adding a little more alliteration would make it even better. I also sense a bit of alliteration and assonance already present in the poem (not including the end-rhyme). Was this intentional?

It is interesting how in the third stanza, it says you will "take the stand" but in the fourth stanza, it says you will take your "last bow," which seems like a form of submission and a bit contradictory, unless you mean that you would never bow down again. I apologize if I am reading it wrong.

Answer 2

I'm sure these ideas have the potential to be a good poem but I think that right now it's more a journal entry in paragrahps, a love letter or a sort of essay. Poetry is written line by line wheras what you have written is prose; prose is written in chunks like essays or stories. Poetry is concise and tends to eliminate everything to the bare minimum. Also, I am concerned that you have a few forced rhymes. I think that because you are trying to rhyme a lot you are sometimse comprimising the coherence and rhythm of the poem. Also, you need to remember to edit your work, I'm not sure if some of these things are just typos or actual writing mistakes, though. Also if you really want to have lines that long in your poem I think you should add more punctuation. I know that in a lot of poetry there's hardly any punctuation at all but that's because they start a new line in place of say a comma or a semi-colon. Hope this helps and ignore this if you didn't really want critiquing.

Answer 3

I feel for the person in your poem - and I also think that you have put the words together in a score I would say 7 out of 10. You see I often feel that we take from words of poetry what we want to and without your explanation I would have taken it completely different - that is the point of poetry and therefore I feel you have done well.

Answer 4

Poems and song-lyrics with change of direction in the thematic content are appealing. I am a songwriter and I tend to fall for what you've just done...one direction only, no changes, and predictability. If there's no changes, the challenge is to bring some uneexpected and ironic/unpredictable ways of saying the one theme. Cheers! What you have so far sounds good though. Keep working on it. Please email me if you want to chat:)

Answer 5

A very good effort. as I said to the 14 year old young lady about an hour ago, keep it up.

Personally I would have repeated "it's nothing to see me cry" ...so good-bye.

Otherwise great stuff.

Answer 6

factual, i can imagine the suffering, feel the pain, and the release. it's make me cry and grieve for the life of this poor soul.

Answer 7

A beautiful piece.

Keep writing, you have the talent.

Answer 8

Tu poema con un rapp o musika funk de fondo sería optimo; mas como poema apenas, es flojo, infantil...

Answer 9

Very good.

Answer 10

i liked it