My husband had an affair on me a year ago. He says he is sorry ,but if anything comes up about it he tells me?

Question

to get over it. I feel if we could talk about it I would get over it, but he wont. I need advice. should i get over it or try to talk with someone about it.

Answer 1

For your sake, the less details you know the better. Sh wronged you and should be willing to talk to you about it until you can make peace with it in your mind and heart. If he is unwilling to do this, he is showing you a lack of respect and a lack of caring and understanding. He may think by ignoring it, you will get over it and it will go away (until you catch him again). Believe me, this is not the case.

You need marriage counseling to work this out. It doesn't go away by ignoring it. If he won't go (further proof of his lack of caring) you need to go alone. You must talk about this and deal with it. Ask him if he wants to resolve it and continue your marriage or ignore it and end up divorced. Don't trust him again until he has proven worthy of your trust. That means letting you know at all times where he is and who is is with, for starters. Talking this out with you is another. One conversation will not close the book on it either, it may take many discussions. Have yourself tested for STDs and good luck to you.

Answer 2

A year ago is not enough time to get over anything! Especially a spouse sleeping in a bed with someone else OTHER than you. Get over it?? He needs to get a reality check & thank his lucky stars that you stuck around to "try" to get over it. The only way anyone gets over something like this IS talking about it & talking about it until you both can finally say okay I feel that we can go on. I realize that he could be ashamed of what he has done but he has no right to keep you from any answers or questions that you still have left wondering in your worried mind. Has he told you all the details that you would like to know? You won't heal if you leave anything that you feel has been unanswered..He owes you that much & more. If I cheated or if my husband cheated & we were trying to reconcile then I would expect him or even me to be there whenever some type of question came up or anything else that he wanted from me. I would be at his total beck & call until he could trust me again for however long because I would want him to "simply" know that what I done was something that never should of happened & my heart was totally dedicated to one person & that would be him. I think he probably realizes that this could have been a really
bad mistake that he has made but he needs to stop acting like you can just pick up where you guys left off because things don't work that way if you are trying to start over. You have to start a new beginning & HE WILL if he wants to keep someone who is willing to forgive him. Your a good wife & he needs to realize it before it's too late for him. Tell your husband to get over it & give you what you need to move forward. Go for what you need out of this relationship & don't settle for anything less.

Answer 3

You cannot decide to force yourself to get over it. Getting over something like this is a process and it involves honest conversation with both parties. He wants you to get over it because the fact that you still have questions and feel pain are causing him guilt. I do think you should talk to someone about it, if not a good counselor maybe a good friend. You don't need someone who just sees your side but someone who can suggest ways to open discussion with him without making him feel on the defensive. Details about the affair will not be constructive for you but discussing why he made the mistake could be constructive for you both. Not a "who's to blame" session, just an honest discussion about the dynamics of your relationship and how they can be improved. Obviously communication needs to be worked on. I feel for you. I was cheated on by my previous husband and you cannot just get over it. You can pick up and carry on if both partners are committed to working at it. Best of luck. Take care of yourself.

Answer 4

Men amaze me, they have an affair and then just want it to go away like it never happened. Well it did, and you deserve answers. I don't care how bad it makes him feel, how long it takes, its better to get all the hurt out in the open and deal with it. Make a list of the questions you have and sit him down and get to the bottom of it. It will be like pulling teeth, but it has to be done. And then he has to build back the trust you once had in him. Trust is like money in the bank,he has to gradually start showing you that you can trust him again and slowly, very slowly you start feeling somewhat normal again. There will be times some doubts creep into your mind, but that is why is it important to know details so that you can sort through it and deal with it. It's one of the hardest things to get over, so take it easy on yourself.

Answer 5

Of course you have a right to know why it happened in the first place. But, have you already talked about it before now? You said it happened a year ago. Did you discuss it when you found out? Has he already explained it to you before? If you haven't talked with him about it yet, then by all means, you need to have a heart to heart and find out everything you want to know. If the two of you have already had that heart to heart talk, try not to throw it up in his face anymore. Talking about it more won't change the fact that he had an affair.

Answer 6

I tend to agree. If you chose to forgive him, then you have to get over it. However...this is your choice. You don't have to stay with him. And, you will be fine without him, because I am sure you were before you ever met him.

He does need to understand your feelings of hurt, and realize you are trying to "get over it"...and maybe you should tell him ways he can help you "get over it".

If he is not willing to talk with you about it ... or go to a counselor with you about it... that is not fair to you. And, you need to love yourself and move on from him. If he truly loves you with all his heart, he would be so sorry for his mistakes and do anything under the sun to make you feel like #1 in his heart again...and put your mind at rest.

Answer 7

Read "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus". Typically men get over things by not talking about them or worrying about them "out of sight out of mind". Women get over things by discussing them.

You have to find a happy medium. Yes he did wrong and yes what you feel does need to be discussed. But it should be discussed in a positive way that is leading toward ways you have build your marriage back up...not to badger him or continue to make him feel guilty. You are both trying to make this work...its been a year, try as much as you possibly can to focus on the future. Focusing on the past will just bring up hurt feelings among both of you.

Answer 8

I feel that he tells you this because he's uncomfortable talking about it. I am sure he is sorry, and bringing it up just embarrasses him all over again. I know it's hard to forget, but you have to somehow if you are ever going to have a normal relationship with him. Maybe you should seek marriage counseling, or if he won't go, find someone to talk to yourself. Good luck.

Answer 9

It is a proven fact that the only relationships that survive cheating are when the cheater is truly remorseful and there is open honest talking about it. Clearly he has not done either. You will not get over it until he does. Get into couples counseling or I foresee either a divorce or he will cheat again.

Answer 10

I think you both need to try and talk about it all the way through to the end just one time then you need to decide if you can live with that and move on. Which means not ever throwing it in his face EVER cause once you both make a choice to move forward then if you don't you will not be able to work through this ....