Ethical dilemma?

Question

What's the biggest ethical dilemma you have ever been in?

A thief who is in a terrible emotional state these days took stole something from me and informed me later. Should I report this to the authorities?

Answer 1

Hi Maddy, I will answer you first question of "What's the biggest ethical dilemma you have ever been in?" and then move on to the second. Now, what I say is extremely personal, and by placing it here will be readable by anybody now and in the future. So, yeah, I have been faced with what I think is perhaps the hugest ethical dilemma anybody could possibly face.

As you are aware I raised eight children. I did't give birth to them all, and several came to me later in life. I love them all equally however, and unconditionally as well. I lost a child to luekemia when he was two years old. I just wish to tell you this so you can fully understand I knew back then what it felt to lose a beloved child.

I had to chose between my eldest child and doing what was morally right. Prior to coming to live with me she was raised in the most brutal home you can imagine. She witnessed the beating and rape of her drug addcit biological mother for over a decade. Her mother was tied to a brutal man who was a member of the Aryan Brotherhood and who ran the two counties around where we lived. He ran the drugs that came into the county and was the "police" of the local drug addicts and criminals. My child was raised by him for ten years, the most formative years of her life and he is the only "father" she ever knew. He spent ten years on death row and got out on a technicality.

To make a long story short, when she was confronted with a violent boyfriend who threatened her life and her families lives, (me and the other children), she killed him. She shot him in the back of the head with a shotgun. While there are many mitigating circumstances, I wont' get into them here.

At the time of her arrest the body had not been recovered. Everybody knew he was dead. His family wanted to bring him home. However, in CA if there isn't a body it is hard to prove a murder.

I was faced with protecting this young seventeen year old damaged child and doing what was right. I was faced with helping her tell the truth, and in doing so risking life in prison. What would you do in such a situation Maddy?

I helped her tell the truth and bring that family their son, brother, cousin, etc, home one last time. They say you shouldn't blame the victim, yet as I said, there are mitigating circumstances. He beat her, and threatened her life and her siblings and my life. Does that deserve the death penalty? I don't think so.

All I know for sure is he was dead, that he had picked the wrong small girl to beat and terrorize, and she had blood on her hands, and the power to bring closure to his family. This meant of course that she would have to face either life in prison or some lessor sentece if an attorney could properly show all the mitigating circumstances. She honestly felt she was protecting her family, and that is truth. Her truth, and it is a fact her held a loaded gun to her head for over an hour just two days before his death. He was nineteen years old, just a boy. They were all children. Four teenagers carried out this deed.

So, I enouraged her to tell the truth, they brought him home, and she was convicted of second degree murder, which is an mandatory fifteen years to life sentence in CA. She has to serve eighty percent of the fifteen years before she has a chance at parole, but only less than one percent of "life tails" get a first parole. She then has to wait four years for another parole hearing. Those with life tails go up for parole hearings ever four years instead of every year as others do. Do I think her sentence overly harsh? Yes, I do. Why? Well, the story is long and very tragic, but as I said before, there are many mitigating circumstances. However, no jury got to hear them. Her biological mother encouraged her to take the second degree deal, which I tried very hard to stop her from doing. Her biological mother was afraid if she didn't take the deal that all her (the biological mother's) ugly baggage, everything she had submitted this child to would come out in court. She didn't want to look like a "bad" mother!

So, anyway, yeah, that is a moral dilemma I hope nobody ever has to face. However, people face it all the time. People hide out loved ones who commit horrible crimes which allows them to commit them again and again rather than do what is right. Some would say I don't love her because I took the action I did. They can kiss my rosey @ss.

She and I stayed in contact over the years. She understands what I did and why. She doesn't blame me or think it was wrong. In fact, she believes it was the only right thing to do. However, even if she hadn't believed that and it had cost me our relationship, I would still have done the same thing. I am still haunted by her harsh sentence and wish I could have afforded her an expensive attorney. I didn't want her to get away scott free, but I also don't beleive she derserved a life sentence.

So, on to your "thief's" awaking conscience. I don't know if you are related to this individual or if you were friends of some sort of degree or a coworker or student together etc. I do wish to say that just "confessing" a crime does equate restitution or justice.

Confession is good for the soul. Confession is more for the confessor than the one being confessed to. Especially if the one being confessed to is also the victim.

For example: A spouse cheats just one time. She feels gulty and so "confesses" to her husband. He now has to deal with the emotional anguish of her cheating. She however, feels an unburdening of her soul. She feels "better" because of her confession; while her huband is thrown into emotional hell. You know the saying, "confession is good for the soul"? Well it is true; for the one confessing. However, if the one confessing confesses to the person she betrayed then that person is injured. Her spouse now has to deal with the fact of her betrayal, even though it was a one time event. Confession does not equal restitution or justice. It is only the beginning.

Many may not agree with me but I think she should have kept her mouth shut, lived wth the guilt for the rest of her life, kept her husbands emotional wellbeing healthy, and then spent the rest of her marriage making quiet restitution. She would have grown from the event, and her marriage could have been the stronger for it. I know if my husband cheated once I would far prefer he never tell me.

However, we have a confession of a crime. The thief is now unburdened of his guilt. It is out in the "open", so to speak. What to do now? Now, this person has put the burden on you! His act of confession has put you into a ethical, moral, and emotional dilemma. Is that fair? Is this justice, or any type or degree of restitution? I don't believe it is. Confession is only a starting point, and often one which is unfair to the person who was betrayed and victimized.

I don't believe that you should automatically leave it up to our police or courts as one person suggested. They are not the best suited to deal out "justice". I am not saying that there isn't any situation where going to the police wouldn't be warrented. I just don't know enough about this situation to determine that. Only you can.

As you are the one stolen from, and are also the only one who knows what degree, if any, relationship between the two of you, you have to determine what is best here, for you. What I am trying to say, is: what would best help you feel this person really "got" what s/he did, and how it effected you?

There are all types of "justice" and "restitution". In fact, some courts these days are turning to "creative" sentencing. One judge made a man who called a police officer a "pig" walk around with a pig downtown while holding a sign which said, "police officers are not pigs". He never called an officer a pig again. In another situation he had a teenager who did some silly prank walk around with a sign on him with a photo of an *** (you know, that horse type creature) which said, "I made as *** of myself when I did, xxx". He also doesn't just throw petty crimianls in jail because his position is a little humilation works far better than sitting in a jail getting three squares a day, watching telivesion. He also had a man who robbed an elderly man do community service for a year at the local senior center. The judge said he thought if the man got to know and appreciate the elderly he may think twice before harming one agan. It works too, he has an extremely low recidivism rate! lol People just don't want to go before him again. Interviews with some of the people he sentenced creatively said it really helped them learn valuable lessons and grow.

So, the main issue is that some sort of consequence be dealt out. This person must have a consequence other than confession. It must be something which helps you feel that some degree of restitution or justice was delivered, that a lesson was learned, or even just a price was paid. You are the important one here, not the thief. If it is somebody you have a relationship with, then by all means get creative. If the person refuses to cooperate then take this to the police.

If you don't know this person, or if s/he is somebody from your past, perhaps it would be best left to the authorities. Are you willing to become involved and engage with this person again? Are you willing to allow the individual close enough to you that a repeat is possible? Despite the "good" intentions of the confession, it is all too true, and sad, that even in the midst of confessing, somebody can snatch something again. Change is difficult at best.

So, I encourage you to look at all the angles, but not put out too much emotional effort over this. It isn't right for you to struggle with something somebody else did to you which harmed you. By all means, if you have the emotional wherewithal to work with this, do so, if not, well, don't. What I mean is don't expend too much energy and emotions on the solution. You just got out of a bad situation. Your first responsibility is your own emotional health. Take everything into consideration and make your decision. Often, we know what we should do, we just arn't sure if it is really the right or proper course of action. Follow your gut instinct, but don't let this person off with just a confession, that wouldn't be fair to you or hold him/her accountable. This person has to held accountable.

I wish you the best, but please, don't spend too much time on this. You take care and have a great day and upcoming weekend.

Answer 2

The fact that this is a dilemma for you means that you are a good person. Most people wouldn't even consider his/her situation and would report it without thinking twice. I don't think you need to report it, but only if you get back what was taken from you. If this person agrees to pay for what was stolen in cash, I do suggest getting it in writing just in case. Maybe this nice and fair jesture will help get this person on the right path...maybe not, but either way you'll know that you did all you could for them.

Answer 3

Best to report it if it's not a minor issue--police and the courts know how to deal with social issues such as theft---letting someone off without punishment is going to give them the wrong impression that it's ok to steal. Plus it lets the police and court system know if they have someone around with a problem and perhaps get them the professional help they need.

Answer 4

Not unless you believe it would help him in some way.

Was it an extremly valuable item? Like a car?

Is he able to return the item or money to you?

Dunno, babe. Can you forgive him?

Your call.

Answer 5

Well it depends on how serious the robbery was... if it was serious you should report him, besides he could do it again

Answer 6

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