I am 25 & I have a co-worker is 43 that I have been friends with for 3 years. He went through a really tough divorce about 10 years ago, and ever since then he stopped trusting women. After they got married, he put her through nursing school and then cheated on him and sent the kids to him. Anyways he has seen numerous psychologists but he says they dont help. Soon after we became friends, he devloped a little crush. I have told him numerous times that I dont feel the same way. He drinks to help with his pain and then he calls me up and tells me how great I am and how madly in love he is with me. (He was in the Air Force for 6+ years and he started drinking a lot at a young age) Anyways, I have begged him to get help and he wont. I have told him that if he makes me uncomfortable I wont talk to him, but this crap has been going on for 2 years!! He has a 22 yr old son and I have even told him I had a crush on his son so he would stop!! I really want to be friends but how can I?
2007-06-12 15:00:52 · 9 answers · asked by Miss C 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He says that the only reason why he 'loves me' is because I am the only woman who is genuinely nice to him. I have tried to talk him into dating but he is not really attracted to women his age and besides he thinks they are just using him for his $$$. He says he wants a companion and someody who is madly in love with him. I do not want to be that woman, but can I still be his friend??? P.S Did I mention that I see him everyday and I am not trying to get him into trouble??
2007-06-12 15:02:06 · update #1
You asked for a mature woman, so here's the unvarnished truth:
He is using you, love, and your youth is protecting him. An older woman would not put up with his crap, and would tell him the unvarnished truth about himself and his issues. The man is an alcoholic--face it. That's probably why his wife left him (eg, he started drinking not in response to her leaving, but was drinking before.)
The fact that you are young, sweet, unfettered, uncomplicated and so supportive allows him to avoid facing himself and others.
You don't need this in your life on ANY level.....not even a friend. THis man doesn't need a 25 year old female friend...he needs a real swift kick in the butt.
What are you getting out of this? An ego lift of being needed by a 40 something year old man? Get serious honey--this isnt friendship this is codependency.
2007-06-12 15:08:52 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 0⤋
Well, we have both read all of the above and I totally agree with Dirty Martini...and I am 57 (young enough to understand and old enough to know how to handle this--been there, did that).
The only things I would add is this: If you really want to be a friend to him, you have to "leave him alone". Sometimes that is what friends do and it is best for him. You my dear, need to associate yourself with men closer to your own age, with less baggage, even as a friend. It is not heroic to take on the problems of others, when they are clearly not trying to correct the situation~~and he is not. He is a full fledged alcoholic and he is truly looking for an enabler...that is you. Not someone who will give him alcohol, but someone who will tolerate it and love him too! Your age is just a boost to his self esteem, if he gets you to love him or just 'care' about him. Alcoholics are delusional...BELIEVE THAT!
You need to move on for your and his sake. I feel sorry for his kids. You can't help him and only YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN HAPPINESS.
BREAK ALL TIES. ONLY SPEAK TO HIM WHEN YOU HAVE TO. DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE. HE WILL GET THE MESSAGE AND STOP BOTHERING YOU WHEN YOU NO LONGER GIVE HIM AN AUDIENCE OF CARING.
2007-06-12 19:10:19 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You just need to lay down the line, that hey I am about the age of your son. I would love to be your friend and hang with you and what not but not in a relationship type. If you continue I will not be able to talk to you and do not want it to come to that.
2007-06-12 15:07:27 · answer #3 · answered by xyz 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is a tough one, however, there is a way out. You have to basically pretend you are getting a boyfriend or are liking another man. That is really the only way to let this guy down easy.
It is sad, I mean you pity him pretty much and he STILL has the energy to make you feel guilty.....hmmmmmm....ever wonder why his wife cheated?
Good luck!!!!!
2007-06-12 15:06:00 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
you are gong to have to tough live him. i have had to do this with a friend of mine with one of his problems. anyway, tell him that you will be his friend, but you are not going to tolerate his hitting on you all the time because it makes you uncomfortable. and if his drinking really bothers you, tell him that you won't talk to him until he gets some help. you are going to have to be very forceful and do not bend even once or it will not work.
2007-06-12 15:08:35 · answer #5 · answered by redpeach_mi 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He doesn't believe you when you say that you are not interested in him as "love" related. If you are seeing him everyday, that is why he thinks that you love him. Tell him once more that if you and he cannot be just friends, then you don't want to see him anymore. make your words firm to him, and stick by what you tell him.
2007-06-12 15:08:10 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Caller I.D. should help. Don't talk to him. Keep it strickly business at work. He's not on the same page as you, so you are going to have to cool him off so he gets the message.
2007-06-12 16:08:30 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
He isn't well. He almost sounds like a stalker. I think you really should try to end this relationship for his and your own good.
2007-06-12 15:07:45 · answer #8 · answered by LaMariposa 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
hunny, he is an alcoholic, and he wont stop "bothering" you, nor is he going to get help for this... sorry, you might have to use "tough love" and leave him alone for now
2007-06-12 15:07:05 · answer #9 · answered by bronzebabekentucky 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋