Heard any good jokes, lately?

Answer 1

Rule of marriage...

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!"

Answer 2

What's green and smells like bacon???? Kermitt's finger!

Answer 3

There once was a guy driving down this road in the middle of nowhere. His car suddenly breaks down, but there's a monastary near by, so he asks if he can stay the night, because it was too dark to fix the car right then. So the monks say its all right and give him a room. in the middle of the night though, he hears a noise and he can't figure out what it is, so the next morning he asks the monks what it is. "We can't tell, you because you're not a monk." they told him. "Well, I don't think I could ever sleep without knowing, so how do I become a monk?" he asks.
"Well..." they replied, "go out and count every blade of grass in the world.
so he does, and he comes back with the right number, but the monks weren't about to let him in yet... "go and count every grain of sand in the world." they said. and he did, and it had been many many years now and he really wanted to know what that sound was. It was just driving him crazy. So, the last task the monks gave him was this: they gave him a ring of 100 colored keys and sent him to the basement which had 100 colored doors all along the walls. He was to find the sound behind one of the doors. He opened the purple door with the purple key. Nothing there but a bunch of penguins (whatever they were doing in a monastary, he had no idea, but there were more weird things too). The green door held broken workout machines. Behind the cyan door he was surprised to find many monks doing their laundry. They smiled and waved as though this was all very ordinary. Finally though, on the very last door, a gray one, he looked in and said, "Oh, so that's what made the sound!"

Ok, so you make up whatever you want behind the 99 other doors when you tell it, and I know you want to know what made that sound (don't deny it) but I can't tell you because you're not a monk.

Actually that's a really bad joke, but its funny nevertheless, and its fun to watch people's faces as they get excited to find out whats making the noise, and then find out that they can't know.

Answer 4

New, No! Here's an old.
This bum walks up to an English tavern called George and the Dragon. He Knocks at the back door and is met by a brutal woman. "What do you want?" she snarls. "Oh, begging your pardon, ma'am; I was just wondering if you might have a crusty piece of bread lying around to give a guy that's down on his luck ..." "Our bread goes to paying customers! Get out of here before I call the police!" With that, the brutal looking woman slams the door in the bum's face, but is amazed to hear a gentle knock immediately afterwards. Re-opening the door, she beholds the same old bum.
"Now what do you want?" she snarls.
"Begging your pardon, Ma'am," says the bum. I was wondering if I might have a word with George."

Answer 5

Jack n Jill
Jack and Jill went up the hill
With a keg of brandy
Jack got stewed, Jill got screwed
Now it's Jack, Jill and Andy.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
On an elephant.
Jill got down and helped
Jack off the elephant
Jack and jill went up the hill,
to smoke some marajuana,
jack got high,
pulled down his fly,
and asked jill if she wanna.
jill said yes,
pulled up her dress,
and had a little fun,
but stupid jill,
forgot the pill,
and now they have a son


Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down on top of Jill
And now they have another daughter.

Jack and Jill were working for this company. The company had run
into some bad times and the guy that owned the company was going
to have to lay either Jack or Jill off. He really couldn't decide
which one to lay off because they were both really good workers.

One day, he decided which ever one of them came back from lunch
first, he was going to lay off. Sure enough, here came Jill up
the front stairs. As she entered the front door, he walked up
to her and said, "Listen Jill, I'm really sorry but I'm going to
have to either lay you or Jack off."

Jill replied, "Well you're going to have to jack off cause I got a
headache........"

=]

Answer 6

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."

Answer 7

Two children were in a doctor's waiting room.The little girl was softly sobbing.

"why are you crying?" asked the little boy.

"I'm here for a blood test,and they're going to cut my finger." said the girl

When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.

"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.

The boy looked at her worriedly and said,"I'm here for a urine test."

Answer 8

Have you ever read the book Yellow River by I.P Freely?
(I pee freely)

Answer 9

Why dont people like tampons..?

Because they are stuck up c*nts.

Rude joke yes, but it made me laugh like you'd not believe.

Answer 10

I've heard a really bad one (thats so bad its good)



Why are pirates called pirates?

Because they aaaaaaarrggggggh