I have always wanted to adopt but until recently didnt think the time was right?

Question

I wanted to wait till my kids were grown up before I did it as they had a difficult time with the breakdown of my marriage to their father. I didnt think they needed the upheavel that an adoption might have caused, and it would nt have been fair on the child I was to adopt as they would have needed my full attention.
Well my kids are all grown up and independent now and I thought it would be a good time to look into it again. The problem I now have is that my partner of 6 years does not like kids (although I find him good with my nieces and nephews) and doesnt want to adopt. What do I now do ?
It is very important to me . I have always wanted to do this even before I had kids of my own. I have always took in other peoples kids when the familys were having problems and enjoyed being able to help them and seeing them blosssom into the secure young adults that they should be.
Do I make an unltimatum out of it ? Would that be in the best interest of any kids I adopt ? Help !!

I want to help children who have no-one, Let them know that someone does love them and care about them. I already have grandchildren, and love them dearly but they dont `need` my help.

thank you pierce but its not money these kids need , its family, love and trust.

Answer 1

If you want to take the chance of raising the adopted child by yourself, give the ultimatum; otherwise, give up your dreams of adoption. If your kids are grown up now, you can be expecting grandchildren sometime in the future. That's even better. You babysit them, spoil them and then send them home with their parents.

Answer 2

Dear bluegirl, First of all I must say that you have a heart of gold not a lot of people have that, However I have read your question and additional comments over and over again, and I feel there is more to your question than you are asking. My theory behind my questioning is that, you have already have a family that has grown up and have children of their own (your Grandchildren) Who I guess you see on a regular basis and be a babysitter when needed. This show's that your children trust you with their offspring. You could not adopt due to your breakdown of the family IE, your husband, and your right it would have been a real damaging experience at this time to bring in an adopted child to the home, Which in turn could have been damaging for the adopted child also. One day to see two parents the next day or week only one, Adopted children need more security than "normal children" given that fact that they were taking away from their family for some reason or other. Yes it is most important for the child to have a lot more attention as they would have been scared and unsure and in a new surroundings, this is a real upsetting experience for the child.

You state that you "have a partner of 6 years and he does not like kids" It might be, "that he is good with your Nieces and Nephews", but as the saying goes "one is always good with children you can give back to one's parents" therefore not having the responsibility 24 / 7. It is possible that he enjoys little ones now and again, but at the end of the day they are returned.
Your question also states that you "took in other peoples childrens and enjoyed helping them and seeing them blossom into the secure young adults that they should be" Make's me wonder how long you had these children for, was it with your husband or your new partner? What was the reaction of either about these children coming into the house for you to look after?
Should you make an ultimatum? Well it is often the adverse to what you want, if you were to say to your partner "Its the adoption or you" 8 / 10 people find that left left without a partner. As it makes them feel second best and their views are not concidered therefore giving them one alternative and that is ("possible") to end the relationship. This is not with in the interest of the child as most of the time you will need help and support in certian areas.
The underlying feeling that I get is that "I" feel you had missed out on something, may be something in your own childhood, Marriage or relationships and therefore you have an unrelented ambision to make up for this loss thus adopting a child to satisfiy your need to fill in that gap. If you allow me to suggest, go see a counsellor and discuss this situation with them, I'm sure you between you will get to the bottom of why your ambition is so strong, In the mean time there are plenty of children who need love and support, contact someone from the Social Services, Hospital, or Childrens homes, I'm sure your love will help another child to grow with love and goodness in their heart, Best of luck bluegirl [e-mail]

Answer 3

I'm assuming that since you are a grandmother, you are close to the age of retirement (please don't be offended) I just look at raising a child as a long term commitment and although you want to do it right now, in 5 or 10 years, you and your partner might want to travel and do things with other "retiring" couples, things that many people choose to do as they are done fulfilling their parental roles. My only concern is that if you tie yourself down to raising a child for another 15+ years, you may find yourself in a situation where you won't be as youthful and healthy as you are now. However, I have an aunt that is 54 who just gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl and this is her second time around at being a mom (she has an 8 year old grand-daughter) and she is happy as can be! If you feel that this is your dream, and you feel up to raising another child, including all the teenage drama, you'll be a great mom all over again and the world needs more women like you. If that man loves you, he'll let you follow your heart and support you all the way. That's what great men do.

Answer 4

Your partner must come first. Honor his wishes. There are many ways you could have a positive effect on children in need. Be a Big Sister. Volunteer time in a Head Start classroom. Or volunteer time in a hospital in the pediatric ward. You will find that the emotional needs of these little ones will be so demanding that you will be glad that your home is a place of rest and quiet peace for you. And you can make a tremendous difference in the lives of a LOT of kids by volunteering time on a regular basis. If you're not sure where to start, call your local elementary school and social service agencies for some guidance.

You sound like you have a lot of love to give. I encourage you to try this route rather than jeopardizing your relationship. God bless you in your efforts.

Answer 5

You sound like a little angel. I suppose it's out of the question if you adopted me? I'm 41 years old and potty trained!Only kidding:) You have a very difficult time ahead of you. Talk to your partner again and put it all on the table. If you don't get the results that I know you are looking for, you can adopt a child in a third world country by sending just a small amount of money every month. It's just a thought. Hope things work out for you.

Answer 6

Have said how you feel to your partner his feelings might of changed, tell him, but if it is the same then you could give him ultimatum if you wish, Do you want to do this alone you have to ask yourself this, which is the most important to you, Have you looked into providing rest-bite care to children, You could look at this because the child wont be staying all the time they will be with you for one or two nights a week, In this care the child may have a disability it depends on circumstance's the family are in. I get this as my child has autism and i couldn't do without it and because i have depression as well.

Answer 7

Have you considered the possibility of fostering children who are in real need of help. It might be a compromise that your partner would consider.

Regarding the ultimatum, only you can answer that question - have you considered the possibility that he may leave anyway - ultimatums (ultimata) are rarely a thing that is in anyone's best interest.

You sound like a very good person who has a lot of love to spread around, and I really hope you can reach a solution that is painless for everyone involved - including yourself.

Answer 8

you need to sit down and have a heart to heart may be you could come to a compromise where they are with you for a short time only

Answer 9

God Bless You!! My initial reaction is to say, "Leave your man", you are extrememly passionate about helping children and I say fulfill your dreams. Your happiness will spill over onto those that need it.

Answer 10

i am sure, you already have the answer to your own question deep in your heart. follow your heart and do what will fulfill you. good luck and God bless!