Why does my 23 year old husband not want his 22 year old wife?

Question

We've been married for 3 years now, and I just never exspected for things to fizzel out so quickly, we talk all the time and we have fun together we only fight for a few hours at the most and we never have the need to raise our voices. But we haven't made love in 2 months. He says he's not gay, and he doesnt seem to be, he seems more, absinate, but not in a religous way. He doesnt have secret porn stashes around the house (the only stuff we have WE bought together- and he doesnt even care about that) Its like he has NO sex drive. I worry its because he cheats, but he comes home for lunch and so early in the afternoon that he'd have to loose hours at work to pull it off.

It might be important that we were each other's first. But I know MY libido is in full swing.

Answer 1

Hey, you are exactly describing our marriage. The 1st three years were a living b*tch fest-a truely living hell hole. There were days I actually thought about suicide! (It was that bad).

Nothing was agreed upon. I went left, she went right. She saw black, I saw white. The complete opposites in literally EVERY sense of the word.

We went to counselling, and that helped out a LOT. I basically then began to understand how to communicate. Basically, for men, it begins in the bedroom, and work outward. For women, it begins outside the bedroom and works inward. (Again, polar opposites - damn).
For men, they "occupy" only a single room. For women, they occupy the entire house (the whole house is their room).

You need to start there. Understand where HE is coming from. You'll never be able to satisfy him if you don't understand him. (AND vice versa).

Also, another part (as was our case) was that there was feeling a "life abandonment" issues. We were told that I was pushed into this marriage (yes, it was my decision), but I had "singles" issues. Being that your husband is so young, I would venture to say that he also has "singles" issues.

Translation: there are things that we wants to do, that no longer can because he's now married. There is a feeling of entrapment. NOTHING kills a guys mood more than feeling trapped. One thing my wife did - we BOTH went to a strip club. That way there was no feeling of guilt. I got experience that, and see it first hand w/ my wife. (And how unattractive some of those chicks are). It arroused a deeper appreciation in me for my wife. I think you discover something that he has been wanting to do/accomplished - and then: do it with him!

Best of Luck.

BTY - we've now been married over 10 years, and I'm never leaving this gal!

Answer 2

My man went through the same thing for a while. So, my sympathies.

First, check his diet. Poor nutrition can affect a man's libido very much, believe it or not. Limiting fats and sugars and adding vitamins can do a lot of good. My man takes different vitamin supplements for men (nothing weird) and one of the nice side effects is that he has a higher libido.

Secondly, there may be some stresses in his life that you are either over looking or unaware of. Are you two talking about having kids or buying a house? Big changes and bigger responsibilities can make a man lose his sex drive too.

Finally, some times men just need some time to "find themselves"...rather, to find some independent space where they feel they can be "real". During these times, they shy away from intimacy.

I highly reccommend reading "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." It really helped me.

Answer 3

Your both young and and your still growing becoming more adult. Maybe he fears that you will become pregnant and he's not ready for that responsiblity just yet. Marriage is hard work but if you love him just talk loads tell him what you want ask him what he wants live your fantasies enjoy this time when there is only you two. show him you love him get him to show you that love in return. make the effort both of you there is so much to gain by trying long lasting love how lucky are you both you have found each other

Answer 4

To give him the benefit of the doubt maybe he is tried and stressed out about something...but my gut would lead me to think that he is cheating...it doesn't matter what time he comes home it only takes a few minutes to cheat...were there is a will there is a way...if he is cheating he is very respectful of your feeling...what guys doesn't even have porn in the house...but most likely he's just stressed.....

You guys got married kind of young...you seem to have a solid relationship...but he is making you feel insecure...communication is key...talk to him and tell him how you feel...tell him that you need more sex...try new things to get him involved more...

Answer 5

I had this same problem with my husband. I am 20 and he is 24. I think it could just be stress. There are ALOT of factors as to why. My husband doesn't have a sex drive most of the time because he is too stressed out. Too tired, from coming home from work. Maybe its his weight. Talk to him, seriously. My husband assures me it isn't me and I know it isn't me, but sometimes it does cross my mind. Let him know that you would like to "hanky panky" more often and try to tell him why. Let him know that you would really like to do it more and ask him why he doesn't feel like it. He might be ashamed to tell you, maybe he can't get it up and he is scared that he isn't adequate enough for you. Don't accuse him, try to say something like this, " Baby, I noticed we don't really be intamate anymore and I would love to have more sexual encounters with you. Is there anything I can do to make you more sexually arroused?" Just try not to accuse him cause then he will shut down and not say anything. I found out that my husband just was scared he wasn't "perfoming" right for me and that created stress which in turn can really make him not in the mood.

Answer 6

Its entirely possible that he is under stress from circumstances you have not mentioned, or may be unaware of, and its affecting his ability, so to avoid the "It happens to every one" speech he is just avoiding the intimacy outright so you won't know.

Sometimes it just happens that people's libidos do not synch up with their partners.

as to the losing hours at work to be cheating, who's to say he's not dipping the pen in company ink, on company time

a fourth option, is that he has 'mental health issues', that are affecting his drive

You state that when you fight, its quick, and not very loud, perhaps the lack of passion in your fights should be viewed as part of the lack of passion in the bedroom, what good is any fight between 20something newlyweds if it doesn't produce make-up sex

Answer 7

As you mature in your marriage, you'll find that the drive is something that comes and goes (for both partners). It is a little odd that @ 23, he is showing a lack of interest. At that age, I was busy looking for secret places for the Mrs and i to sneak off at family functions !!

Have you tried talking to him (not just in the moment - but when your not trying to initiate sex) ?

Have you (or he) changed significantly since your wedding ? Either put on or took off a great deal of weight ? Men are visual creatures and even fillet minon greats boring if you eat it EVERY night.

Try changing things up - be sure to dress up for him. Not just sexy outfits, but keep yourself up. If all he sees you in @ home is sweats and a t-shirt, that can be a visual downer for him, no matter how comfortable they might be to you.

Do you guys "date" much anymore, or just around home. If you have kids get a sitter and go out for a nice dinner, then rent a motel room for one night (you don't have to stay all night, just use it and leave). Don't tell him of your plot, just that you're getting sitter and having a special night out !!! :) Top it off by wearing a skirt sans underwear and make sure he finds out about it over dinner !!

If he doesn't respond to that, he's GAY - no matter what he might be telling you.

Answer 8

Maybe it's stress at work. I remember when I was under stress (not at work, just something else) I didn't even feel like getting it on with my constantly horny girlfriend. She was part of the cause of the stress, though, so I didn't mind.

Maybe he should go see a professional (medical or mental). I don't think things are going to last much longer if this continues, no matter how much you're both in love.

Answer 9

You should get some counseling. He is either depressed or he is getting it from somewhere else. Think of it this way men usually want sex and would not go for 2 months without it unless they were cheating or are depressed. If he says he's not cheating you need to get some counseling pronto.

Answer 10

Maybe your relationship is stuck in a rut. Or maybe he finds you too demanding. Maybe you should be less "available" or find ways to present a challenge to the libido. How's your self-esteem? If he's having to try and prop that up, he may be too tired to do anything else. Why are you so focused on *his* lack of drive?