Mother-in-law freaking me out...?

Question

Here's the situation... My mother in law is pretty much obsessed with my unborn son. She is driving me crazy. She keeps clipping coupons for formula and shoving them at me every time I see her, even though I am ADAMANT about breastfeeding. I have told her time and time again I plan on breast-feeding, and bought a medela pump to make sure he can continue to drink my milk when I return to work. She keeps asking what brand of formula I want her to buy because "my milk will probably not come in" and I think it's all just a big scam because she wants to be the one to feed the baby every time she's around... and if I breastfeed she can't. She keeps saying my husband needs to come over to her house and get it "ready for the baby", even though I need him at home to help me with OUR house. She seems to think the baby will be at her house all of the time and it's starting to scare me. This is my 1st baby and I'm so excited for him, but scared of her... what can I do?

And beyond that... she's been this way about my husband too. When his father passed away 2 years ago she come over un-anounced and would let herself in to our home. There was even a day when we were cuddling in bed on a Sunday morning, all the doors were locked, and she let herself in through our broken garage door... I am really just scared she will be this way when Abbott is born and I'm home alone with him for those first 8 weeks... I just don't know what to do...

No, MIL is NOT watching him when I return to work... I would pay day care $2000 a month before I would resort to that. My own mother is keeping him. And I have tried to express we would "bring the diaper bag when WE come over" and she just doesn't catch what I'm throwing... I think all of you ladies are right. I have to get my husband to set her straight... I've tried before, aparently it isn't working...

Oh, and last thing (hopefully)... it was her X husband who passed away... they had been divorced for 15 years. That's not, in my opinion, why she's acting this way... she's just crazy

Answer 1

Is this her first grandchild, too?

Tell your husband, and ask him to tell mom to "chill a bit". Tell her you know she's excited too, but to calm down a bit, because she's adding stress to your life that you don't need right now.

She'll settle down a bit after the baby is born, but it may take awhile. Don't worry, she won't take your baby away from you.

Answer 2

Just ignore her....she just seems super excited....sounds like the first grand baby for her!!! W/ the formula she may just want to take precautions just in case for some reason your milk doesnt come in and she knows formula is expensive...Just reply that until you know for sure that your milk isnt coming in she could really help you out by buy diapers in all sizes!!! You just need to change her thought process to other things the baby will need.....and tell her that once your nursery and everything is done your husband would be glad to help get some stuff ready for the baby....it will be nice if she has everything that way if you need a babysitter you know the first person you can call!!

***on your addition there....keep all your doors locked while you are home alone and just tell her straight up that if she comes over unannounce you will not let her in your house...she must call and ok all visits w/ you first and just tell her that you are doing that w/ everyone that way you dont have too many visitors at one particular time...you dont want your baby around all the germs!!

Answer 3

Just nod and smile and forget everything that she says....MANY people are like this about 'feeding' the baby....where are these people in 8 months when your kitchen is coated in a fine layer of strained peas? tell her she can change the baby's diaper if she needs to help out that much. When it comes to breastfeeding, the first few weeks can be difficult, do what you can to isolate yourself away from your M-I-L and work NOW to get your husband in your corner on this topic....arrange a safety zone...like MIL cannot come over, or if she does and she says anything negative about breastfeeding, she has to leave. You are the Mom, YOU make the rules. Is MIL going to be watching the baby when you return to work? If she is then remind her, you will get very little time home alone with your baby, you want to enjoy it ALL and grandma's turn will come soon. Good Luck!

Answer 4

We all have big ideas for our unborn child-no different than a grand parent does. Just accept the coupons graciously as she is from a different generation and/or maybe wasn't patient enough to breastfeed. None the less, she doesn't mean any harm.
As for the breastfeeding, I say patience because many think their milk should come in instantly and when it doesn't which is normal they think their child is starving, which its not. So they give up and give formula. Almost did me in; my milk took 5 days to come in. So breast feeding isn't as natural as one may think...it takes time for both the mommy and the baby to learn to do it. Also, once you go back to work you may find that you need to supplement one bottle a day with formula. I send an extra one with my daughter, she'll finish her breast milk bottles and start drinking the formula bottle maybe 3 days out of the month. From experience, I'm pumping tomorrows milk right now.

Answer 5

My MIL was the same way. I have twins and she would always ask "are you still nursing?", "do you have enough milk", "are they gaining weight?" (She lives abroad). They came to visit for a couple of months. She took my daughter in their room in the pack and play and literally cared for her around the clock. She would not bring the baby to me in the morning before work and then would try to make me feel guilty for waking her up to nurse before I left. If she fell asleep in my arms she would sweep her away! When the babies went through a nursing strike (8 months) while she was here she kept saying "oh, they've had enough breastmilk, give them formula it will be easier on you."

Personally, I think it is a control thing. Also, maybe the fact that she and her daughter had a hard time nursing so she didn't want me to be sucessful at it. Maybe you could let her know that you will be pumping and that you would love to have her give the baby a bottle of breastmilk. Also, that your husband can still particpate by giving expressed milk or bringing the baby to you to nurse. It may also be that she knows that this baby will draw you and your husband closer and she's worried about being left out. Maybe you can find a way to include her without making yourself feel compromised. If she knows your mom will be watching the baby when you return to work, she may feel left out as well.

Whatever you do, try not to let it get to you. Stress affects your milk supply and your milk from coming in. Nursing is a full-time job. Maybe you can accept coupons from her and let her know you will use them in case you need to supplement, or you can pass them on to someone who might need them.

My twins are still nursing at 14 months. When she asks how long I'm planning on breastfeeding, I say, "until they are 3!" and chuckle.

Answer 6

This sounds like my mother-in-law, the woman is just too much for me to bear. I was at a loss about what to do with mine as well, until I read an article in baby talk magazine. The article said for me to try and understand that no matter how annoying she may be(trust me she is) that she was just doing what she thought was right. If you are like me that is not what you want to hear. Then it said to, discuss with your husband the problem you have with her and get him to explain that even though you appreciate the advice you have things under control and you don't need her help. she might take this information better when it is coming from her always perfect and never wrong son, than she would coming from the woman who stole her son away from her. It worked with my over eager mother-in-law. She has also started to mind her on business a lot more. which is great because I can hardly stand the crazy woman.

Answer 7

You have to talk to your husband and lay down the boundaries NOW before it gets out of control. You HAVE to get him on your side--it's his responsibility to protect you and your child from interference.

Under no circumstances should you leave your baby with your MIL alone, not even for five minutes--because there is an excellent chance that she will sneak the baby formula while you're not looking and it will sabotage your efforts by messing with your supply. There are other ways of bonding to the baby besides feeding it, and she needs to engage in those activities.

Please take a breastfeeding class if you haven't already, or read as much as you can. Your supply will take a few days to come in so be prepared for that, and don't let her tell you any differently. The baby is just fine with the colustrum you produce for the first few days.

Good luck!!!!!!

Answer 8

It's a mother-in-laws job to be scary. As for breastfeeding Kudos to you... I breastfed/breastfeeding both my sons and it took a long time for my husband's side of the family to adjust. Just be aware that at family get togethers and such "she" will want to put you into hiding if you want to breastfeed... I used a cover up and still had to go to another room to "do my business" It was very akward for awhile. However, I continued on and eventually she got the message. As for the formula coupons and everything just accept them and pass them on to someone who needs them. The stuff costs a fortune !!! She CAN feed the baby breastmilk when the time comes... Just politely tell her "The doctor said "it's fine" or "I'm doing everything the doctor ordered" That will keep you covered and not cause arguments... As for getting her house ready...I gotta say that's not a bad idea to have your husband child proof her house....I'm still bringing child proofing things to my in laws and my kids are 1 yr. and 3 yrs... Not that your child is going to spend every waking moment there, but if need be show her how to unpack a pack n play, and all the other "new fangled baby items" we have nowadays... Also, another precaution is if she has hand-me downs from her children... They are probably not safe... Make sure she has the basics- high chair, play pen, stroller, diapers... You see everything she has/wants to use for your child.... I caught my mother in law trying to put my baby in a car seat my husband used as a baby (1975)....

Answer 9

Tell your mother-in-law that you want to breastfeed because women who don't do that have more chances to develop breast cancer later. That'll probably make her shut up about it.

Second, you have to change the locks of your house if she has copy of your keys and, please, fix the garage door!!!
She is thinking that she is having a "new baby" and that she can be a mom again, but that's your turn now, so you need to tell your husband to tell her that you guys will set days and times for her to see the baby. She probably will say that she is too excited, but he has to tell her that YOU are much more because is YOUR baby!!
Also, you should avoid her for a while... I would never let my mother-in-law tell me what she told you about your milk; you should have told your husband to tell her off right then! That was very mean, she's really hoping that you won't be able to do it. She is jeaulous of you and if she come to your house anytime she wants, she will make sure to be around the baby anytime SHE wants.

Take care!!!

Answer 10

Set up the healthy boundries right now. Tell you flat out you do not want anymore formula coupons. If she brings some, refuse to accept them. Tell her there is no need for her to buy anything or get her home ready for the baby since you & your husband live in your own home. Hopefully husband also backs you & doesn't feed into her. You both need to sit talk, talk about the situation, & deal with it together. If either is being passive with her, he allows her to continue to think that she is acting as she should. You need to do it now, because it will only get worse & harder to deal with once the baby comes along.

Answer 11

Your husband really should be the one to tell her to butt out, as she obviously will not take it from her.

But since it sounds like he won't, as he hasn't yet ...

Sit her down. Tell her "This is my home, and I am this baby's mother. New house rules, you are welcome to visit, but only when we are home. Baby rules are that unless I decide and inform you otherwise, this baby is never to be given formula. I know you would like to be able to feed the baby, and after a while I may pump milk so you will have that opportunity, but allow me the respect of being treated like an adult and a mother. If you do not accept these rules, you will not be welcome. I am sorry that I have to put it this way, but you have not shown me respect, and I will not put up with it any more." Have a peice of paper with the new rules printed in very clear, short, to the point wording -- but only hand it to her if she seems to be arguing with you or doesn't wish to hear it. No need to be disrespectful in return.

Ask her to consider waiting to 'set up' her house until you decide at what age she'll be helping you in looking after the baby, as there is little point in purchasing things the baby will not use, right? You don't have to tell her 'never'. Might be easier on both of you.

Best of luck!