Help! Caught My husband?

Question

I just confronted my husband about some text messages I saw in his phone, Basically I went through his phone and messaged the girl he was chatting with, turns out that she works in the same company as we do and I met her for lunch and she told me everything! She claims they never did anything but they would go out on dates or just hang out. The best part was that we both walked out together and just to see the look on my husbands face was "priceless". We talked when we got home and says he was sorry and doesnt know why he did it, I still love him but I feel hurt and betrayed, the worst part is that we have a 5 month old baby, I dont know whether to believe him or even stay with him, Any advise would help. Thanks

He said the messages were sent without meaning, he was just flirting and that it felt good (not sexually) that someone else wanted to be with him.

Answer 1

The best thing to do might be to try marriage counseling. I noticed that you mentioned that you have a new baby. Sometimes, and I am NOT making an excuse, with a new baby, fathers might feel a bit neglected. Let me repeat, I am NOT blaming you for this, it is a reaction that some men just have to a new baby in the house. If he is feeling neglected, he may have been looking for attention in other places. If this is the case, it would be important to get counseling, so both you and the counselor can help him understand that if he is feeling neglected, it is a better idea for him to express these feelings to you directly, instead of wandering elsewhere to find attention.

Whatever you decide to do, it would be a good idea to also talk to your husband yourself, and discuss what it is that you really want out of your relationship. Hopefully, he'll say that he still loves you and wants to be with you. Even if he says something you don't want to hear, you'll be better off knowing this. It might be hard to raise a child on your own, but the weight lifted from getting away from someone who doesn't really love you will be worth it, and in time you will be better off.

Finally, let me say that this is a very personal problem, and that no one on the internet can really know everything you're going through. You can take any and all advice you get from this into consideration, but please, don't completely rely on any of it. You should do what is best for you, and only you know what that is. Good luck!

Answer 2

The problem here is that you don't know that anything he will say to you is the truth. Yeah -he cheated. And when he says he doesn't know why -THAT'S probably a lie.

So... something's got to change -or nothing will change.

The first mission, therefore, is to get him in front of someone for therapy and counseling. This is not negotiable; either he talks to a therapist -or you talk to an attorney. Period. New Paragraph.

There is an excellent chance - a virtual certainty, I would say, that YOU and that baby have something to do with it. Let's leave "blame" out of it, OK? What YOU want is data, especially information on whatever ways your behavior contributed to the problem. When I say "contribute," I'm not letting anyone off the hook, I'm just asking what changed, what happened, what was new in the relationship that he used or took as a reason for his little fling. Therapy is where that will come from. Marriage counseling is also a possible and good option.

For now, the whole option to stay together is contingent upon HIS action to take steps to get help. And YOU don't leave -HE does- if there's any leaving to be done.

Now, YOU get a consult with a therapist, print out what I've had to say and show it to him or her as a starting point.

Hang in!

Answer 3

Certainly your husband cheated on you emotionally. So it's the same thing as having an affair. It sounds like he's lost interest in your marriage, and you.
What is really interesting about your question though, is that you say the "best part" was the revenge you were able to get out of it. Also, the "worst part" is that you have a young child. Sounds like you've lost interest in your marriage, and him. Would you happily walk away if not for the child?
Both of you really need to look at your marriage and decide if you want to commit to trying to make it work. Then you go to counseling, and do all the hard work it takes to get a relationship back on track. Things can get fouled up with the birth of a child. It's easy to forget about each other. But, if you decide to try to continue, you each have to make the committment, it's not just all him. best of luck.

Answer 4

It's difficult to get past these moments because you start thinking other things. You may think to yourself, well if I forgive him and he does it again, what if it goes beyond texts and flirting. Those are always possibilities. Trust is hard. I would recommend that you sit and talk with him and get things straight. Tell him how you are feeling whether it be a bad or good thing. I always tell my husband and we've been together for 13yrs. It took time but we got it settled. There are always other ways of getting about the whole idea of "cheating" you can always ask, I'm full of ideas.....Good Luck.

Answer 5

If this were email or IMing online to a stranger my answer would be quite different...

Repeated flirtatious text messages are much more real when the person is known. Even more so when you both are acquainted with the 3rd party. He did wrong.

Now, what to do? I see 3 key choices:

1) Leave him and make you and him miserable

2) Stay with him and stay mad and make you and him miserable

3) Invite her for dinner and a movie in the bedroom and make you all feel good.

Answer 6

You've discovered and confronted. He's apologized. Without getting into a screaming match, now's the chance to discuss openly (the both of you) your relationship and why he "thinks" this happened as well as your speculation as to why it may have occurred.
If you can discuss this civilly, you stand a very good chance of getting things back on track. naturally you feel hurt and betrayed. plus..i don't think he realizes that the trust you had in him has been damaged badly. This should be pointed out to him. Trust can be re-established but it takes a very long time.
So...he screwed up. As to whether he and she had sex....let it go. The fact still remains he was with her...period. Sex or no sex....thats what it boils down to.
Talk it out. its threaputic and you may be able to salvage the whole marriage. Good luck.

Answer 7

What would have happened if you wouldn't have caught him?? They would have gone all the way and had a full blown affair. He's just sorry he got caught that's all. He did it b/c he has a wondering eye and always will have. He just wants someone in his life who is stable and will always be there - that would be you.
I wouldn't believe him. I would either do some counseling or do a trial seperation.
After this, you are ALWAYS going to be wondering if he's out with her, if he's talking w/ her, etc. It won't end. Think about what is best for you and your baby. Do you want to stay in a relationship where you man isn't 110% faithful to you?
Good luck!

Answer 8

Get some counseling because if you don't i can guarantee that every time you two argue that situation will br brought up.
he made a mistake but to say to move on will never happen because youre only human.

Don't get even as it only makes matters worse because it goes into a vicious cycle that bot you and your husband cannot get out of.

You will have to forgive him in your heart but, It would be selfish to forget also. Make sure to try and get him some counseling too.

Since you have a child try to exhaust every remedy you can get before doing something hasty. Goodluck on that!

Answer 9

No one can tell you what to do here. I think he really broke the trust and if you hadn't snooped in his phone and found out what he was up to, then it wouldn't have stopped at "chatting". He would have eventually had sex with her. Is that something you can handle? Do you want live your life constantly looking over his shoulder, questioning? Wondering if he's telling you the truth when he says he's "working late". Ask yourself this one major question...will you ever be able to get over this and really trust him again? If the answer is no, then do both of you a favor and get a divorce because you won't be able to live happily without trust.

Answer 10

I would definitely stay with him. If they didnt do "anything" and believe me, she'd tell you if they did, then he wasn't really that interested in her.

Although it's not an excuse, maybe he was spending some time with her to get away a little bit from the stressful world of having a child.

What was the content of the text messages?