How can I help my husband deal with his anger?

Question

My husband and I got married right out of high school and had 3 little boys soon after. We're now 23 and still married. In my opinion, we're doing pretty darn good. I know that the odds were against us, but it seems like we're beating them so far.
Unfortunately, we've both changed over time and I think that we're both disapointed about the changes in the other one. My problem is my sex drive. I very rarely want it and he wants it ALL THE TIME. I know this is completely normal, but the bad thing is that I used to want it all the time too. Sometimes he acts like he wouldn't have married if he would have known that I would have lost my drive. Well, obviously I didn't expect it either. My dissapointment comes from his anger issues and lack of physical affection towards me. He's literally angry ALL THE TIME! He yells at me non-stop. A lot of his problem comes from the fact that he holds everything in. He keeps his issues bottled up until he explodes. I've tried on numerous occassions to..

discuss it with him, but it literally does NO good. I'm getting really depressed, and on top of everything else, over the past year, he has started insulting me a lot. He calls me the 'b-word', fat, lazy, and whatever else he feels appropriate at the time. I cry, I fight back, I walk away, nothing works. I even tried taking the kids and leaving him for a few days about 6 months ago. He changed for a while after that, but now he's back to his same-old-self again!!! I refuse to leave him, or even discuss the "d-word", but I'm at my wit's end!!!
Also, we have no money for counseling, and he wouldn't go if we did.
Any advice!?!? PLEASE!!!

No he doesn't drink or do drugs...

Answer 1

Honestly, I think the perfect relationship revolves around proper and healthy communication with each other on a consistent basis. My wife and I are about the same age and we have a 9 month old daughter, and usually when we argue or disagree it's because of some failure of communication(probably on my part ha). We have a great relationship, and it's only grown stronger. We all go through thick and thin but you obviously married him for a reason. Find that reason again. Try to meet him halfway and understand that most men's sexual desires cannot truly be fulfilled because they are just insatiable. Let him know that his anger hurts you and the children but at the same time, you want to help him and get through this within reason.

Answer 2

I think there are a lot of things going on here. For one, he's 23 and he has a sex drive. At some point that need (and it is a physical need) is going to cause frusteration, stress, and eventually the desire to get it somewhere else. And why shouldn't he? That is one thing.

The next is that having 3 kids at that age is a challenging life. It causes financial stress and that causes physical stress.

He may be becoming so consumed by frusteration that he sees you as the root. It may be unfair, but look at it from his point of view. No sex, no money, crazy house.

You all need a change. You need to start the counseling first. Ask about it at your doctor's office. Maybe there is something your insurance can cover. Go for a GYN appointment and mention these things. Good OBGYN's know how to handle these things.

Again, it's not fair, but you are the glue right now. Help him de-stress. Talk openly about money issues. Do family things, try to find some peace, just the two of you.

His berating of you is unacceptable however. If you take it, it makes you a victim. Counter ever harsh word with how it makes you feel. He may not show it, but it will be something he thinks about. If you ever feel unsafe or that there is no room for improvement, then talk to him about separation. Or just leave. You have to know whether this is how he really feels or if he's going through something.

When the time is right, ask him what he would really need to be happier, and encourage him to be honest. If he donesn't say, ask again later.

Hang in there. If you can get through this, you can face almost anything.

Answer 3

You both should be proud of yourselfs, but should realize that marriage is a lot of work and you both have to contribute to it for it to be successful. You both could probably benefit from a few counseling sessions (him to gain some communication skills to lessen his angry outbursts and you to learn a little about the natural lessening of your sex drive (by the way it's not permanent - temporary - 3 little kids, a husband, a house and life take priority over pleasures for most women). Instead of all out sex being a priority why not start with some physical touching (sometimes that revives the sex drive without intending too). Have a good long talk with your husband about the stresses you have and possible ways to lessen them (could he help with the housework or hire a housekeeper once a week (even once a month), how about a date night - find a babysitter for the last Friday of the month (or whenever is good for you guys) and go out and be a couple again. Also, simple things like giving you a back massage or foot massage may increase the likelihood that you will want more intimacy. Take it slow and don't expect immediate results. Talk to your ob-gyn to see if they will order blood work just to make sure your hormones have returned to normal and you don't need a little kick start to get them back to where they belong. Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 4

COUPLES COUNSELING

(not the religous kind, the scientifically based psychological kind)

Ya, counseling can be expensive... if he's unwilling to respect your feelings, and is abusive, maybe he's not the best person for your kids to look up to. I know it's hard, 'cause you have kids together. But you may have to give him an ultimatum,.... treat you with respect, and talk about his feelings in ways that dont involve attacking you verbally, or leave him.

If he's angry that you're not having sex with him as much as he thinks you should be, maybe buy some cute lingerie or a vibrator for yourself to feel sexy. I can tell you from experience that "marital aids" can really recharge a dead or dying sex drive. You may need to meet halfway on this issue, and try harder to find moments for physical intimacy... but if he continues to verbally abuse you, you should leave him, and not even make this effort.
Your own selfworth & your kids are more important than his sex drive.

Also important to know... anger can be a sign of excess testosterone production which can be caused by cancer of the testes. Has he been to the doctor & mentioned how his mood has been? if not, that would proably be a good idea (little or no money for this? no ins? go to a community health care center with sliding scale!)

Answer 5

No one here can solve all your problems. We'll all throw our advice around like we know it all, but the truth is that the right answer varies from person to person. That said, you should not have to put up with his angry outburts. I highly recommend that you discuss this, and ask him to go to a marriage counselor with you. There are counselors who for those without money or who will help you pay. A marriage counselor will help you get to the roots of your problems, and will help you both come up with reasonable solutions and strategies for dealing with things. Everyone has problems, but sometimes an objective mediator is the best thing to help deal with those problems in a constructive way. I highly recommend it, and if he won't go without you, then go yourself. It may motivate him to go as well, and if not, then at least it will open your own eyes. Truth is that the only other alternatives are misery and divorce. Considering the costs for that, I think squeezing out some money for a counselor is very doable. Good luck!

Answer 6

Unless you two can work out your problems together, your only option is talking with someone else to get their input and "counsel" - yes, a counselor. If your husband desires to to maintain an ongoing relationship, and if he can come to see that you two can't work things out on your own, perhaps he'll agree to talk with others. Check the local churches in your area - they may be able to provide some counseling resources that don't cost like a typical counseling center would cost.

One way or another though, you two are going to have identify the specific issues, and then figure out how to resolve them - not an easy task when there are several 'issues' to fix.

Answer 7

I would suggest counseling, until I read your last comment. You can check to see if your health insurance covers counseling and go for yourself (and your children). A counselor can help you with coping skills.

It is not unusual that your sex drive is lacking under the circumstances. What woman wants to have sex with a man who is angry all the time and calls her names?

Although I don't totally agree with answer from "Terry M", he does make a valid point. If you're not in the mood, have you ever had sex anyway and it was wonderful? Try it.

Answer 8

Look, men get in touch with their emotions through sex. Plus, sex is how a man defines his self-esteem. Don't laugh, it's no sillier than the crap in Cosmo about how a new shade of nail polish can make you happy.

Sex for most men is a profound emotional release that allows our natural inhibitions to drop and become closer with someone. Take that away, we get frustrated. Keep it off the table, we get mad. I can empathize with the man. If I had known about the "wedding cake cure for nymphomania" I would have thought twice myself.

Here's what you do: Have sex with him. It's that simple. Sure, you might not want to, but if you value your relationship you should start putting out like a fiend. Oral and handjo bs count, too. Watch his anger melt away and his affection increase.

Answer 9

Well it is obveous why you lack a sex drive. Your emotional needs are not being met. Try not to bet yourself up about it. It takes two to tango.

For his angey, that is hard. You have to put your foot down about his behavior towards you. It is inapproit for anybody to call there wife and mothers of their kids names like those.

It is important for him to pin point WHy he is angry. Maybe he feels he is missing out, getting married and starting a family so young, maybe he is having a hard time at work or with his father and he is haveing problems BEING a dad. I'm not sure this is for him to figure out. This why he can deal with the source of the problem and not just treat the symptoms.

I learned this in a relationship class.
Boyz need CHEER. That is
Cheer- applude him respect him, cheer him on...ect
Honor- honer there differances and them as a man
Enter his privet temptation world. Self explanitory
Enhance your beauty- Feeling good about your self and show it.
Rub shoulder- this is like just hanging out with him on a fun level. Not tring to talk everything to death all the time like we girls do.


On his end it is important for him to.

Give you his heart, that all us girls really want.

honor our differances, we like to talk respect that.

Put some energy into the relationship, life caughts up to us fast but we want to feel like you still have some left for us.

Affection CARE ABOUT US.. Call us names of endearment not those other nasty ones he has.

Re-New your commintment to us.

Talk to us. Open up, we form connections through talking.

I hope this helps. He sounds angry and is intiled to those emotions. He is not intitled however to disrepect you or anyone else for that matter.
aknowledge that you realize he is angry and that that is ok. But don't you dare take it out on me in the fashion you have been.

Answer 10

Suggest that you both go to counseling and maybe a Anger Management class. Yes the odds are against you but you seem to be trying very hard to make things work out.