Mountains next to sea
Overlooking the water
Power and beauty.
2007-06-12 06:46:27 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
yeah, the second line bugged me too.... I tried to find something to fit in there, but I didn't look hard enough lol.
2007-06-12 06:55:46 · update #1
What do you guys think of this edit?
Mountains next to sea,
Battered by stormy waters,
Majesty still stands.
2007-06-12 07:01:43 · update #2
PS The second version was supposed to be less peaceful than the first.
2007-06-12 07:02:43 · update #3
it's very nice.. but how about "pure water" or "still water" instead of "the water"? haikus have so few words that one change can make it more powerful.
2007-06-12 07:15:12 · answer #1 · answered by billie 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As you know, I, too, am new to haiku and just recently wrote (but not posted) my first ones, as well.
As I understand it, haiku are not supposed to be about cause and effect; nor should they contain punctuation. And, I don't know if this is a rule or just convention, but I think they are supposed to be in all lower case letters.
Aside from that, I like the ideas you express, so let's see some more.
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2007-06-12 14:16:23 · answer #2 · answered by BlueFeather 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is really lovely. It makes me feel as though I am looking out onto the ocean surrounded by mountains. I am a big fan of haiku. Keep writing!
2007-06-12 13:57:37 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Nice, but like you id in the first line, stay away from "the". Personifications are great too. I would recommend:
Mountains next to sea
Overlooking shining waves
Power and beauty.
2007-06-12 13:52:12 · answer #4 · answered by ۞omniking3۞ 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If I were writing it I would schange it:
mountains calling sea
overlooking blue crystal
breathtaking beauty
2007-06-12 13:55:17 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Good job. try to be more artistic next time. Use your imagination to find better words
2007-06-12 13:54:05 · answer #6 · answered by gallery 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Please go back and read more about haiku. .
I keep coming back to that poet who said, "If someone comes to me and says, "I want to write poetry," I say "Why?
If he says, "Because I have something to say," I tell him to find another medium.
If he says, "I like to hang around words and hear what they have to say to each other" I say, Good. Keep trying.
Poetry occurs when words, like two hands, come together. Your hands are passing each other in an effort to clap.
2007-06-12 13:53:36 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
very pretty - ignore the haters. they are probably just jealous that they don't know what a haiku is! ^_^
2007-06-12 13:54:16 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Nice imagery, but it's a little obvious. Not that I can do much better, mind you :-)
2007-06-12 13:49:55 · answer #9 · answered by JeffyB 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
both good
an 8
2007-06-12 14:16:03 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋