Do some women have a problem with a man being the head of the household?

Question

The way I see it, if the man has to submit to the woman by being the first to take the initiatve and speak to her (ask her out), get on his knees and proposing to the woman, has to be the assertive one, he has to pay for wedding ring, he pays most of the rent and for the car, he is usually the breadwinner, he pays for the dates and dinners and shopping sprees, is it only *fair* to at least let the man be the leader of the household? Do certain women find that notion to be demeaning?

It amazes me how *some* women can be selfish, by expecting the man to do all of these things, but find it "demeaning" for the man to be THE MAN of the relationship (i.e., lead the household). Some women don't even want to take the last name of a man after marriage these days, despite all of these sacrifices he makes towards her. Any other proposed "sacrifices" and submissions towards him she has to make doesn't exist -- as that's when she claims it should be "equal".

Letting a man be head of the household in no way "diminishes" a woman's role, as many women perceive. Both roles of a woman being the child-bearer and nurturer, and the man being the assertive leader, decision-maker, and breadwinner are equally important. That is not to say men can't be nurturers or women can't take the assertive decision-making roles -- because they should. I am merely saying the strengths and weaknesses of men and women tend to compensate for each other, and each gender is better geared for certain skills.

I think Beyonce put it well in a song:

"Ran by the men but the women keep the tempo"

She obviously has no problem with a man running the household. And she's the same person that came out with male-bashing songs like "Independent Woman" and "Bills, Bills, Bills."

To "dog owner":

I agree with what you said. During the days when traditional families were the backbone of society's, things were great for society.

Following the feminist movement, where feminists denounced the traditional family, and for the most part eradicated the traditional family structure; ever since, there have been higher high-school drop-out rates, more teenage pregnancies, higher divorce percentages (which are now the majority of the marriage fates), more crime, more single-parent homes, more drug-use, and an overall decline in the once-strong social-fabric of our communities.

Thanks, feminists. I hope you're happy now.

♥Ĵựйỉþ€я♀:

I noticed you said I "agree" with feminists that claim caregiving is worth less than a man's role -- I never said that. In fact, I specifically said that both roles are equally important, but that feminists often claim that they're not. I share the same view as you.

Answer 1

Very good points.

I have no problem with my husband being the head of the house since that is the way God ordained it, not just because he works and does so many other things that you mentioned but because I love and respect him as my husband and as Christians, we try to follow God's Word in our home and our lives.

And what many women don't realize is in a good marriage, they still have a say in things and their husband will always be willing to listen to what she has to say about things. But, that's in a good marriage where both act like adults but unfortunately, you don't see too many of those anymore.

Answer 2

I think your opinion of what a woman expects in a relationship is somewhat flawed... women who want an equal marriage do not typically expect the man to take control over all the financial and physical aspects of a relationship. I do not remember the last time I was on a date that I didn't pay for either a meal, a movie, coffee, or whatever... I prefer to split things 50/50. Only once did I date a man that thought it was strange, and would often ask to pay for the entire date.

In a marriage it is up to the couple to decide what is right for the family, some women want to stay home and raise a family (which is a very important role and she should not be considered a financial liability) and some would rather add a financial contribution and again it is up to the couple to decide.

In my opinion:
- Worth and power in a relationship do not equal money.
- There should be equal respect and equal appreciation for the role each partner holds.
- Being "demeaning" to either partner is not part of a healthy relationship.
- Compromise but never "sacrifice" yourself or your beliefs (a good partner would never ask you to).

Answer 3

There are no leaders and no followers in a marriage. There is only a partnership.

The marriages that dissolve are the ones without a functioning partnership. Over a long period of time one spouse typically smolders with resentment, becomes increasingly fed-up and dissatisfied, finally just can't take it any more - and files for divorce. This is where a non-democratic marriage leads. This is where not hearing your partner leads.

For your edification: many women choose to keep their maiden names or hyphenate for professional reasons. You work hard building a career (maybe a client base) only to have your name drop off the industry radar screen. Nothing like starting all over again under a new identity.

There is no such thing as a free lunch: "he pays for the dates and dinners and shopping sprees..." means he likely is trying to buy YOU. This is called 'ingratiation": he will likely want to control you. Keep your eyes wide open and pay close attention. At the first signs of controlling behaviors listen to your gut and head for the hills. Don't look back. Be realistic: he's broken and beyond repair.

It's so much easier for a woman just to buy her own lunch in the FIRST PLACE. Hope that answers your 'question'.

Answer 4

You know what they say about nostalgia- a lot of it is looking through rose colored glasses. Are you sure things were so much better when we had defined gender roles? Obviously, a whole lot of people were unhappy with it, or the women's movement wouldn't have sprung into being if everyone was pretty satisfied with the way things were. The 19050's was actually a pretty oppressive time- few options for people of color, women hiding abusive situations at home, gay and transsexual people keeping their lives a secret, etc. We tend to fetishize the 50's in this country, but once you take a good look at it, you realize it had it's share of problems too.

Maybe I live in an especially liberal area of the country. but the roles and expectations you laid out for the man just aren't the norm where I come from. Women ask men out all the time, and in plenty of households the woman makes an equal pay or more. I happen to be the main bread winner in my household. There's been no grand marriage proposal- we both openly discuss the possibility of marriage, and asses where we are in life together (and I've made it clear that there will be no diamond- i think it's quite a waste of money). And if we do get married, I most certainly will be keeping my last name. i'm very proud of my family history. Why does something like that matter, anyway?

So yes, I'd be pretty pissed if my male partner suddenly thought he was going to be "head" of the household. I'd also be surprised, considering he hates working and money issues stress him out, and I can't seem to keep a kitchen clean to save my life. If it hadn't been for the women's movement and things were still the way you imagine them- strict gender roles, etc- we would both be stuck in roles that we didn't like and which didn't fit our strengths. He'd be stuck climbing the corporate ladder and stressing himself out over providing everything, and I'd be stuck at home baking pies and secretly drinking during the day. Does that sound like a "strong" situation to you? Thanks, but we'll pass.

Answer 5

You have somewhat of a point, but its not entirely true. There are some men who do not want to be the head of the house. Most men are the symbolic head of the house, behind the scenes women really do run the house. Why are you making all these accusations? For your information most women do not have a problem with the man being head of the household. Why don't you try posing the question in a less accusative way, you might get more positive answers.

Answer 6

Oh, man, gag me with a spoon!

Where to begin?

Okay, yes, absolutely, I have a problem with men (all men) being considered the head of household (all households). Now, if there is an individual couple and they decide that this way works for them and that's how they want to operate, fine, whatever, more power to 'em. However, I do not operate that way, and neither does my fiance. And neither of us appreciate being told how to run OUR household.

Where do you get off assuming that men are the ones who "pays most of the rent and for the car, he is usually the breadwinner, he pays for dates and dinners and shopping sprees...." I mean, hello, where have you been the past 50 years? In a cave deep in the Appalachian mountains? In case you hadn't noticed things have changed greatly. In fact, in case you haven't noticed, the so-called "traditional" family structure that you are alluding to only existed for a very brief period during the middle of the twentieth centure in the Western nations. This so-called "traditional" family broke down for a number of different reasons, including social and economic strains. It was in its decline well BEFORE the second wave of feminism.

But any way, women DO and have ALWAYS contributed financially to the running of the household. Women DO pay for groceries and the car and the mortgage/rent and the vacations and the utilities and the doctors bills and etc., etc., etc. For that matter, many women buy their own rings, ask guys out on dates and do the proposing.

As far as child care is concerned, what has traditionally been known as "women's work" IS demeaned in our society. Don't believe me? Look at how much careers in child care and housekeeping pays. Look at the level of education needed to get a job at a daycare center, or as a maid. There is NO such thing as "seperate but equal." Didn't we learn that during the Jim Crow era? The gendered division of labor within the so-called "traditional" family was indeed an unequal division. Women WERE considered to be ignorant, weak, child-like, hysterical, stupid individuals incapable of managing a weakly budget, a job outside the home, or making a decision bigger than what boxed cake mix to make for dinner. It was from this attitude that the whole "man is head of the household" thing came from, not because men made any kind of special "sacrifices."

Answer 7

So for you, marriage is about money. If you pay the bills, you're in charge? Interesting philosophy. What happens if you become seriously ill and disabled? Then would your wife become the "head of the household"? That's the problem with rigid gender roles, what happens, when the unexpected happens?

How sad, that you think a committed relationship is all about who makes the most money--and who gets "control" of another person or a relationship. Sometimes I've made more money than my partners, and sometimes they've made more. We're friends, lovers, companions, not "breadwinners". I don't need a breadwinner. I pay my own way. I want a partner. Plus, I want someone who is capable of sharing their lives with me; I don't want to be with someone who is trying to "control" their partner.

Edit:
You forgot that feminists are also responsible for bad spelling, hurricanes, bad hair days, earthquakes, gas prices, and pestilence, along with the decline of society as you knew it.

Answer 8

I do not believe that there is one head of the household. I believe that the man and his wife together hold that title. As far as taking the man's last name I have no problem on adding it on after my fathers last name which will always be the first man in my life. At the same time I do not demand that a man propose a certain way, pay for certain things or anything like that. Whoever decides they want marriage is the one that talks to the other. My mother proposed to my father and he chose to pay for the wedding and everything but that was not required of him. I do not think that feminists are to blame for all you statistics. Maybe divorce rates are higher, but less women are putting up with domestic violence. Maybe pregnancy rates are higher in high schools, but less women are being publicly embarassed and punished for being sexual. A lot of good has come from feminist movements.

Answer 9

Neither my husband nor myself is the "head of the household". We are a team. Income earned by one of us is family income. When I was working fulltime and he was in graduate school, that was the case. Now that I am an at-home mom and he is the main source of income, that is still the case. We both make sacrifices for each other and for the family. It's the occasional feminist that insists that caregiving doesn't count towards helping the family - apparently you agree. Why would my opinion not "count" as much as my husband's? We could just as easily trade places.

Look, I obviously have no problem with "traditional" marriage. I just disagree that someone is necessarily "in charge" and someone has to be inferior. We sacrifice for *each other*.

EDIT: Ah, OK, fair enough. Then the fact that I'm the "caregiver" doesn't mean that I don't get an equal vote in family decisions. That's all I meant by comparing the two positions. It's really just the idea that one of us is the "head" of the household by virtue of getting paid for his work that bothers me. I'm a big fan of "traditional" marriage. It works for us, anyhow. :-)

EDIT: Well, thanks for proving my point, Joanby. You're dead wrong if you think that ALL men prefer to have a wife who's working full-time as well. My husband is pretty darn happy to have someone devoted to raising his children properly. He knows that I could go get a job tomorrow if he were to lose his. That's completly missing the point. He's just proud to be able to provide for his family. YOU might link getting paid or not with a person's "value", but not everyone does. And if you think I'm "using" him as a paycheck, then I guess he's "using" me as a maid/nanny. But neither of us see it that way. I've been happily married 7 years. I guess time will tell if traditional marriages are more or less "happy" for the men involved. I, for one, would never want to BURDEN my husband with an exhausted, cranky, "split everything 50-50" wife. He certainly seems pretty happy eating a homecooked meal every night with happy kids and a happy, relaxed wife to greet him. If you think that's "sickening", then you are free to do otherwise in your own life.

Answer 10

Yes. Some women have a problem with a man being the head of the household. You blame feminism but then pretty much describe your typical unsatisfied passive agressive housewife who is sick of being talked down to like a child and treated with the contempt of a bad dog. None of your complaints regarding disatisfied housewives has anything to do with feminism EXCEPT feminists believe there are more than one solution. Submission to the likes of you is not the best solution. You're feeling a need to be dominant and mistaking it for being underappreciated. Independant equal women who are treated with respect and have their own lives are alot easier to get along with than fake submissive women.

Answer 11

It's not JUST women. Society today has the notion that traditional marriages are wrong, and if you are involved in the traditional family you are a "womanizer" if a male and a "sell out" if you're a female, but I assure you, in OUR relationship we have had an equal role in decision making and financial expenditures. We are more of a team than a dominate type of situation. She didn't work outside the home because SHE chose not to and fortunately never HAD TO.