My wife has problems with my family...what should I do?

Question

My mom has done some crappy things over the last two years, pretty much since I got engaged to my wife. I moved out from NY to IL to be with my wife back in 2005, and it seems my mom took it personally. When I brought my wife(then fiancee) back to NY to meet my family, my mom invited an ex-gf over with her daughter to have a birthday party for the little girl. I told my mother not to have my ex there under no circumstances, but she laughed it off saying my ex wouldn't take no for an answer.

Last year, in September, my wife and I got married. My mom came out to IL for the bridal shower, but acted rude and childish in front of my in-laws. She was also two hrs late to the shower without calling me. (Hell for all I knew, she could've been in an accident) Then she didn't even make it out here for my wedding, saying she didn't have the money.

My wife, of course, doesn't want anything to do with my mom. Is there anyway to smooth things over, or is this a lost cause?

Answer 1

I would say it's a lost cause for now. There may be some circumstance that will get them to get along but in these situations I personally have never seen anything good come out of a wife - mother-in-law spat. It's the type of thing only time can correct.

Answer 2

You know what? You're not alone. Wife vs Mother-in-Law is rampant. I've read that psychologically, it's because the mother in law can't/won't/doesn't want to accept that she is no longer in control of her children's actions.

There is nothing you can do. Your mom has to realize her errs and apologize profusely in order for things to improve. If you and your wife have kids, prepare for her to either expect the slate to be wiped clean, or to constantly suggest to your wife that she is an inadequate mother, or both.

My suggestion is to keep your mom at an arm's length until she learns to grow up a little. Sorry, I know she's your mother, but that's no excuse. If she loved and respected you, she would respect your wife. She doesn't deserve you.

And by the way, sounds like it's your family having probems with your wife, not the other way around..

Answer 3

You said it yourself. Your mom is acting rude and childish. She probably cannot except the fact that you are gone, but she is hurting you now. She is playing the game "hard to get" You need to find a way to unwind your mom! In order to smooth things out she needs to come to the conclusion herself. You can speed up the process and end this game by explaining to her that she is literally creating havoc with your heart and soul. Call her and start the ball rolling.You and your wife do not deserve this kind of treatment.

Answer 4

Sweetie no matter how old we get,we will always love our parents without a doubt, but right now you must think about your life, your new life with your wife. Some parents will always think that no one is good enough for their son, and yours is one of them. Your wife didn't marry your mother but it's you that she marry, why not keep your distance from them and just focus your time with your wife. As lonf as she knows that it's her that you love, nothing will matter to her.
You two have this new adventure to complete and if you let your mother ruin this for you, you will not have a normal life. I said this because my in laws esp. the sisters never really like me,which I never cared at all. Do this thing for the sake of your wife and that is all that matter. Who knows maybe one day your mother will realize that she can't run your private life nor ruin it for you....

Answer 5

You know that old saying "you can't teach an old dog new tricks"?
Well, not to call your mom an "old dog", the point is this: she is an adult, but certainly not a mature adult and is pretty much set in her ways.
My money says she will not or cannot change.

Your options are to either tolerate her lack of concern on your part or simply tell her that while you love her as the person who gave you life and raised you, it is not possible to have an adult relationship with her because of her disruptive behavior.

YOU are going to have to be the responsible adult because it is apparent that she can't or won't.

Answer 6

Parents have to be conditioned for change and sometimes it take a while for them to come around....sometimes we never do and that is our own problem....honestly I think the only thing you can do is love your mom, but you don't have to support her not wanting to be part of your life, because of your choice of wife....don't forget her and see if your wife will love you enough to accept that you love her, but you can't take on the responsiblity to smooth things over....don't let them pit you between both of them, just know that your mom loves you and just might come around some day....don't hold your breath though, in the meantime, if your mom is rude around your in-laws, don't include her in gatherings with them, and be honest with her, by telling her you can tell she is uncomfortable around them by her behavior....
Think about it....if your happy she should be happy too....if she is unhappy, that doesn't mean you have to be unhappy too!! (is it just your mom?)
Take care!!

Answer 7

no, you mother is the issue. In no way should your wife to be expected (or even you) to bend over backwards to smooth things over.

Your mother really needs a stern word or two for her actions. She should be very accepting. Not acting like this.

Answer 8

They might be able to mend fences after a while...maybe not.
Sometimes mom's will soften up once children are born.
Hopefully that will happen.
Once you are married your loyalty is to your wife and family and if your parents cause trouble in your marriage there's no choice but to keep contact brief.

Answer 9

She's from NY, 'nough said.
(no offense to us other Yorkers that haven't turned into 'holes yet)

Lost cause.
Let mother come forward with the apologies... (Even though it wont happen)

Answer 10

Let time take care of it. Your mom is obviously acting out. If she doesnt get any attention from you for it, then i think eventually she will stop.