Is physical attraction really needed for a lasting marriage?

Question

I have been married to my wife for more than 3yrs. We met in church and were very good friends. I was a little attracted to her but loved her more for who she is. I have always heard that it's better to marry you best friend then just based on attraction. We have two kids now one is from a previous relationship that she was in (13yrs.) and one is ours (4 yrs). I love my kids allot, but I find that my feelings for my Wife is not a deep love, but a friendship. I am just not attracted to her physically and never really was. She is physically attracted to me and wants to be with me everyday...but I just don't feel the same towards her. I have to act like I do and sometimes I feel that she knows. I am not happy and keep telling myself that more time might change things. I want to love my wife 100% in every way, but just don't and feel that I shouldn't have to force this feeling in my heart. I don't want to end of married after 20yrs. and the kids are gone and then tell her. Any advise?

Answer 1

This is a tricky one.
I really truly believe that physical attraction is such a big part of relationships. You ahve to have passion.
Because when you don't, it just becomes a friendship.
It sounds like you were never attracted to her in that way.

Answer 2

Kind of depends on how important this aspect is to YOU. Sensuality is important for some people, and less so for others. I personally don't feel that a strong physical attraction is a "must" for marriage. Perhaps some people can sustain physical passion over the long term, but I have never been able to - it waned and essentially turned into friendship after some time together. It didn't cause a problem for me, but it did for my former spouse, and we got divorced after 5 years together. I have re-married, and this relationship has never had much of a sensual aspect - it was more of a "friendship" from the start. It's hard to predict the future, but I was comfortable with this choice - still am, after 2.5 years together. Unlike you, I feel that there's certainly deep love in this relationship - even though it's lacking the "physical", sensual aspect. I'll be honest with you, I sometimes miss the passion I had experienced in other relationships. But at the same time, I realize that passion is not what's going to sustain my relationships long-term. I really enjoy chocolate every once in a while, but it is not chocolate that provides my daily nourishment. For me, there are things more "lasting" about a relationship. But it really depends on the person; everyone has to decide for themselves what they are comfortable with. There's always something one needs to give up in order to gain something else - what the trade-off is going to be depends on the person making the choice.

Answer 3

Personally, I think that you are going through a slump and you shouldn't make any rash decisions about your relationship now.

Just because you aren't happy right now doesn't mean you will never be. You say you used to find your wife attractive, even just a little, then you should work to inject the romance back into your marriage. I will tell you this man, physical beauty fades, and if you really love her you will begin to see her inner beauty rather than just her physical beauty.

Now because you have children I would suggest that you seek some sort of counseling on your own, and then if appropriate bring your wife into counseling with you. This is a problem with your perception of your wife, and it doesn't sound like it reflects the reality of your wife.

Don't throw away a marriage based just on this, if you go to counseling and you decide that you can't be happy with your wife because of this issue, then pull the trigger on your relationship, but I would urge you to seek professional help first, because it is likely that you can rekindle the attraction you used to have, and make it flare up into a full blown love so that you can "love her 100% in every way"

It is not going to be easy and you may have to face some uncomfortable truths about yourself in the process but trust me you will never regret having tried to save your marriage, no matter how it turns out.

Good luck man and I hope this helps.

Answer 4

Interesting question. Not sure that I have an answer. I would try to think about whether or not something else is contributing to you not feeling physically attracted to her.

Maybe a bond can be forged that will create something deeper for you than just friendship with her. I think it is still worth seeking an answer to and can be resolved somehow over time. Maybe she needs to know what will attract you physically (not meaning that she has to change physically).. just meaning that you need to directly tell her (in a nice way) what would help put you "in the mood." That is, if you know what that is.

Are you mixing up lust with physical attraction? In any marriage I think it is common to feel more lust in the beginning (although you said you never did). and then over time for it to be replaced with a more mature deeper love and attraction due to the other persons qualities and not necessarily physical attraction. Are you not attracted because there is no "chase" - question is what makes you attracted, and what is missing in your connection together that leaves you feeling unfulfilled.

I would go to a marriage counselor alone first (tell her, be honest). And then later go together. See if the marriage counselor who has expertise in this area can offer suggestions or pinpoint what can be done to strengthen your attraction.

Answer 5

There are 2 things that I feel are very important to ignite the flame of love and passion and they are:

1. to love and care about each other for who you are on the inside and
2. physical attraction and passion for who you are on the outside.

To maintain love and a life together you need the rest of the list such as respect, support, honesty, etc...

The combination of all these is what keeps you wanting each other as the years go by.

My best friend and childhood friend is female (but could have been male), my husband on the other hand is also a best friend but he brings out the best in me in ways I can not really explain, but the feelings are different and not just of a friendship but more intense and full of love and passion. That’s what makes my relationship with my husband different from the one I have with my childhood best friend. I love them both but in totally different ways.

I am not sure this will help but this is something that is really hard to explain. I think you should be honest and talk to her and try to work together at making it work. If it doesn’t work out then I hope you both can move on to better things.

Good luck!

Answer 6

I think all parts of a relationship are equally important. I fyour not happy in one aspect of your marriage it WILL carry into other aspects. You have to think about the long term for you,your wife, and your kids. If you and your wife are not happy,as much as you may think your children don't notice, they DO. You need to talk to your wife and discuss the options, if there is something she can do to be more attractive to you, then I say try it first, if you know there is nothing that is going to change the way you feel then now is the time for everyone to start moving on....

Answer 7

I am a married female who married at a very young age. I am physically still attracted to my spouse but feel he is not attracted to me anymore because of the changes my body has gone through over the last 13 years with having kids and gaining weight. He tells me that his feelings havent changed and he still loves my body but I know its a lie, like your wife I want to be with my spouse but know hes not feeling the same way because he pushes me away. The best advise I can give is to be honest with her the truth hurts but living and knowing a lie is 10 times worse. Believe me she knows how you feel but the confirmation needs to be there

Answer 8

Since you met in Church, you must have read the story of
Jacob..Rachel and Leah. He loved Rachel, but was forced to marry Leah also.
He did learn to love Leah but his heart always belonged to Rachel.
If you really love her, you won't lie to her every day..do the right thing and tell her the truth. You might be able to work it out together.

Answer 9

Don't worry about it.
I'm not attracted to my wife either.
After 12+ years of her pointing out all her flaws all I can see now are her flaws.
She's a companion and someone who I can play fight with.
My life is still my own and I make my own happiness. It would be nice to be attracted to my wife, but I still have fun.

Answer 10

I feel sorry for you, but I think you have answered your own question. You need to be physically attracted to your mate. Looks is not why you love someone, but it is why you are intimate with them. Could you make love to someone who you had no physical attraction to? I think you need to have a serious talk with your wife.