My friends marriage has many problems? Would like others advice so I can advise her better?

Question

My g/f, "Patty" and her husband "Ron" have too many issues to deal with. He doesn't like spanish women, but yet married one? She is very lite complected so therefore looks (and acts) white. Her and I have been friends for almost 10 yrs.



Main problem is he can't stand me and I have never even met the man but once, when their son was in the hospital. I don't even know why? I have never done ANYHTING to make the man think I'm a horrible person or anything. The only thing he doesn't like that I can figure is, he doesn't believe that a woman can have several children ( I have 4) and be a stay at home mom (which I am). In his eyes that is not natural. It is degrading according to him. I love my friend and she loves me (not sexually at all for the pervs out there).

Anyways, "Patty" allows him to be VERY controlling of everything. She has 2 sons, one is autistic,(18) one is a spoiled brat (11). She allows "Ron" to basically treat her as if she is a child.

I have told

her, she' been married 20 yrs. Yet she allows him to DICTATE to her when she can speak/see her family When she can see/speak to her friends. What money she may spend & when. Where she can go etc. I have done my best to give advice
She is miserable, but doesn't think she can continue to get the help she needs for her son w/o HIM. Becuz he makes $25/hr she is secure but still works as a server herself at Applebee's (figure that one out, cuz I haven't). I keep trying to tell her that there are many programs here in CO that accept the income she makes & goes from there. She would get more help if she was to leave him (this is not the only reason I want better for her) (I have checked out the information on what help she could receive myself).
My question is HOW CAN I HELP HER SEE SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE AFRAID? NOT ONLY AM I & MY HUSBAND WILLING TO HELP BUT SO IS HER FAMILY, HER OTHER FRIENDS AS WELL. Tell me something that can really help her NOW!!! PLEASE HELP!!! Thanks...

He is emotionally and mentally abusive. She does see it! but is to afraid of what will happen with her autistic son and "Nathan". She tells me he destroys all of her things when he is mad (famil(her family pictures, a doll (her grandmother who passed away)made for her whom she had made to look just like her younger son, b-day and x-mas presents family and friends gave to her etc.. and I have seen it myself.( the pictures and doll). Her sister and I took her to the courthouse ourselves and it just so happens that she was given the wrong papers to sign for divorce.(how convenient). I know that nobody can make her get a divorce that will have to be her choice only. All me, her family and her other friends are trying to make her see is that she does have other options! That's it. she doesn't have to live the next 20 yrs being afraid.!!!!

IT IS MY BUSINESS!
SIMPLE FACT SHE MADE IT MY BUSINESS:THE FIRST TIME SHE SPENT THE NIGHT AT MY HOUSE. WHICH MADE IT MINE AND MY HUSBANDS BUSINESS) THE FIRST TIME HER MOM (WHO IS A WONDERFUL CARING WOMAN) ASKED ME TO WATCH OUT FOR HER BABY( WITH TEARS IN HER EYES). TELL ME HOW CAN ANY ONE AVOID A MOTHERS LOVE AND CONCERN FOR THEIR CHILD?
There are times people should butt out. But sorry folks this is not it!
By the way she has gone to a one-sided marrital counselor. But since he isn't willing to go too, it is a mute point.
Since there are about 60 people already trying to help her all I really want is someone's advice out there that can truelly SAVE HER! From her own insecurities, something that maybe none of us have thought of!?

One last thing, I may have only met the man once in person, but I have spoken to him on the phone more than once, and HE TRUELLY IS A TOTAL IGNORANT ***!!!!!!!. He has told me in so many words I am not the kind of friend that she needs, although I am the only one that came to the hospital to support her (besides family) when their child was so sick (he had lesions on his brain , which GOD cured and he's ok now, but at the time she called me crying and I could barely understand the situation , she warned me not to come, becuz of him but I did cuz I love her and her son)
She comes to my house, becuz she is to paranoid about running into him at their home. I have only been to her house early in the morning when I know he's at work. I am not afraid of him, I just don't want him to take it out on her. He has threatened suicide if she leaves him by the way, just another form of keeping her in check.

Answer 1

He sounds like he has a controlling disorder. he wants to control her friendship with you so that she never gets out of line with him. He doesn't want her to have any opinions and does not want her to be her own person. This is emotional abuse and he fills her mind with only thoughts to benefit him. A very selfish and insecure man putting guilt upon her to make her do what he thinks is right for his world alone. He wants her to not explore her own reality of being her own person. He has created by manipulation a mental prison in her life in what he feels is intitled to him because he made her his wife. She is to be nothing more than that..... and for you to be her friend you are a threat to allow her to think for herself ....that is why he can't stand you! She needs counseling to find out why she tollerates his behavior and he needs it to discover what and why his issues allow him to treat his wife this way? She needs to find the courage and strength to make some changes in her life and realize there is another way of looking at a relationship and being properly treated in one! She is not a child and needs to be respected as an adult by her husband. If she is unhappy in her life she needs to learn to fight for changes in her marriage and if he does not want this she needs to give him an ultimatum. What does she have to lose at this point ....when she is allowing him to contol her whole life? The most she could end up with is her freedom and self worth and gaining self esteem. It is only right to be the most you can be to yourself and to be with someone who will bring you up not down in life! She deserves to be getting more out of life than what he is giving her and she needs help to make her see this. The choice is up to her ....as her friend you can lead and guide her to expect more than what she is getting....but only she can want that for herself. Suggest that she talks with a professional and to stand up to her husband that she is going to do this no matter what! Good luck and best wishes to you and your friend sweetie.

Answer 2

I was in an abusive relationship (mental and physical) once and stayed in it for years. A friend new what was going on because she had been there too. All she did was tell me she knew and if I ever needed her she would be there for me. I gave every reason in the book that it wasn't happening. But then one night when I finally had enough - I gave her a call and she came and got me.The idea that she was there stayed in my mind and even though we just had the one talk it never left my mind.
So being able to relate to her situation - I would say that where she is for now is where she wants to be, at least deep down. And there's nothing you can do until she's ready.

Answer 3

Life actions and also you had well time of More than three years with so known as your mistake.. I do not see any drawback together with your new friendship as it's supplying you with well emotions and it issues such a lot as an character. It used to be his temptation to get you into this and so he must pay for that and now not you..If he does now not recognize with the predicament created allow him do what he needs to do so long as you're pleased with what you're doing proper now.. I see a patch up provided that you each think there's a want for it or else its OK to simply overlook approximately the limitation among you too and do anything makes you think pleased.. If he has made you open minded..he need to have the center to be like that for lifestyles time now..its extra his drawback as an alternative than yours on my own..Enjoy it the best way you think as marriage isn't a the one factor in lifestyles however happiness is..

Answer 4

You said it when you said "My g/f, "Patty" and her husband "Ron" have too many issues to deal with"

Personally, you are too closely involved. Stay out and let them deal. Let her come and download on you if thats your thing, but even the $1,000 an hour psychotherapist does one thing, LISTEN and let them draw their own conclusions. I remember a woman that talked this way but saw her not attempting to control anything and when the husband stepped in stop the anarchy, he was the "bad guy." Sounds like what she needs is a kick in the butt and step up. If one is a spoiled brat and controlling over a parent. It's THAT parent thats not willing to deal with that child. It's her fault. Most likely, the stress of dealing with the autistic child and the new entering teenager that is not as easily controlled as the autistic one is proving challenging.

So be there for her, but don't fuel her negativism, the "its his fault" line. Just sit, listen, watch, and attempt to see what it is thats SHE is doing wrong, not what HE is.

Answer 5

You need to stay right out of this situation.It has nothing to do with you even though you are best friends with her.She has to resolve this herself.
You can be there for her but other than that stay out of it.
If she allows this to go on,that is her problem.She needs to step up and take control of her own life.Nothing you do will change that fact.Any advice she gets needs to come from someone of authority and not you.Don't end up the middle man on the outside looking in.
Let her know you are always there for her and leave it as such.

Answer 6

You should be there for your friend when she needs you, but you should stay out of their marital issues.

If you have only met the man once, how do you know how he feels about you having 4 children and being a SAHM? Is your friend venting to you about how her husband feels about you?

She is probably also telling her husband things about you that she should have not told him.

Does she enjoy the drama?

Let her work out her own marital issues. Have fun with her a be a friend without all the drama.

Answer 7

Even with the best intention, it is not appropriate for you to advise your gf against her husband. The only exception is physical abuse and she or her children are in grave danger. Your friend is a grown woman and she picked this guy to marry.

There are no lack of bias in the US and one spouse doesn't have to be fond of the other spouse's best friends. We call that life. If I can hear you in real person, you sound like one of those bickering women on the Dr Phil show justifying this and that. But at the end, you are an outsider of the household and it looks like your opinions are not welcome by them,

Answer 8

OK, if you have serious concerns, your friend is the one who you need to be speaking to, not us. And if you speak with her and she feels your fears are unfounded and are misjudged, then she will tell you so. As long as her husband is not physically or mentally abusive, then how they chose to live their life together and what they do is their business. As long as your friends physical well being is safe and sound, you really have no foot hold to stand on. Different people believe a relationship should be different, and even your closest friend and you can disagree on something like this, no need to force your views of a proper relationship on her.

Answer 9

Let me start by thanking you for bringing such a question to limelight! most people would just sit and watch the drama and become victim aftermath. Don't get discouraged, have as many kids as you want, they are blessings from God! irrespective of what your friend's husband thinks of you. The most important thing is you are unique and that makes you a saint. on the question of friend's marriage, i think i would advise if they seek professional advise. most marriages are successful today because of counsel ling. your friend's case should not be exempted. expect good results

Answer 10

Maybe your friend wants to be treated like that. You need to talk to her and see if that is what she wants - if she is such a good friend, she will tell you. Also, you need to know the whole picture, she might just be teling you one side of the story. How do you know he cannot stand you? Has he told you? Maybe you are just assuming this and not getting the real picture.