what would you do in my position?

Question

i have been with my partner for at least 20 years, and lived together in my house for the last 5yrs.he is a carer on nights working only with women . it has now been brought to my attention that he is having a great "social" time there. I feel really gutted and used...and would really like a little revenge, whatdo you think?

Answer 1

Start having your own social life, go out with friends and have a good time. Or you could give him a choice, either he starts doing more social things with you or he's going to have to move out, so you can meet someone new to do things together with. After being together for that long, people become too comfortable in the relationship and take the other for granted, maybe he needs a wake up call!!!

Answer 2

Janet,
Your question seems a bit vague, and on here making assumptions rarely is wise.

I'm not sure what you mean by "he is a carer on nights". Do you mean he has a career working nights? He does the job, not is the job... I hope anyway.

You say he's been having a great social time where he works... you don't specify what type of place that is. If he works in a social environment, and enjoys his job, it follows he would be having a great social time.

Why is he working only with women?

Is this a new position he has or one you just found out about? I get the impression it isn't, so I'm not sure what the problem is now or why you feel used.

I hope you'll add additional details to this question, because as it stands now, I do not think people have enough information to give you good advice.

Answer 3

Sneaky bad revenge isn't as sweet as it seems. You know what would be a great revenge, though? Letting yourself leave him. Letting him hear from mutual friends how happy you are and how calm you are without him. Of course i don't know the extent of the situation, but of what i know, you feel neglected even after 20 years with this man. If you have revenge and still stay with him, it'll be a short term fix for you, and then he'll think ur coo-coo. If you're not ready to leave, have a talk with him about what he does at night. Tell him you feel used. If you don't trust him, and it seems he doesn't want to do the work to make you happy, kick that guy out of YOUR house and don't waste any more time of your life. Sure, you're used to him because you both stuck around so long, but that doesn't mean he's right for you, and apparently it doesn't mean he can make you happy all day, all month, all year. That's what you deserve.

Answer 4

so by social - do you mean sexual? that there is direct evidence of him cheating? because if he's not - and there is no proof - you may be jumping to conclusions.

assuming things can be horrible, if it isn't the correct assumption. what happens if he didn't do anything at all - and he's just friends with these women - and you go out for revenge, and then 20 years is down the drains. revenge is a bad thing. it won't make you feel better and it very well might make things worse.

can you talk to him? tell him what you think you know? you know how he reacts to things - by talking to him you will be able to figure out what's going on for real. if something is going on - make him move out - and move on. don't collapse into revenge! that's really going to do nothing - you will feel good for a moment and then gross and upset at the end. and you don't want that - do you?

don't always believe other people. talk to him. find out what's really going on. and be an adult about it!

good luck!

Answer 5

You say that this has been "brought to your attention". You need to look at and understand where this source is coming from. If he is saying this, then perhaps it is his way of seeking attention from you - I doubt that this would be such a great 'social time'. If on the other hand, you have heard this from a person outside of the relationship, then I would question their "friendship" or "advice", as you, have, afterall, been with this person for at least 20 years and you really should know them better than anyone. All in all, don't be misled and trust your instinct here.

Answer 6

I will say that revenge will not help the situation....sorry about that one...lol...I would try and talk with him and if he seems annoyed with that then it would probably be best that you take a break from one another...20 yrs is a long time, but you have to think of yourself and what you want out of this relationship....is there a reason why you have not married?...maybe he likes having the little woman at home waiting for him after he has his fill of fun!

Answer 7

Revenge is never a good idea, you don't want to go down to his level, if he did this and you are sure because you confronted him about this then leave him, remember the ball turns and he will get whats coming to him, even if you are not there to get any satisfaction out of if. Just the knowledge you where the better person should be more than enough.

Answer 8

If you mean social in the work sense do nothing. If you mean in the infidelity sense then think carefully, Revenge is a dish that is best served cold.............It also tends to freeze your own heart! 20 years is alng time together and you must have both learnt how to compromise. If has been unfaithful confront him. But don't go for revenge it will only hurt you more!

Answer 9

So he's "social". What the hell does *that* mean?

Plus, who "brought it to your attention"?

My god woman, stop speaking in riddles.

So, let's get this right - based on the unreliable reports of what clearly appears to be another woman, you are going overboard on him being "social" and are planning severe revenge?

That's about as immature a reaction as can be imagined.

You want him to act like an adult? Try doing it yourself.

He might be a selfish asinine juvenile - so being with you is a match made in heaven.

Answer 10

You don't say who brought this to your attention, but I would most definitely NOT throw away a 20 year relationship based on one persons 'facts'.

Revenge is the knee-jerk reaction and it is natural. But I think you owe it to your 20 year commitment, to stop and consider the possibility that what you have been told is wrong.

Good luck!