Have you ever gone through a bad patch in your marriage and worked it out?

Question

Can you tell me what happenned and did it get better? I don't want to divorce. My husband and I have had difficulties having a child and we are both grieving the loss of a child we almost had in November who was stillborn. I'v lost my sex drive, I was having sex with him but had to stop because I started hating it and needed a break (just a week) but I'm trying to still be affectionate. We don't have much to say and are both depressed a lot. I'm going to counselling, he wants to try. We just don't have fun together anymore. I'v thought of separation and I'm sure he has too, but he says he still loves me, but everything is just bad right now. Help!

Answer 1

My wife and I had a lot of trouble having children at first. Sex became an effort on her part to conceive and each failure only increased the stress level. We began having arguments because of the stress and things got really rough. Sex became only about baby making and we began arguing a lot. After we finally had our first daughter (now 8), sex became fun again.

When we decided to have another baby, she started to get into the stress routine again and I wasn't sure what to do. That baby miscarried and we were told to wait before trying again. During that time, sex became fun again, as we did it to please each other. When we began to try again, I asked my wife to just enjoy the time we spent together and not focus on the procreational part of sex. Lo and behold, she was pregnant in a month and our 2nd was born.

The third came without any issues at all and really helped my wife to separate lovemaking from baby creating. She understands now that it isn't up to her to make sure everything's perfect and we time our attempts to the day. Our lives together don't revolve around creating life, they revolve around loving each other and our children, which is right.

My suggestion is don't equate lovemaking with baby production and that may help your sex drive, it sure worked for us. If you love each other, you'll find your way through this. We've had our share of rough times over the past 12 years, but never lost sight of the fact that we truly do love each other!

Answer 2

We have had rough patches many times. Each time we do I just try to remember that this phase will pass. I know how heart breaking it can be to want a child, yet you can't. When my husband and I first started trying it took us two years before we had a child. Every month we would get our hopes up and then have to deal with the let down. You just have to focus on each other. Remember, that even without a child you are still people that love each other and complete each other. I now have three beautiful children, so don't give up.

We recently went through another rough patch. My son has had three surgeries in the last year and our health insurance dropped us (private - not a group plan). Between worrying about our son and the financial strain ($60,000) it was tearing us apart. Finally, we just realized that these problems have nothing to do with how we feel about each other. We realized that we were blessed just to have one another.

The problems will come and go. Just hang in there. Remember why you fell in love and hold on to that.

Answer 3

First of all, I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby. The two of you are going through some difficult times. But that is all it is. You can work through those problems together. If you're having problems communicating your feelings to one another, then couples counseling could work wonders for you.

Think back to your marriage vows. Did you take them seriously. I've never heard any couple vow to stay together until a bad patch happens. Working through the bad patches is what makes a marriage stronger. You know he will always be there for you.

I have been a marriage counselor for many years and I've seen many couples recover and be happier with each other after just a couple of sessions.

Good luck.

Answer 4

I have not been through what you have, but my wife and I are trying to work through a rough patch at the moment. I have, or had, gotten to the point of feeling unloved, unwanted, and taken for granted. Unfortunately I am not the type that can express my feelings well. I am much better at listening and giving advice. It finally got to the point that I felt our marriage had failed and after trying to make it better (without telling her how I felt), I didn't think there was anything that could be done. So I finally told her it was time to admit failure. She threatened to take everything I had if I left. I told her I had already talked to a laywer and that was just not going to happen. She had a "lightbulb moment" and said she wanted to save our marriage. Things got better for a month or two. Then they went back to the way they were. I finally wrote her a letter telling her how I felt. She seemed to honestly not know things were not better. We are now trying to make things work.

I know this has nothing to do with your situation, but you asked about other's rocky times. It does show that communication is very important and that if both people want to make it work, it is possible to try. I would like to tell you things are much better with me, but I can't. they are not as bad as they were, but still not as good as I would like them to be. I hope one day they will be. That is more than I could have said a few months back. If you both still love each other, then it is without a doubt worth trying. The first thing you need to do is come to terms with what happened last year and the medical facts about that situation. After that, it is a matter of remembering why you married in the first place. I do understand how you feel about making love. I went through something similar when I was much younger. That is something with which you are going to have to deal. I think learning to cope with your lose will help with that.

You have my sympathy and my wishes for the best of luck.

Answer 5

Well you guys are trying to have a baby like a robot. Just relax, have the sex you want and enjoy it. Eventually it'll come. Don't say, 'ok honey, lets go do this we need an offspring male husband unit.' Just go out for the night, get home and SCREW. Have FUN. You're fortunate to not have to worry about it. This is a time in your life where you WANT a baby so there is NOTHING you have to dislike sex for. Your hubby is familiar, you're not going to catch a disease. You don't have to be afraid of getting pregnant because thats what you WANT. So you what you should be doing is having fun with this freedom! The more upset you get, the more he thinks he's doing something wrong and then he gets upset. Then you both end up pissed. Just say whatever honey, lets make love when we WANT to. Not when a 'getting pregnant book' tells me to. Eventually, we'll have a baby from a loving embrace. Not the robotic dance lf baby making.

Answer 6

When you love someone and are having a tough period it's the communication that gets you through. Don't worry about the sex, sex is an important part of marriage but happiness is the ultimate goal. Work on your emotions and keep the feelings alive. Talk everything out, holding it in will only make matters worse. Sorry about your loss and good luck, hope it all works out for you.

Answer 7

things sound pretty hard right now. but instead of isolating yourselves try depending on each other as friends. dont give up stick it through! i know it feels like the romance is gone but the sincere love for one another sounds like it is still there. Marriage usually hits its lowest point after the first child. and in your case its a traumatic case. but remember that you to are partners and in it together.
Work it out. tell him that you love him, stay positive and try to uunderstand his feelings to. He may grief a different way from you.
With time you two will be closer then ever!
I truly hope it works out! Dont let the marriage go.

Answer 8

Life is about reality. Don't think you have to have a fairy tale - in the movies existence to be alive. People fall out of love the same way and rate that they fall into it. Don't look for other people, even your spouse to provide your reality or entertainment or anything else. Be a whole and happy person and your life will be much better no matter what happens.

Find your True Self and make *YOU* happy NOW!!!

Answer 9

You should both be in counseling together.You have just gone through an earth shaking event.with some professional help and prayers you'll pull through.My sister in law had a still birth in her 8th month.2 years after the fact she is still struggling to adjust.
I see you-I know where you are in your life.It is OK to cry when you feel like it.Just remember that YOUR HUSBAND IS MOURNING TOO.Support each other, it is not going to be easy but you will eventually pull through

Answer 10

just think when you guys get through this - and you will get through it - you 2 will be inseperable - go out and have fun -take a break from it - plan a trip somewhere cool where you guys can let loose a little - make plans with other couples - this is not the ending for you guys it is just a beginning to make you 2 stronger