My Daughter wants to move herself and my 2 grandkids into my house! HELP!!?

Question

Here's a long story.... But I'll try to give it the Readers Digest treatment...

1. Daughter lived in another state, got pregnant, boyfriend left her, moved back home and had baby #1.
2. Lived at home for 2 years, she got a good job, wife and I helped raise granddaughter. Gave daughter 6 months to save money to get a place of her own. We told her to save as much as she could and that we didn’t want rent or anything, so she could max out saving.
3. Six months pass, daughter didn’t attempt to save money, told to start paying $300.00 per month to cover expenses for utilities, food, etc. Daughter agreed to pay but was usually late paying and complained a lot about paying the $300.00.
4. Tensions got high off / on about raising granddaughter, meal preps, her $300.00 rent, etc.
5. Daughter meets guy, gets pregnant again and gets wife to side with her to let him move in. This is because daughter says she doesn’t want to be alone for this pregnancy. Husband foolishly caves in to request.
6. Six months into pregnancy they get married, but still live with us.
7. Second grandchild born brought into my home, and parents aren’t saving money.
8. Husband has had it and tells wife, the daughter, her husband and the two grandkids leave by the end of 8 months (or he does), that gives them almost a year to save.
9. Son in laws parents let them move into one of his rental houses. They’ve lived there almost a year. But now they’re getting a divorce and she wants to move back home.
10. Now looking at this brief history, what would you do? I mean I really and truly love my daughter and my grandchildren, but past experiences don’t exactly salt my fries, if you know what I mean.

Please, give me some pointers or ideas. Thanks to all who answer this tough one

Answer 1

I totally feel for you. It sounds like your daughter needs to learn some responsibility and not make some poor choices. I know you love your daughter and want whats best. If she seriously has no place to go, and abolutely NEEDS to come back you set some boundaries. She WILL save money, she WILL do something with her life so that she can afford a place of her own, and SHE WILL NOT GET PREGNANT AGAIN OR SHE FORFEITS LIVING WITH YOU! I can't think of any other good alternative except to make her get on some kind of county financial aid, and get county housing. Even then she will have it tough trying to make ends meet I'm sure. You need to have a serious sit down with your daughter as well. It sounds like she is taking advantage of you and the wife being the "safety net". It's good that you are a caring father, but at the same time you can't allow your daughters crisis' in her life cause turbulence in your marriage. That's not cool either. So like I said, if she must come back, set boundaries. She is in YOUR world now not hers. And she ought to be glad and fortunate and APPRECIATIVE she has parents like you. You can always pray they don't divorce.....long shot, but you never know. I wish you sir the very best!

Answer 2

uggh. what a toughie
It's difficult to turn someone away who may be in an extreme financial bind right now, as well as an emotional upheaval.
If she can't afford to be on her own, what other choice is there?
First, you have to be on the same page as your wife on this. Discuss it extensively until the two of you have come to an agreement about how long she will be allowed to stay, and what are the ground rules.
Then BEFORE your daughter moves back in, sit her down with your wife there too, and go over the rules, limitations, expectations, and concerns. Do it matter-of-factly, no arguments, no hostility.
If you do let her move back home and she breaks any rule, or something new crops up, address it immediately, don't let it eat away at you.
You want to help your daughter, but you don't want to let her get too comfortable being back home. You must make it so that she always feels as if she is a guest in your home, a type of reminder that this is a temporary situation, and the shorter, the better.
The only other suggestion I can think of is to subsidize her rent for awhile? It may cost you more, but it could bring you more piece of mind. You could also stipulate that she has to begin making regular loan payments back to you once she has a job, or whatever will improve her financial situation (since you didn't tell us those kinds of details).

Answer 3

I have heard this story a million times. It never turns out good.

Tough love is usually too tough to give.

This is what I would do;

I would sit her down and tell her that she has six months to get her act together. She has to have a plan. She has no plan, that is why she is there to be rescued by you.
I would say, OK, here is the plan. Go to Financial Peace University and follow a proven plan to get your life together. At the end of that six months, the party is over.

http://www.daveramsey.com/

Here is the link to his website. Call or email to learn where an FPU class is near you. It is a 13 week class that meets once a week. It is proven to get people on track to take care of themselves. Tell her that she is getting 2 or 3 jobs and doing what it takes to get it together.

You have to mean it. If you don't, you will have a useless loser and user on your hands for as long as you live.

It ain't easy, but there is NO other way. Be a tough a**hole and make it stick. If she knows she has no safety net, she will get it together or go on welfare.

If you don't get her to be responsible, shame on you. She would be much better off if you and your wife both died. Then she would have to do something else, wouldn't she?

I promise you that I will never be in a position like this. I am too dang tough.

Answer 4

I have grown children and if they ever need to, they are welcome to stay as long as they need to. Being a parent does not stop when they leave the nest.
We have even gone as far as letting the mother of our granddaughter move in with us, she had another child after she and our son stopped being together. And we consider her our grandchild as well. She also lived with us and had her boyfriend stay. They are married now, with another baby on the way.
We have never minded the kids coming home if needed. Because we understand if they could do it on their own they would. And they have. But, when they need help, it is pretty much a no questions policy.
We wont always be around to catch our kids when they fall. But, as long as I can, I will.

Answer 5

I would tell her that her actions aren't hurting the intended person, unless she intends to hurt you. She's not hurting her sister by not speaking to her and not visiting, but by not coming over and seeing you, your feelings are hurt and you're sad you don't get to see her as much. Other than that, they're all adults, and once your youngest finds a house the situation will be solved. So if the middle daughter won't come over until the youngest leaves, at least you know the silver lining to this cluster of a situation is that it's time limited.

Answer 6

I had to put my foot down & take whatever my daughter tried to dish out in revenge.
I am raising my 2 grand & have been since birth.They are 14 & 15 now.
She moved in &out for yrs,always at my expense & never would follow the rules & always had a different man following her into my house at my ignored protests!
Every time i would put my foot down,she would steal my custody papers & the kids ID's & call the welfare on me with some made up story or another & try to get our SS cut off.
This time I just let whatever she tried to do come! I knew God would help us no matter what.
This time,no one would listen to her & I called the police every time she tried to move in or came around.
She finally has her own apt.& is paying her own bills.I let her use all the men she messes with support her! They are the fools now,not me.

Answer 7

You need to have a sit down visit with your wife, and then visit with your daughter about your feelings. You have raised your family, and she needs to do the same with hers. Can you help her get a place of her own and on her feet? I can understand for a little while, but the long term stuff is for the birds! You need to express your feelings, and state what you are willing to help with if any, and then be firm.
You daughter is not being helped at all knowing she has her mommy and daddy to run to when things get tough. The real world is tough, and sometimes we have to be tougher!

Answer 8

No way, don't let her come back. She will find somewhere else. I have had several family members and friends move in on me over the years and ended up having to kick them all out because they didn't do as they said they would and guess what? They all found somewhere else to go. You will regret letting her back. Don't do it. She will survive and be better for it if she finds her own way. You could help her out a little financially if you want, but don't let her back to your home. If you do she may dig in like a tic and you will end up raising her kids. No way.

Answer 9

This is a tough one....I really don't have an answer for you except what can you do? There's kids involved. Will she go homeless if you don't let her move in? I'm sure you wouldn't let that happen but is that the situation she is in? If so, there's really no choice for you but to let her. Maybe tell her no until it gets to that point or her living situation is unacceptable. If you don't do that you may be making it too easy for her to use you again. Good luck and I hope it all works out!

Answer 10

Tell her that you have already raised your children already, and now it is time for you and your wife to have some alone time. Tell her that you will help her get a place of her own, and discuss having you wife babysit for a few months until she gets on her feet. Do not let her come back home again. It is time for her to learn a lesson about having children, and the responsibilities they involve. You have done your share to help her, if you don't teach her some responsiblity, who is going to take care of her when you and your wife are no longer around???