Is this a marriage or just an organized household?

Question

My husband and I are very good parents. We have a young child who is growing up smart, capable and confident. We both adore the child and the child adores us.
My husband and I are also very good roommates. We have a good division of household labor, a compatible arrangement of schedules so we can both work and take care of our child with minimal outside child care, and an efficient way of having conversations to plan things and get things done.
But after we put our child to bed every night, he falls asleep in front of the TV. I go to bed alone.
In a recent conversation, he said, "I'm sorry I disappoint you, but I'm doing the best I can." I interpret this to mean he isn't interested in any changes. We have been married over 20 years. The gradual disappearance of physical affection began a long time ago. I'm not sure physical affection is what I want anymore. I've grown used to having quiet, solitary evenings while he snoozes.
Is this a marriage or just an organized household?

Answer 1

Every marriage goes through phases - it can't all be the honeymoon period. And having a small child around definitely puts a damper on the couples time. That being said, are you happy? If so, then yes, it's a marriage, and a successful one at that. If not, then make suggestions for ways to change things, and start practicing what you preach. Don't go to bed alone! Wake him and make him come with you!

Answer 2

The answers to this question, so far, have been the most intelligent answers I have seen on this site.

Hard to follow up, they all have great points.

My addition: You both may be very comfortable with where you are at, but I guarantee that both of you are thinking the same thing, "Why doesn't he/she liven this up a little?"

The first to dive in and put a fun little mess amongst all the organization wins. A truly beautiful home has some little messes laying around, like an out of place magazine pile, munchkin toys on the floor, or maybe even a few dirty dishes in the sink. If it were completely clean, it would be a boring museum. Marriage is the same way, too much organization is boring. Make a fun little mess of it. Throw a dirty movie in the TV, wear something special (or nothing at all) and see if he wants to fall asleep on the couch now. Interrupt your (and his) day to drop by and bring him a coffee or something to snack on. You KNOW him...surely you know what will engage his curiosity and stimulate some interest. Do something..........

I leave you with this: the kid will feel any vibes you have between you and your husband. the happier you two are with each other, the happier the kid will be.

Answer 3

This is an organized household. It's great that the two of you are good parents and good roommates...But a marriage is something that two people take part in, you spend time together and enjoying eachothers company. It's sad that you've just settled and have gotten "used to" the quiet evenings of solitude. My parents have been married over 30 (5 kids!!) years and they still take weekend getaways and LOVE their time alone. They watch tv together and interact lovingly. It doesn't really matter what anyone here on Yahoo answers thinks, including me. But you need to ask yourself if YOU are truly happy with the way things are. If it's okay with you and you're "content" with the situation then that's all that should matter. Did you ever think about where your marriage is gonna be down the line when Jr. moves out? Then it will only be you and your husband. So then what do you do?

Answer 4

I had the same thing...one successful child, all the bills paid, very organized home, and it was me who slept on the couch for two years.
It's a marriage, and not entirely a bad one.
I don't know if anybody successfully keeps a marriage steamy longer than 20 years, I've certainly never seen it, certainly not continuously.
You can initiate a little romance, (not necessarily sex!) but attention, surprise him by buying his favorite girl scout cookies out of season, for example...that may sound silly, but the point is to show that you can still do small but important things to show you care. Leave a few such presents lying around. It's a way to throw a little kindling on those hot embers and perhaps get a fire going again...
My point is that I wouldn't just give up. There's so much to lose, and the grass on the other side of the fence could be all crabgrass once examined closely.

Answer 5

This is very common and you must find ways together to act like a couple again, or when the kids leave you will find yourself even more lonely. He needs to be motivated to be engaged with you. I suggest taking classes together to stimulate new hobbies, interests and widen the social circle. You may have a thirst for something, but maybe he's more solitary by choice and nature. What was it like when you dated? Even so, he's matured and so have you. You need to "work" at this and get some results showing or you both will find yourselves drifting apart more and more.

Answer 6

Sounds very normal to me. After years of being together, people tend to take each other for granted, as if they are just another part of themselves. Everyone goes through phases of this.

It is up to you to put some life back into your marriage. Plan a get away for just you and your hubby, even if it is just a night or two in a hotel. Go to dinner, and buy some nice lingerie, and get him away from the televison. You just need a bit of a revival every now and then. You life actually sounds very nice compared to many others I know. At least he is doing his share, and not sitting in bars all evening.

Answer 7

Both. It sounds as though you need some changes. If that's true, you need to let him know. You may need some professional assistance in making those changes when this has been going on so long.

Answer 8

You already know. Ditto here. You have to get time alone. What will happen when the child leaves the nest?

This much more prevalent in N.A. than Europe.

Answer 9

It's what you are CHOOSING to make it. Change yourself if you don't like how things are.