Husband cheating on me in Iraq with another female solider.?

Question

I came across my husbands email and phone account because we got charged twice and I called the company to get it worked out and they reffered me to the account online. I have come to find that my husband has been calling and emailing a woman who is also in Iraq and who used to be stationed with him. In one of the emails he mentions missing hearing her scream his name. I am in utter shock, disbelief, heart broken right now. I have not talked to my husband in days because they have supposedly been on blackout. I was able to view his call logs as well and he calls the other woman way more than he even calls me. I can't wait till he calls so that I can let him know that I know. What is the best way to go about dealing with this? He's already been home on randr and I would have never in my life thought he would cheat on me or has. I came across this all on accident. Im feeling so lost right now. Obviously we need to get a divorce because my trust for him is broken.

Someone please help me. Im so lost.

Answer 1

Bless your heart! I am so sorry you had to deal with that!

Just so you know I felt the exact same feeling reading your post as I felt when I found that my husband's ex--the woman I know he still carried a flame for years into our relationship, the girl I thought he had finally gotten over...sent him an e-mail and told him that she was still in love with him and he responded saying that he cared her but "circumstances" were bad...I took myself and out marriage to be the "circumstances" ...

My stomach and throat have never returned to the fully upright and locked position.

So, let me just say something that will knock your socks off right off the bat. You don't have to divorce him. Relationships can survive infidelity. I know, I know...my husband didn't sleep with her but I have had friends who have pulled through marriages where this has happened so it can be done. Just don't assume that (divorces) is what you have to do...what you have to do is what feels right for you right now (within reason--I would say cheating on him is not a good remedy)...

Believe it or not trust CAN be rebuilt and you two can move past this if that is something you want to consider...

The reason I say this is to give you back some of your power. The ball is in your court, not his. You have everything on your side. You know about it and he doesn't know that you know...you have a choice to forgive or not forgive, you have a choice as to how you would lke to deal with it....This is all you.

Ok, so I am going to break from tradition a bit here. I usually give advice like "Follow your gut..." or "Do what is right for you...." but I will tell you what I did when I found the e-mail from the ex.

My husband was living out of town on an internship for 12 weeks. I found the e-mail when he asked me to get some information from his e-mail acct and I logged into the wrong one on accident (he has like 5 and they are all similar--he couldn't make up his mind and I get confused)....

I was in shock. I didn't take his calls that day, I cried on the phone to my best friend and when the tears had dried up, I went straight to one of those cheap divorce atty people (they give you the paperwork for free and they file for you for like 500.00) and I filled out the papers...

I put little sticky "sign here" tabs where he was to sign and highlighted the places he needed to fill out. I printed a copy of the e-mail and stapled it to the the divorce papers. I wrote a note and told him that if he wanted to be with her he just needed to sign on the dotted line and he was free to go... but if he wanted to stay married to me then he was going to need to cut off all communication with her and never EVER sneak behind my back to do anything like that EVER again.

See, they found eachother on myspace and I told him that they could chat as friends and exchange birthday cards or whatever because she was in a bad way, she was horribly abused by her husband...but he needed to tell me when they corresponded...that's it...

Well, he flew into town to try and give me some dramatic apology but I wasn't there and neither was my stuff. I was long gone. So, there he sat in our empty apartment with our wedding pictures on the walls and the only thing hanging in the closet was my wedding dress from less than a year before...

He called me some more, then blocked her on myspace and on his cell phone. He told her to never contact him again and to this day friends and family say they have never seen him so shaken in his entire life.

Maybe your husband feels like he is in another world in Iraq....in a way, he is...but you need to bring him back down to earth.

If you are seriously about getting a divorce and ready to take that step...then send him the papers to Iraq....don't take his calls...don't e-mail him...just a note and an ultimatum (and maybe a wedding photo just to drive the knife in deeper).

While the papers are in transit and he is making up his mind, get while the getting is good and move on as if you are getting a divorce and if he comes back and wants to work things out with you then great! (If you want to work things out with him)...but if he decides he wants a divorce then you are already a step ahead because you have already taken the steps to move on before he even knew that you were moving on....

I really wish you all the best, I am sorry this happened.

Answer 2

wow, that is really terrible, I am so sorry for you and that after all your time worrying about him being involved in the war you find this.

I think you are very brave and commend you for holding it together.

My suggestion would be to not mention the details, just that you know about "so and so" and that he has been having a relationship with her. He will ask what you are talking about as an automatic defense.

Let him know that you trusted him, you loved him, and you never expected this. Tell him you have lost your trust and that you need to figure out what will be best for you and the kids.

If you need to, hang up at that point. You don't want it to get into details or harsh talk as it will only upset you. Stay strong, let him know how you feel.

If there is any chance for you to reconcile it will take a lot of work on his part. I hope something can be done for you but I know how hard this is. I was cheated on and found out in a similar way as you have. It was by accident and it completely dissolved my world in seconds.

My prayers will include a place for you tonight. Best wishes

Answer 3

I so know all the feelings you are going through. It really hurts so bad when you find out you have been betrayed. You want to leave him and at the same time you love him for what ever reason. Adultery is the one reason acceptable to God for divorce, so you are covered there. I would suggest marriage counseling for you. Go your self. Grief counsel ling too for the broken trust which has caused a broken heart.
But be forewarned, he may try to deny the whole thing and tell you it's all your imagination, totally innocent, you are just being insecure. BS. He may own up to it and try to blame it on you or on the war. BS again. It will not be easy what ever you decide to do. There is life after divorce. I hope the best for you.

Answer 4

I really for you, and I think you need to discuss it with him and hear what he has to say. However, any talk of divorce should wait until you are together in person. You wouldn't marry someone over the phone - you shouldn't divorce them that way, either.

That being said, please do talk to someone who will not take sides but will help you sort through the feelings.

Revenge might seem like a good idea, but it's not. He did a bad thing, yes, but this is a man that you once loved enough to commit your life to him. Don't court martial him or ruin his reputation with friends and family - it isn't fair, especially since you don't know first hand exactly what he's been forced to endure over there. As I'm sure you know, civilian marriages aren't quite the same as military ones.

Good luck to you.

Answer 5

First of all, calm down. It seems like a clear cut case, but I suggest start by listening to his side of the story. Let him know that you had a problem with the phone and that you are surprised that there are a lot of calls to a number in Iraq. There maybe a sensible explanation (I can't think of one, but don't rush into decisions you may regret) for this. If after doing that you are still sure he is lying to you, let him know where you stand and that he has lost your trust.

As someone said, if you don't feel you can handle the situation, hung up. Turn to someone you can trust and that is not going to take sides (his or yours) to support you while you do this. And don't lose sight that what is important is for you to solve this situation, not get lost in the problem. If the solution is divorce or not only you will know, but don't jump into conclusions without examining yourself, the situation and having a support network. Don't make the process harder than it already is.

And feel proud of yourself for being brave enough to tackle this. You sure sound like a good woman being put in a difficult situation.

Answer 6

I am so sorry. That street just goes two ways don't it. For all you know, she may have a husband who is in the same place right now.
Ending a marriage over the phone is going to be very hard. But, I do not blame you for wanting out. How can a marriage make it without trust? Maybe you should e-mail her or give her a call and let her know she has broken up your marriage.
Being an ex-army wife, I know they can be in deep trouble for this. Just a thought for you to kick around.

Answer 7

I agree with what most people have said, but I do want to say that getting him court martialed sounds rather vicious, and too much punishment for the crime. Things are going to be tough enough without destroying his job, possibly his career, which could hurt your child support if the two of you end up getting a divorce. No job=no child support.

Answer 8

As much as I hate unfatefulness in a marrage I must say a "Dear John" is not a good thing for now. Not just his life but others in the same outfit will be affected by it. Stay strong, knowing you are saving others lives and dont dwell on this too long. Stay busy and wait. When the time comes and you meet again, then will be the deciding factor. Will you hold strong and accept the conferentation or fold and give in? People do krazy things in the name of "LOVE". where will you stand?

Answer 9

Young married lady,
PLEASE do not talk with him about this even though you believe it is the best thing to do right now. I think that you would prefer for him to safely return so that you could fac e him and discuss it wouldn't you? Such a thing might make him react in a manner that might cause him to react in a manner that would cause harm to himself or others that he is stationed with and we do NOT want them to be harmed in the process, DO WE?? I have been faithful to my wife for over 32 years and I will until death. This is the word of a Christian who is married to a Christian. We are high school sweethearts and shall remain so. I love my family as you also must. I hope that things work out but if they don't then you should turn the phone records over to a lawyer as soon as he return from Iraq and proceed from there. I wish you well and would be glad to study the Bible with you at any time.
Thanks,
Eds

EDIT...
I will pray for you also.
.

Answer 10

Dont make a move till you can clear up things with him personally. He may have done that because the nature of his job is a bit hard and he may have missed home, a lot of reasons behind. Discuss with him when he comes home what you found and try to settle things as calm as possible. Listen to what he says then compromise. If you definitely want a divorse then its up to you just end up everything in a more professional and calm way.

Answer 11

hello mrs married you have lost all of your trust in him and it would probably be best to give him a divorce because he has been doing her for some time but you havent known anything about it until now the best thing to doe is to do the divorce and move on