To be or not to be?

Question

My fiance and I have a great relationship. There is an age difference, but that doesn't affect the quality of our relationship, other than this issue.
When we got engaged 3 1/2 years ago, I agreed that I didn't want anymore children. He has 3 grown children and I have a now 8 year old (I had her when I was 18). It seemed to make sense, at the time.
But then my sister had a baby, my best friend had a baby, his daughter had a baby, I babysit babies every so often, etc.
And now, I want a baby.
I've told him directly that I want a baby. That's the end of the conversation. He has no response.
I recently got a IUD and it was expensive (but more convenient then Depo)
So I don't know what to do. Do I have the UID taken out and tell him that if he doesn't want a baby, he should do something about it?
Do I stick with a 3 1/2 agreement to not have any more kids when he still hasn't married me? And grow old with only one child and admire the babies around me?
Thanks!

Oh - we live very comfortably, so it's not like we can't afford another child.

Answer 1

You made an agreement with him. Don't think that he will change his mind. I was told that I could not have any more children. I got pregnant 2 weeks before we were to get married. I have spent the last 19 years raising my son with no help whatsoever. He ask me to have an abortion. I refused and he left town to avoid the responsibility. I have not seen or heard from him since then. My son has not and will never know the man I loved so much at the time.

If you really want to have a child, it is best you leave him and find someone that will want and love a child as you can. I truly hated to have to tell you this story, because it breaks my heart everytime I look at my handsome son, but it is true and you needed to know what can happen.

Good luck with your decision.

Answer 2

You two had an agreement. Do you want to be in a relationship where agreements don't count? What if he asked you to have another baby, but you didn't want to? Wouldn't you be upset and not have much to say because you thought you had an agreement?

With that being said, you have to figure out what is really important to you. Do you want more children so much that you would be willing to end your relationship with someone over it? If so, then it sounds like you are in the wrong relationship.

I would suggest couples counseling.

The fact that you're not married yet is a separate issue. What were the terms of your engagement? Did you ever set a date? Some people say that engagements aren't "official" from a guy unless there is a ring and a date.

Good luck to you. You may want to take some time and reconsider what you want out of this relationship and your life in general. Don't settle. But also don't make agreements until you have thought them through. Then you have to stick with your promises.

Answer 3

This thought came to me as I read all of these responses. They are all very good and tell you that it is your choice and that the two of you should be honest and really talk about your feelings on this subject.

As an alternative, perhaps he is feeling a bit old to change diapers again and go through all he has gone through with the other small children as they grew up.

Have you considered adoption of an older child? You mentioned that you are in a good financial situation and could afford it. It would also give you a chance to make a difference in the life of a child that never had a proper family. You would be able to help someone less fortunate make something of themselves in a loving home.

Just a thought! Best wishes to you all

Answer 4

You are still very young, and if you believe that this is a subject that you two cannot agree on, then it is best to be honest about it--for both of you.
In the end, you will end up holding it against him, blaming him for depriving you of the joy of another child. And you should be able to enjoy another child. My God, you were only a child when you had one--so I know if you're a good parent now, you will only be a great parent as a more mature, confident woman.
Don't settle. Find someone who wants the same things--including babies

Answer 5

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Answer 6

Let's look at this the other way. Suppose he wanted a baby and you didn't. He tells you he's had a vasectomy and you believe him; then, one day, whoops, you're pregnant.

You were an idiot to live with a man that you wanted to marry for 3 1/2 years. The man is not your "fiance", he is your lover and you may be his mistress (if he's paying for everything, you are.).

All that said, yes, you can tell him to get "fixed" but I'd keep the IUD until you know if you're staying under the circumstances. He might tell you to go or you might decide that you Absolutely want another child. It would be criminal to get him to be the sperm donor.

Answer 7

That's where the age difference comes into play, really as much as you would like to kid yourself and pretend it doesn't affect your relationship. Due to the age difference, you had different outlooks on life. He already raised 3 children, and he honestly thinks he's given his contribution to this world. You on the other hand, are still young and your biological clock has started ticking. However, you seem contempt with your relationship so, stick to your 3 1/2 ago agreement or find someone your age who has the same hopes and expectations in life.

Answer 8

this is a tricky one and truly only YOU know what the best answer is for this situation b/c you are living it.

being that you are only 26 (i'm guessing-hope i'm right) you still have plenty of time to have another child. pregnancies aren't considered high risk or dangerous until after age 35.

the question you need to ask yourself is what is most important to you-having another child or living the rest of your life with the man you have chosen to be with (who no longer wants anymore children)?

you really need to get his thoughts on this. tell him that it's now becoming something you very much want in your life and it is important for you to receive his feedback. if he is dead set on not having another child (being that he's raised 3-which was not easy i'm sure-i have 3 of my own), then you need to really decide whether this is a decision you can live with for the rest of your life.

there is going to come a time when it is no longer safe or logical for you to have more children and if you can't bear to go through life with just one child then you need to make the changes in your life to fullfill your wants and dreams

good luck to you whatever you decide!!

Answer 9

Agreements are made to be broken. No agreement is forever nowadays, not even marriage. People are free to break that too.

Tell your man that you've changed your mind and now you want to have a baby. And it's up to him to respond to you. And if he doesn't respond to you in a reasonable way, then do you really want to marry this guy?

The least he can say is that he doesn't agree and explain his reasons to you. But if he keeps silent and doesn't respond to you in any way, then I'd say stay away from him. He is not a nice guy. Find another man.

Answer 10

Even though alot of men make great dads, they don't usually
want alot of kids.
Alot of people in our family have recently had babies, and it
really made me feel like I wanted one. I don't have any kids.
I love kids, but I'm getting older and even though I want them,
I think my time has come and gone. Be thankful for the
children you do have, and remember there will be grand
children in the future.