My bofriend blocks the door and will not allow me to leave, is this a form of controlling/abusive behavior?

Question

HER: We are here because my boyfriend and I are having a discussion about what I deem unacceptable behavior. When fighting my boyfriend has done the following: held me down, gotten on top of me, held my wrists, blocked the door and told me I am not allowed to leave until I listen to him, look at him,etc. All if he feels I am not listening.This is a great concern to me. I am trying to explain that this is intimidating and aggressive behavior. I am 5'4" and he is a 6'. HIM:I was taught growing up that you should NEVER leave a situation angry. Being that we were having a fight that was unresolved, I thought to myself, "I want to fix this-I don't want her to leave the house angry. What if something happened? How would I feel if she were in an accident?" My reaction was to try and keep her there until things were resolved-so when she was trying to abandon the situation,I tried to hold her down so we could get this resolved. I know this sounds bad but I would NEVER hurt her! I love her

Answer 1

I am glad to see you are both open to this response and have ask the question together. This shows us that you have a very open relationship and great communating skills between each other.

You are both right and you are both wrong. First off, he is right in the light that you should never leave a situation made. Talking out the problem even if you are still upset afterward is what keeps a relationship going. You are both still allowed to be upset after talking, but get your feelings out. Stay on the topic of the arguement and do not stray off and start fighting about other things.

You sir are wrong about holding her down. That is a form of abuse and can be very SCARY for someone. I see that you say you would never hurt her and I am sure that is true, however in the moment of anger sometime people don't realize how strong they are. (There was a mother once you went to spank her child for coloring on the wall and he steped out of her way and she hit the wall and broke three fingers. She had spanked him several times and had never hit very hard, so she had thought. In the moment of anger, strength can triple three times the amount of thought)

When arguring you both need to sit down across the wrong from each other and make a pack that neither will leave until the topic is discussed. Do not touch each other, throw things, etc. This will keep both of you happy. You will be threated by strength and you sir will not have her walking out on the fight.

Good luck to the both of you! You two for what I can read have a strong relationship. Especially if you are posting a question on here where who know what kind of rude answers you may get. Take care of each other and I have one more thought for you. Right out the rules for fighting I know this sounds strange, but when you do fight follow them. No hitting, no leaving, no changing the topic on fighting and agree to the rules. This will help your relationship even if it does sound crazy.

Again, Good luck and I hope I helped.
~Cheryl~

Answer 2

this is abuse and you have no right what so ever to hold her down. think about how it must make her feel, surely youknow that it is wrong come on. and she is so much smaller than you so you are definately intimidating her aswell. you should let her go for a walk or whatever as she needs to calm down whilst you do the same nothing will be resolved if you force her to stay and listen to you by holding her down.....i suggest you both give each other at least an hour to both cool off then like adults if you can meet and talk in a civil manner.,.... and never ever hold her down again she is not a prisoner under arrest.

Answer 3

I think you and your boyfriend should work out a different way of resolving conflict. I understand not wanting to leave angry, but if my husband did the things your boyfriend has done to you, I would be extremely upset! Just reading about it makes me feel a little uneasy. You boyfriend might not ever cross the line, but unfortunately there are many men who use use controlling behavior and escalate to worse violence. This is only step one and many of those abusive men loved their partners too (not saying that you, the boyfriend, would escalate, but it happens like this sometimes).

You, the boyfriend, may think this is reasonable, but to a woman who is much smaller than you, this IS intimidating behavior and you should both perhaps seek couples counseling if you have problems settling your disagreements.

Answer 4

There are better ways of handling this situation. Pinning someone down and blocking the door doesn't help much. And doesn't justify any of those actions. It's understandable that you wanna resolve things and not leave angry...my bf is like that but handle it better. Both of you need to just take a second...BREATHE...and talk about the problem and get over it cuz you know you will!!

Answer 5

t(#1 If you love him your going to stay with him no matter what)
t(#2 If you dont love him sky high your going to eventaly leave)
a(4#1 That means you will try to make things better you will trust that he loves you far to much to ever reall hurt you he probably just wants your attention and maybe you should give him a chance and try to listen. Or you could sit him down one day and tel him that he scares you when he blockes the doors and holds you down. You see he probably loves you a lot and does not want you two to fight so he tries to make thing better so you two won't be mad at each other.
a(4#2 He is just to much to handle and you do not like being treated like so and you will eventually just leave that means you dont care enough about him to sit and talk with him so why even bother asking us ?. But you have to love him since your looking 4 advice so go with answer # 1 you'll both be very happy in the end !!! God Bless you 2!!! ;) wink!!

Answer 6

It is never acceptable to physically restrain an adult from leaving a situation they wish to leave, even if you think you have the best of reasons. Its illegal for you to fail to allow someone to leave when they try to. It's called imprisonment. You don't own her and you don't get to decide when she's going to go and when she's going to stay. Different people have different ways of dealing with anger and arguments. Some people need to walk away for a while and cool down, or figure out what they want to say, or just think about things. Just because you want to talk it through doesn't mean you have the right to inflict what you want on someone else. And your behavior is just making her want to get even farther away from you. You're making her feel worse so you can feel better. And that's a horrible thing to do to someone you say you love.

Answer 7

Theres a thin line between what he doing and abuse. In the heat of an argument, if you want to leave explain to him that you need time to yourself so you can think things over. And he needs to respect that. And the male should understand that some people handle situations different. Its sometime needed to leave the situation for a minute then come back so nobody gets there feelings hurt and nobody gets physically hurt. Hope that helps!!! Good Luck!!

Answer 8

Keep you hands off of her like that you big lug. NO NO NO unacceptable!!!!!

Maybe you should think of it in the reverse, if she was 6 ft and you 5'4 and you wanted to leave and she jumped on you and held you down. You wouldn't like it at all. But then you already know what you did is wrong. So stop doing it. From now on only touch her in a loving way or not at all.

Answer 9

I think your boyfriend should let you go and cool off instead of hold you back. If he has something to say then maybe he can say it while you're walking out the door? Holding your wrists and such isn't such a good idea. I went through this for more than 11 years with my ex. It would have been so much better if he actually would have hugged me and told me he loved me all those disagreeable times.

Answer 10

Boy have I been here many times...while you both make valid points...and I tend to do the same things as your boyfriend...he needs to respect the fact that it scares you...it took me a while to see it myself. Try to come to some sort of agreement that while fighting no one leaves until it's resolved...and you both sit equal distance from the door so you don't feel trapped and he doesn't feel like you're going to run out. That's just my opinion...good luck guys