My husband is still in love with his fiance who died 6 months before we dated. What should I do?

Question

I know he loves me, but I can't help but feel jealous. We have been married for almost 3 years. I keep wondering if I was just a "rebound"....I thought we had put it all behind us until recently when he got drunk (which almost NEVER happens) and he couldn't stop talking about her....it has brought all the feelings back up again, all the uncertainty. I have suggested councilling but he doesn't think it is necessary. I don't like feeling like I was the alternative. I love him dearly, but I hate feeling this way. What should I do?

Answer 1

Men really know how to hold things inside don't they! It is very common for men to hook up or marry after they lose someone close.
My grandfather, who has passed, use to talk of his first wife very fondly. She died giving birth to their 4th child. And it pretty much destroyed him back then. He remarried. Divorced. And then married my grandmother.
Had she lived, there is no doubt, they really would have spent their lives together. He was robbed of her, that is what he believed. And he never forgot her.
But, he did carry on. And he spent 53 years with my grandma. He had more children. He loved my grandma. Stayed with her till the end of her life.
My point is, he may never forget her. But, that does not mean you cannot have something even more meaningful to him. His happiness is with you now. When he wants to speak of her, be a good listener. Because he is sharing his history of her with you. That is where your friendship with your husband comes in handy. She is gone. She is not coming back. Try not to be jealous. Your married to him now.

Answer 2

You don't need to feel like the alternate because you aren't. You are the now! His fiance died, he loved her and he was going to marry her. If she hadn't died, there wouldn't be a you in the sitution. I am sure this is very hard on you, but remember he loved her, she was his life. That though doesn't mean that you are his life and that he does't love you. Try and remember that they didn't break up, they didn't have a fight, she isn't a phone call away. She is dead. He lost a loved one. Have you ever lost a love one? If so you probably talk about them, share you feelings, the good times you have had. No one thinks anything of it, because it was a fiance, the truth though it isn't any different. Be glad your husband can talk about her and his love for her. It shows that he is kind, loving and full hearted man.

I can see why he feels counciling isn't necessary for the both of you. Maybe you should see some one about the way it makes you feel. Talk it out, come to terms with that fact you are the now, the wife, etc! He doesn't need to lock up his lover for her. If he did, it wouldn't be healthy for your own relationship.

I again will say I am sure it hard and you are strong women for being able to date someone who lost someone they loved only 6 months later. Also if you were the rebound, then honey he wouldn't have married you. Rebounds get thrown out with trash, you my friend have a ring on your finger.

Embrase you husband and support his feelings and you love for him. Let me heal. It may take many hears.

Good luck & Best wishes to the both of you.

Answer 3

It is times like this when you need to really listen to and console your husband the most. If you are really sure that he loves you, then you should trust in that feeling and never let doubt consume you. My mothers friends's wife passed away almost a year and a half ago, and even though he is in a happy relationship with someone else, he still thinks and talks about his first wife. But that has not changed his love for the woman that he is with now. Yes, it can be hard to hear the man you love talk about the relationships he had before you, but remember that she is no longer in the living world and anyone who suffers such a loss will feel that pain for the rest of their lives, even when it seems they have put everything in the past. So just take a moment, breathe in, and remember that he is with you now and that he needs you to be his support beam in his time of need. You may not be able to say anything, but if he truly loves you then all he will expect from you is that you stay by his side and tell him how much you love him and that you are there for him no matter what.

I hope this advice helped you. I may not have been in a relationship before, but I hope my knowledge of others was of help and brought you some comfort.

Answer 4

I think he's still trying to deal with his loss. How devastated would you be if it happened to you? Imagine if your husband died, you would still love him even after moving on and loving someone else, it wouldn't make the pain stop, and it wouldn't make the love for the new person less, just different. Be a little understanding, he probably has a lot of feelings he's trying to keep inside for your sake, and they just came pouring out with the help of the alcohol. He's probably feeling ashamed that he let you see him like that. Maybe he just needed a good cry so to speak, to let it out. There's no reason to be jealous though, she can't come back and steal him away. You're not the alternative, you're the second chance at love.

Answer 5

There is no need to feel competitive or threatened -- you are alive and she is dead. Of course he still loves her -- he is not IN love with her because she is no longer a person -- only a memory for him. Is he supposed to be alone and stop living until he forgets she existed and decides he never loved her? He went forward, kept on living, and experiencing life. He is IN love with you -- but his past is still a part of him and always will be.

Please don't be upset! There is no need to be. If you died, and your husband re-married later on, would you want him to forget you completely and deny what an important part of his life you were? Of course not! He's human. Things aren't always easy and don't turn out like the fairytales we are fed as kids.

He will always love his fiance who died. It isn't the same as a break-up (where you no longer want to be with the person). I know a widower who's wife had been dead for over 20 years -- he still loves her and sometimes grieves her loss even though he has a companion. People die, but the love we have for them doesn't. We keep on living, and your husband is choosing life with you.

There is nothing to do about it... you are feeling like he cheated on you... the girl is dead. He loved her and she died. What is there to get counselling about -- is a psychiatrist going to convince him that he never loved the fiance, or that her death wasn't a tragedy for him?

If anything, this should make you realize that "tommorrow" isn't promised to any of us -- so make the most of the NOW and just keep enjoying your marriage, and accept that this part of the past will always be with him (and you wouldn't be with him if this tragedy hadn't happened).

Answer 6

He will always miss and think about the girl, that was his fiance that died.
If you was a rebound girl, you wouldn't have lasted 3 years in marriage. He needs a shoulder to cry on once in awhile. I know how painful it must be for you. It makes you wonder. But you are here and she is not.
I lost a daughter to cancer in 1990. When I hear people talk about their daughters, and esp. if they are the same age my daughter would be, it makes me sad, FOR ME. I wonder what life would have been, if she had lived.
When I talk about my daughter, I can see the look in peoples faces, of Oh, Here we go again, Not always, but some people.
Your husband probably feels the same way. So he keeps it inside. He got drunk and it came flooding out. Lend him your shoulder and let him cry, talk about her.
I wish I could help more. I feel for you and your husband.

~faith

Answer 7

IF YOU TRULY LOVE HIM, YOU NEED TO BE EMPATHETIC TO HIS PAIN. Get some maturity here. He lost someone dear to him~~she did not just walk away. Also, you knew it had been only 6 months before you two met? Did you not think that he would have 'moments' for remorse for a great while. Well, if you have ever lost a loved one, you should know that it takes years to get past it.

ME, ME, MY FEELINGS:: WHAT ABOUT HIM! HE HURTS AND IMAGINE THAT YOU ARE TRYING TO PULL ATTENTION AWAY FROM THAT AND HAVE HIM CONCENTRATE ON YOU? NO, YOU NEED ONLY 'BE' THERE FOR HIM AND THAT IS LOVING HIM MY LITTLE SISTER!

YOU CAN HELP FEELING JEALOUS, JUST STOP! FEEL SOMETHING FOR HIM, INSTEAD OF YOURSELF FOR A CHANGE. TO LOVE SOMEONE, YOU WANT THE BEST FOR THEM....SO BE THE BEST THING HE HAS EVER HAD IN HIS LIFE, BE HIS FRIEND, NOT A JEALOUS, NAGGING, WIFE. Um, you are his BEST FRIEND? Right?

Now, if you still cannot put him first, you need the counseling, not him. Good Luck.

Answer 8

It may be that he just hasn't finished mourning for her. It's awfully easy to idealize someone who has passed on. They're not around to remind you of their faults, and we all tend to remember the good more than the bad. Try this, for 6 months, let him talk about her all he wants. Ask him questions about her even. One really important part of grieving is talking about it. You can even put it in hypotheticals; how did you feel when someone you were close to passed away? what do you miss most about that relationship? what did you learn about death from that experience? If you allow him to grieve, and ignore that voice that is the jealous part of you, maybe you will even get closer. If, at the end of 6 months you don't think you two have been able to resolve it, insist that you get counseling. Being part of his grief process may bring you even closer together. best of luck.

Answer 9

If you were a rebound he would have rebounded you a long time ago. I don't believe that he thinks of you that way besides I think that you should give him time now to get over for what you didn't do earlier you must do now.
Love him and support him all the way and I promise you he would never forget that you were there at his side.

Answer 10

Wow...what a tremendously difficult situation to be in. You simply need to first take care of you. It is understandable that you would be jealous of your lover still loving someone else...even if she is departed. But jealousy is very unhealthy and rarely accomplishes anything. Losing a lover is hard...just remember how you've felt when someone has broken up with you. Someone he loved very much passed away and he is going to have to mourn that loss. Some people takes years to mourn things. It took me over 2 years to mourn the loss of my fiance and he did not die. Right now, you need to take care of yourself and do your best to kick this jealousy. Listen to him when he needs you to, but have someone else you can speak with when you need to just vent your frustrations. It sounds like he needs some counseling, but if he is not willing to get it, perhaps you need to get into some counseling just to help you get through this time and also it might help you learn more about what he is going through. When this is done and he realizes that you have seen him through it, he will most likely love you all the more for your strong support.