WOMEN ONLY PLEASE: Why do women have affairs?

Question

I just seperated from a woman that I have been with for more than a year. But, I have known her for more than 3 years now. 6 Months ago she told me she was married but we would always be together either on the phone or physically. So I never questioned if she was or not.

Her husband found out about me because her phone rang and I picked up the phone a few months back. He didn't say anything to me, he wasn't upset nor shocked. But, now he is trying to win her back.

She told me the scary thing about their marriage is that she just stopped loving him and she doesn't know the reason why. It just stopped! Luckily there are no kids involved and they have been married for 3 years. She stopped loving him a year after that but they have known each other for so many years.

before all this, I send her flowers every week, write her letters, and talk to her about anything. But, now she needed some time to think and I decided to back away for a very long time!

She is not the typical woman who would have an affair. She is very old fashion, very conservative! I'm 31 years old, a Database Engineer, who's never been in type of situation before.

I guess my question is why do women have affairs? She was pretty blatant about it with him and does not even hide it. Now she needs time and of course I decided to just back off and say good bye. What could she be thinking at this point??

We have been friends for 3 years and been close. i guess not close enough really. So now our friendship just went south and i fully trusted her. It was a difficult thing to do but, I had to leave.

She hid her marriage from everyone, co-workers and friends.

I also questioned if it was an ARRANGED marriage as well.

Answer 1

She hid her marriage from everyone? From you too??? She needs some time to think? Is she confused about whether to stay in her marriage or with you? If so, then she still must have SOME need for her husband. So, that leaves you as the guy she had an affair with. One of the basic needs for a woman is that affectionate/emotional connection. You've GOT to have that interest in us and that obvious desire for us. When that's gone it leaves a WIIIIIDE door open for someone else to walk through. Now, if the other areas in the marriage were well taken care of (Provision, security) then there would be no need to "fix" them and makes it hard to completely leave the marriage alltogether. BUT, if the person who was "fixing" the emotional/affectionate connection proved and promised to cover ALL said areas and was very persuasive at doing so, he could probably convince her to divorce her husband. It's kinda' like Frankenstein; getting all your necessities met from different places to achieve one big goal: "happiness". I personally never had an extra-marital affair, but I can speak as a woman. I hope things work out for you. Let me know how it goes. Take care!

Answer 2

Well, I don't know about why other women have affairs. I think, reaching out for the forbidden fruit can be thrilling, for one. Also, different people make you feel a different way - some people are more rational, others more passionate. I have a very rational husband, he is exactly the type of guy I've always dreamed of to be married to - but I'll be honest, I miss the passion sometimes. If anything would cause a lapse of judgement for me, it would be this desire to experience something I don't experience on the daily basis. The thing is, I wouldn't want to experience it on a daily basis; I'm happy with how things are. However, I'm sure that many women (and men) who cheat do so because they are NOT happy with how things are in their daily life, but they for whatever reason they choose not to leave their partner. I don't know, everyone's got different reasons I suppose.

Answer 3

so you knew her before she got married? (knew her over 3 yrs and shes been married 3) how did you never know this? If you all talked about everything, I imagine this wouldve been one of those things. ok...now that Ive put that out there --the reason she gave you for cheating is not just a woman reason. Men and women alike use this reason often, and Im not sure if I believe it since its never happened to me. When I cheated in the past it was out of boredom, spite, and attention. I also never hid when I cheated. I wasnt married and didnt take the relationships seriously. Being married should change that completely since its the most serious commitment you can make to a person. (sadly this isnt the case for many, I know) Everyone has their own reasons/justifications for doing this so I dont think you'll find one solid answer to "why women have affairs" or why anyone goes out of wedlock for that matter.

Answer 4

That's a really complicated answer. I think sometimes the temptation is in front of them and they aren' strong enough to resist, or as others have said, they are bored at home. I would hope that affairs happen because there is something lacking or amiss in the marriage, but it could also be selfishness or lack of respect for the other person.

So you didn't believe that she was married, and she hid it from others? I wonder if she's got self esteem issues, and wants to still be considered available so that she can try to garner attention from other men?

Either way, she needs to be fair to both of you by ending one of the relationships completely before going on with the other. Her first obligation is to her marriage.

Also, try to keep in mind that perhaps this woman has fidelity and commitment issues. If she were in a 'monogamous' relationship with, and another temptation presented itself, would she cheat on you?

Answer 5

I have seen both have afairs because it's a challege to have someone elses man/women. Then I've seen those who believe that someone else would treat them better or they'd have a better life with them. Then there are the women who want change from a man.(Which we can not do) Then there are the women who find it impossible for the men to be real good friends with them because they never were b4 so who should he start now? That is why I think it is so important to be friends first 1. You can have fun together, be silly. 2. You can talk on a deeper level 3. Then you know that the relationship is respected and that they respect you.
Does she hope to get her husband jealous? Is she planning on continuing her marriage? I really could'nt tell ya.

Answer 6

Women like men have needs and wants. Some people reach for the forbidden apple and some people do not. When a need such as affection is not being met and along comes coworker "dave" and promises to treat you like a queen for the rest of your life some people "not all" will jump to that ship. However in about 6 months to three years that ship will start to develop some leaks and another ship will look better. Finally people learn that happiness is something within and don't lean so much on a partner for it.

Answer 7

You are probably searching for a deeper answer, but the answer is very simple - you were dating the woman, who was not available. You can never build a relationship with someone, who is unavailable. Even that she said to you that she did not love him, she was still in that relationship. Good that you backed away. She has to sort out her life and you just need to date single girls. I can't tell you about all women, but some women think that affairs can solve their love life problems, which never does, and does quiet the opposite- complicates and hurts everyone around them. there you go

Answer 8

well, from the sounds of it, by her husband not being suprised, he was probly cheating on her too. Also, women tend to think that they need a back up. She probly knew he was cheating on her, and instead of bringing it up to him, she decided tha she needed someone when she was going to leave. She probly realized what a nice guy you were and didn't want you to be just a fall-back (hints the: "time to think") That is my view of the story but I don't understand why you stayed with her after you found out she was married. The "affair" game is not fun nor easy. and if she cheated on him, she could have cheated on you to. Especially if your relationship had gone any furthure.

Answer 9

Women have affairs because they aren't getting what they need from their man. I had an affair on my first husband because he was boring, and never there for me and very selffish, only cared about what he wanted and needed.
You stop loving your spouse also because you aren't getting what you need. Sounds like that is what she is going through. I would stay away until she decides to divorce him and be with you, don't be her mistress on the side unless you want to get hurt.

Answer 10

Do you really think only women have affairs ??? No be real think about your question... YOU WERE ALSO HAVING AN AFFAIR . People have affairs and I strongly think the answer to this is , lack of communication or they simply not compatable with each other and can't be honest with each other.