It is so painful to divorce?

Question

My husband cheated on me about a year ago. I forgave him coz i didnt want to hurt myself by holding a grudge. It has taken me this long to make the decision to divorce him. I guess i just don't trust him. More than that i do not feel secure in our marriage becoz he put my life at risk when he had unprotected sex with her. And he still insisted on not using a condom for our greater intimacy even after the affair. Luckily we had always used condoms becoz i was not ready for kids. I'm in my 20s. i lost some respect for him. I just cannot see this man as the father of my future kids. So i decided divorce would be best for both of us, coz he can find someone to start fresh with. And i can find the man I'm truly passionate about whom i respect, admire and love. But it's so hard! I've told him about my decision, and he broke down. He said he won't get the chance to make it up to me now. We were both crying. I feel I'm losing my best friend and my husband!

We were always the best of friends and did everything together - even after the affair I found we could still hang out and have fun. If we divorce, i know i wont have this friendship anymore. I look at our old fotos and the memories of our happy days crush me.. I wonder if we still have a chance. But i feel that if i stay with him, i'll never be complete. He has so many flaws like any one, but the bad side of the relationship deal is not worth it for me anymore. At this point I feel i wont be committed to him as i'll still long for the kinda man I really want. But it is so hard to let go, coz i thought we'd grow old together. And I feel really bad for him, coz evrything in his life seems to be falling apart. I still love him and i guess i wonder if ican respect him again if we go to counselling. But then i'd have to want it to work. I'm just scared i'll end up alone or that no1 would want me, i guess, and its hard to see a brighter future when all i feel is pain and confusion.

Answer 1

Hi
I found out 2+ months ago that my husband had slept with 16 other women during our 4 year marriage. He has been diagnosed as a sex addict and is having therapy for it. I love him so much and he is my best friend too, but you have to put yourself first. If, like you, it had been 1 affair I might be able to get past it but not 16! We are currently separating as I can't trust him. It breaks my heart every day. I know how you feel but don't make the mistake of worrying more about him that about yourself. You're young and can find someone else in the future if you want to. Look after yourself, talk to friends for support and stay positive, things happen for a reason x

Answer 2

I've been through a very similar situation, I was with my husband for 21 years (since we were 17) and of course were the best of friends. He had an affair with what I thought was one of my friends. I forgave him twice (how stupid was I!!) It is very hard to get back the trust you have for someone and I found myself constantly looking over my shoulder, is he, isn't he and it was driving me insane. I found he was still seeing this other woman and threw him out. We are now getting divorced and my life has never felt so good. I still believe to this day he would not have left me, we had all the tears, he kept telling me he didn't want to leave me and it was me he wanted to be with. I think to be honest it is the fear of the unknown on both sides.
Only you can decide if you can make a go of it with your husband but be warned it will take a long time to trust him again and you will question his every move, do you really want that kind of life?
He was my best friend as I said and truly felt like I had been sliced in half but I accept he is with someone else and I am happy being on my own at the moment and just enjoying my life. You are still so young and if you are worried you won't meet anyone else then thats just ridiculous, there is a whole world out there just waiting for you to go find it and the man who will make you happy, trust me they are out there but just don't rush into anything, enjoy being single, spend time with friends and family, I know I have and they are the best!!

Answer 3

It's a shame he didn't show that much compassion when he cheated on you. What has happened to you is classic - the truth is the minute he cheated on you he lost you. Us girls tend to leave the relationship while we are still there if that makes sense. You are still together but as each day passes, you loose a little bit of love and respect for that person until it is all gone - then we leave. Once we get to that stage, there really is no going back for us. The problem is, whilst we are making our minds up the men actually think we have forgotten about their little indiscretion and then shock horror, they can't believe we are leaving them. To them it seems out of the blue and we get the sorry's and the tears.

You are making the right decision but of course, you are going to be terribly upset. Not only are you losing the man you love but also the dreams you once shared for the future. You are young and you have plenty of time to find yourself someone who will love you for the long term - not just run off with someone else when things settle down a bit. It is impossible to trust him again and that will always be there. I know some women forgive their men for affairs but I am afraid in my view, they are always on the back foot - they have set the standard of acceptable behaviour and you usually find that their men will be at it again a couple of years down the line.

Good luck to you - it's worth the pain now for the long term gain of finding someone who will treat you with the respect that you deserve. Of course, you are right when you say that your husband has put your life at risk by sleeping with another woman - that's what many people forget but it's so true. x

Answer 4

If he cheated on you once, he will do it again.
If it`s within him to do it once, it`s not only still with him but the excitement - if you can call it that - enhances and heightens the will to keep doing it.
What exacerbates the problem is that he know he was forgiven once and will most certainly be forgiven again - so he does it again.
My first spouse did it once, although I suspected she had done it before and her doing it only condoned what I thought.
There were several occasions after that when I suspected she was still doing it with several others. And I was right.
You will always be suspicious of him, no matter what.
Dump him and start again. It`s the only way.
And good luck, hope you fare well the next time.

Answer 5

You need to allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship and the dreams with this man. Start counseling for you. After awhile you can decide if you want him to join you. The counseling may not be to reconcile the marriage but it may be for you to decide if that is what you want.

He may not get the chance to make this up to you and you may decide there is no way for him to. That is part of being a grown up and having to deal with the consequences of our actions.

You lost respect for him and he lost respect for you (otherwise he would not have had an affair). Get into counseling, regain your self-respect and then you can make a decision. Take back control of your life. Then it is all up to you :)

Answer 6

it is difficult but you have control over your own life. Right now he will probably be promising you everything that you want and need in a guy BUT think about it 10 years from now. When you have kids, once he knows he has you forever he will do it again OR you will always think he is doing something. This can turn you into a "psycho" wife and it's very unhealthy for you whether he is cheating or not. The damage has been done now you have to repair yourself by getting away from it all.

Answer 7

It's amazing how people's brains go to mush when they get into relationships/marriages.

Both of you crying...Psshh!
Weak useless actions.
This fool F'd you over and you're CRYING???

Break up with this joker and go on. There's 3.25 billion, yes I said BILLION, men on Planet Earth.
Women control the mating game. It is MUCH easier for a woman to get a man than a man to get a woman.

Enough of the sappy crap. Calcify your backbone and get out there and find someone else. Take a break from meeting folks if you gotta but put your mind on a life WITHOUT this jabroni.

Life is short and sorry to tell you there is no afterlife nor reincarnation. You got one shot and you'd better get it right.
Make your life WORK for the BETTER.

3.25 billion. Start picking.
John Lucas

Answer 8

Just be happy you don't have any children. You think it's hard now? Just thank God you don't have to fight over custody. If you stick with this guy you may have to some day. You're also right to be concerned about your health. There are many diseases out there, some fatal, that he has exposed you to. Does that sound like someone that loves you? Cut him lose. You're very young. There are many many decent and honorable men out there. And don't let his tears fool you. He's crying because he got caught. Once the trust is gone there is nothing left. Move on.

Answer 9

I guess it depends on how you feel and if he is truly sorry. If you still love him and he still loves you and you can learn to trust that he will not cheat again, you could try and stay together. You really need to evaluate what you want in life. How does he treat you? He should treat you like a Queen! With counseling you might learn to trust again. Good luck!

Answer 10

You are losing what you thought was your best friend and husband. But, if you can't trust him then don't have children and bring them into all this.

You are probably doing what is right. However, did you try counseling. Only if you want to save this, if not then you were not the one who cheated he was.

People know the risk they are taking when they cross that line. You do what you feel you have to do. Sorry.