driving a wedge between us?

Question

my husband's "mistress" (whom he left me for 6 weeks ago) randomly sends me really rude and uncalled for text messages. they almost always come COMPLETELY out of the blue. like she is trying to start something. i'm to the point where i just completely ignore her. i never even let him know i got the text message. we were trying to be friends, my STB Ex and I, and she was getting in the way of that for a while, but now we're doing good a friends again. she seems to like drama. she braggs about how much $$ he has (though he has none, he just uses credit cards) and complains whenever i ask for $$ for our daughter (waiting on court date for official child support to begin). is she just doing this to drive a wedge between us so we will fight more and NOT be friends? or is she just a bit jealous and insecure?

i just dont get stupid girls! we simply want to be friends for our daughter's sake and b/c both of us agree we can't go from 8 years together to absolutely nothing.

Answer 1

yes, she doesnt want you to be "friends" she is insecure that he may wake up one day soon and realize he made a mistake.

i wouldnt fall into the trap, just do what you have to do to get yourself past this and dont lower yourself to her level, just ignore it.

good luck!

Answer 2

Some things that she doesn't understand, yet:
1. If she stole your husband from you, some other floozy could do the same thing to her.
2. Just because she's insecure doesn't mean that other people are secure. You are getting your head on straight. She doesn't. She can't understand that. She assumes that you play the same way she does.
3. There are things you could do, or say, to blow her out of the water, but she wouldn't believe them anyway: for instance, if you said, 'look, you need to hang onto him because i don't want him back' she wouldn't believe you. Her paranoia would make her redouble her efforts.
4. At some point, there has to be something more than just making him feel good - whether that's ego stroking or 'great' sex or doing something that he didn't have the nerve to ask you for, or whatever. When that happens, her house of cards will fall down, and your X will have to grow up. You, in the meantime, will still have your daughter and eventually a man worthy of you (I am, but much too old :) )
5. She has a driving need to feel better than you - whether that's insecurity, guilt, or your X's gentle way of encouraging her to better herself, doesn't matter. What matters is that she knows that she's in a bad position and she has no clue how to make it better, for her. Or anyone else. She think she's caught something good, doesn't know she's poisoned it (or he's not really that good and truly deserves her), and is terrified he'll leave her. Yes, she wants to get pregnant, to trap your X into staying with her. Not realizing that it didn't work for you.

Hang in there. It will get better as time goes on.

Answer 3

One thing, she's insane! Two, she's insecure and jealous, for sure! Women like that (the mistresses) want the man all to themselves because they know that if they even get the man away from the wife, he's going to do the same to her. She's scared of that fact and wants to cut all ties that you have with him, "just for safe measures". What needs to be done is that he needs to tell her that there isn't anything that she can do to keep the two of you from being friends for the sake of your daughter. If he's a real friend, you need to let him know that you don't want drama but the girl keeps texting you and complaining and trying to start some mess!

Answer 4

HB,
your instincts are correct - she is driving a wedge AND she is insecure, possibly jealous. You can't change lousy people, not even for the sake of your daughter - I wouldn't be surprised if your husband already knows about the text messaging. Stop giving him credit where none is due, he's a bum. I really hope you take him for what he is worth...and then some.

Eight years is a long time kiddo - in another 8 years your daughter will be 10. Where will you be in 8 years time - you, yourself I mean with career and education? A lot has been thrown on your plate - hang in there!

Gerry

Answer 5

try your best to not feed into her bullshit....I'm not sure, but can you forward a text message from your phone to his...so he can see
better yet, if he comes over to pick up your daughter without her....I would bring it up....not defensively, but make him aware that you don't appreciate being treated this way when you haven't done anything to her
make it clear to him that you would never bad mouth him to your daughter and you in turn expect the same respect from the two of them...that's not a healthy enviroment for any child

I am friends with my ex-husband and father of my older daughter and we get into stupid little arguements sometimes, but nothing major. I had an incident where his wife said something about my daughter's living situation to me...I did not raise my voice, although I am quite sure she knew I was pissed....I just called him told him what she had said and asked him how he felt about what she said and if she had even discussed it with him prior to calling me. needless to say she had not and my daughter's arrangement remained the same, however I did ask him to make sure that she didn't do that again without speaking to him first. we never had a problem again.

I hope you guys work through this and remain good friends. She's being a ***** because she's just his girlfriend and the heffer who stole a man from his family. Not to be mean, but I am blunt....he wanted to go otherwise she would never have gotten him to leave and because of this...you are truly blessed, although you may not see that yet. You have the chance now to start your life over again and find the man for you.

Oh and God yes..she is being a stupid ***** to you because she is jealous of the mother of his child. Watch her try and get pregnant and start harassing him to marry her as soon as you guys are divorced. If you are really trying to be friends...be the calm in his storm and pray for a small miracle...that they will break up...not so that you guys can get back together, but so that you don't have to deal with her. Good luck.

Answer 6

Let me start by telling you how much I admire your attitude and perspective.I think you hit the nail right on the head. Your husbands mistress appears not only to want to drive a wedge between you and your soon to be ex,but is actually jealous of you.You are the wife(at least until your divorce is final) but she acts like she is the injured party.Her anger is a mechanism to hide her jealousy[ and believe it or not admiration] of you .My suggestion is to ask your husband to have a talk with her and have no more contact with her. Outside of that ,there is not much else you can do .Let me conclude by saying that although I don't know your husband, I sense that he has lost a most beautiful woman, lover, and friend.

Answer 7

The only reason she wants to be with him is because she likes drama. As soon as all of the drama is gone and she feels like her cruel behavior is no longer effecting you, she will lose interest and move on to another relationship and try to destroy it. There are alot of girls like that and it is easy to fall into their trap. I had the same situation except I was not married to the man. She drove me to the point of insanity for a while until I just gave up and ignored her. she got bored and moved to florida where she is now a known prostitute. Good luck

Answer 8

She isn't happy unless she is creating drama, so don't play into her hands. Let her hang herself in the end, because that is exactly what will happen. She is not only jealous but insecure about her relationship with your husband, she's afraid he will want to go back home, so she thinks if she does this it will make you mad and tell him about these messages. I applaud you for being an adult in this situation. It does show which one of the two of you who has real class.

Answer 9

I totally don't get how calm you are? Your husband of 8 years left you for a ho and she is causing problems with your husband's relationship with his daughter? Ummm why is everyone centered around this person? She is nothing, zilcho, nada. Your husband's silly mistake has already messed up your marriage you however do not need to do anything for this woman . I believe all these actions should be documented journaled for the divorce proceedings.

Answer 10

"is she just doing this to drive a wedge between us so we will fight more and NOT be friends? or is she just a bit jealous and insecure?"

Yes, and yes. In fact, I fear that she may eventually resent your daughter because you two share something that she and your STB Ex. don't. I wouldn't be at all surprised if she gets herself knocked up with in a year.

Answer 11

I feel you, girl. My husband's new girlfriend (we're waiting for the divorce to be final) is always up in the middle of our situation. One day when my husband and I were talking on the phone, she was apparently on the other line and started screaming at me about something totally unrelated to our conversation. She also showed up at my house when my husband was dropping our son off after a visitation, and got in my face then.

What these "girls" don't realize is that they will never be us. And they'll never get over it.