How can I tell if my husband is playing head games with me and trying to manipulate me?

Question

I have asked several questions on here and I get mixed opinions. I have come to the conclusion that my husband is "acting" like he is angry just to derail me from asking him any questions and to discourage me from talking to him about anything. For instance, just about every single time we get into an argument he will either run into another room and shut the door or leave for hours. Five months ago he cheated on me and keeps telling me he can't deal with me wanting to rehash what happened between him and her. He also said that if I wanted to move on I would stop talking about it. He said he knows I will not forget but I should move on. It's not that easy. He is not a violent person but as of lately he has started flipping chairs and slamming things to show me he is upset. He didn't start doing this until several months ago. As long as I ball up and cry and get out of his ear he is fine. But when I am persistent he gets upset. Is he playing games? If so, how can I stop it?

Answer 1

The question you have to ask yourself is whether you can 'let it go', whether you can forgive, if not forget?
It's a hard situation to deal with, no doubt, but if you've made the decision to stay with him then you can't keep on harping on about it (if that's is what is happening here.) When this happened and it came to light, did you sit down and have an honest & open chat about it? Did you both, BUT especially YOU - express your true feelings? It often happens in these sitations that the person who was betryed gravitates between passive to aggresive responses. What 'reasons' did he give for his affair - did he blame himself or did he blame you/your relationship? Maybe you guys ought to see a professional counsellor, a neutral 3rd party who can assist you guys in dealing with your issues. Obviously, what has happened has broken that fragile trust and it's going to take a lot to repair it. Open communication is also crucial to get through this. I don't know if he's manipulating you or he has become over sensitive from the subject always being raised, but his violent reactions are obviously not a good sign. You must realise that you can't change how he reacts to things, but you can change how you approach and react. Don't ball up and cry, don't play the victim. Think proactively. Think about what you need to do to make your life better. If you guys are going to move away from this, then there are some things that need serious and drastic changing pronto. You've had a major upheaval in your relationship and you can't 'go back' to how things were before. You can only go forwards, for better or worse.
I wish you luck in solving your dilema.

Answer 2

This is tough. In my opinion, you should be able to ask all the questions you want and rehash what happened up until a point. For example, if he cheated on you 5 months ago and he told you everything you wanted to know, everything that happened and you finally chose to forgive him. When you argue 2 months later about a situation that is totally different, you can't throw the affair up in his face. No one expects you to forget but you have to forgive. I think that you may have to deal with the possibility that you are unable to forgive him for this affair.

Answer 3

his problem is not with you. It is with himself, he realizes that he had made a huge mistake, you know about it, and it has also gone againist his own ethics. You have the right to now forget it, he is not suppose to be mad at you...but you at him. I think to fix this, you have to have scarfice your anger and saddness ( if you want to stay with him). Be patient with him, don't argue, do whatever you want, be nice to him, let some things slide, if he doesnt answer the way you want--sometimes do the same, but don't make him think you are doing it on purpose. Overall just keep a good appearance. THen once this passes, go back to your normal expectations of him. This guy just wants to start over, give him that chance if you want. If he doesnt change, you know the best thing for you to do would be to leave.

Answer 4

It is possible he is angry with himself for the affair and events that lead to it. That being said you do need to find a way to either forgive him or leave him. It is not fair to either of you to have this hanging over your relationship. If you can get counseling it is a wonderful way for you to talk through your pain.

His leaving the room or leaving the house is an immature reaction to his disappointing you and your justified anger. If you get yourself to a better place emotionally you two should be able to communicate more effectively and get through this together.

Remember an affair is just a symptom, don't focus solely on it, focus on being a healthy happy person he will want to be with. Then, and only then you can decide if you want to be with him.

Answer 5

In his mind, the affair is over. He's moved on. He doesn't relate to why you haven't - maybe he can't. It doesn't sound like you communicate well with each other on any level.

If you want to save this marriage, get yourself to a marriage counselor. He probably won't want to go - at least not at first, but you need to get some things off of your chest - get some things understood. It might be best to start alone and than bring him into it, but in a separate session with just him and counselor.

He doesn't have to agree to go now, but you should get some help now. You insurance will pay for some of this.

Answer 6

Hi, I'm in a similar situation. My boyfriend of 10 years cheated on me. I thought it would be much easier to get over it, but it's not at all and he still works with her. He always said he would help me get over it, but everytime I try to ask him about he gets angry. We have been out with friends and if we start to fight, he will just leave my by myself crying. It's so embarrasing and I don't know why I love him so much. I decided to break up with him yesterday and I have yet to try to contact him no matter how much i would love to. If I were you I would get out, or take a break. That is what I'm doing, I hope that he will miss me and go back to the way he used to be, but who knows. You owe it to yourself to be in a happy healthy relationship. Please email me if you need someone to talk to. It's hard for me because my friends don't want to hear it anymore. It's devastating though and I wish you the best.

Answer 7

Your hussband has some anger issues that he needs help with. Along with the cheating and the anger, why are you with him? He cheats on you, shuts you out, doesn't talk to you, leaves for hours doing god knows what. Is this what you think a good relationship is? He has you thinking that things are your fault. Wake up and leave him. He needs help and you need to know that you deserve better.

Answer 8

Again marriage is work. Trust is hard to reestablish and he needs to realize you may need to ask him where he's been and where he's going until you trust again. But about the past cheating, you need to give it up. Either learn to live with it or leave. You can't keep rehashing or getting mad and bringing it up. You chose to stay so suck it up about the past. You may need to learn about arguing. Shouting and accusing will get you no where. Learn to discuss. Get counseling or read a few books on arguing so you learn the rules. He may have a bad temper and walks away because you are unreasonable when you argue. On the other had, men will manipulate and walk out to teach you to shut up. Learn to handle yourself when you are mad and do not get into a shouting match so he can walk out. Anytime the "discussion" esculates and gets louder. Talk softer. No one can yell when they can't hear your response. The two of you need to learn to talk and you need to get over the past. There are lots of people out there who offer some good counseling. There are lots of books on relationships (check out Dr. Phil). It never hurts to learn especially since it looks like your marriage is in trouble. Check them out. If you learn to control yourself, you cannot be manipulated. Do not call names, discuss situations. Never get loud unless you want to get mad and walk out or you want him to leave. When you are mad, you cannot start an argument and then expect anyone to sit around and listen to you. Learn to "argue" responsibly. You don't want to hurt the person, you want a situation to change. If you make them mad, then they become unreasonable and you will not get what you want. During a "discussion" discuss the problem only, do not esculate the problem by visiting the past or saying hurtful things. Refuse to retort to any of the above and keep your calm. Lots of luck. . .

Answer 9

i read through one of your other questions and you seem to be bad at talking to him. based on how you word your questions and additional comments i have this picture of you in my mind. you say honey yada yada yada. he then answers with yada yada, he thinks he answered you and you get upset because he didn't respond to your 3rd yada, which confuses him. now you are mad and he doesn't know why, he didn't hear your 3rd yada. he didn't hear because you didn't communicate in a way that a man can understand.
ok, he cheated. bad husband! do you want to forgive him? then deal with how it made you feel. do not keep asking him what happened between him and her, it will not help you. tell him what he can do to make you feel better. stop testing him and be honest and upfront about your needs and what you want. he is getting angry because you are asking him questions that hurt him and yourself and it is pointless. try to move on or get out of the relationship. you are banging your head against a brick wall.

Answer 10

I think he is, he knows thsi will stop you from asking. You have every right to ask him things but are you constantly on top of him with questions is what you really have to think about. If you question a man on every little thing it drives them insane..h-el-l it would drive me insane....but if you know your not over doing it and your not dwelling on past issues then you might have to rethink the whole marriage. Infidelity is a hard thing to get over for some.