My fiance and I have been together for 2.5 yrs, engaged for 5 months, and supposed to be getting married in September. A few weeks ago he broke down, extremely overwhelmed with his constant newfound negativity and has turned into a man that now has the thought of possible divorce on his mind. He has a few friends that are going through a divorce right now and he can't snap out of it. However, he is a wonderful guy and is thinking about my feelings as well as his own. There is absolutley nothing I can say or do to help. He started going to therapy which has only made him dig deeper into his past and seems to be freaking him out more. I get frustrated and sad and mad and any other emotion you could think of. We live together and have for a couple years. Should I leave for a little while and see what happens and give him space or do I stay and live in the unknown??
2007-06-11 06:39:00 · 22 answers · asked by BrusselSprouts 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Leave now and it is over. If you want to marry this guy you need to show him you aren't going to turn out to be another one of these bit ches that have divorced his friends and people he knows. This is really a test FOR YOU! If you leave, you will prove his negative thoughts to be correct. Stay and work it out and you may wind up with a great husband.
2007-06-11 06:43:36 · answer #1 · answered by Steve J 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hi ASR,
Here's the problem... if he had these issues with mariage, he never should have proposed in the first place. The engagement isn't something that should have happened if he had these kind of reservations, and I'm surprised he was even able to bring himself to do so, if he sincerely was commited to the wedding to begin with.
I think you shouldn't have moved in with him beforehand if marriage was something that was truly this important to you, but what's done is done. If you do move out, it should be with the intention of not going back, married or not. Putting things in limbo while waiting to see if he'll overcome his commitment issues, is only going to string things out, and the uncertainity will be worse, than a definite resolution.
Right now he is enjoying all the benefits of a marriage to you, but without any of the commitment, and that is something you're right to be uncomfortable with.
That being said, he is in therapy for this issue now... you can look at that in a positive light, or you can speculate that breaking the wedding date and going into therapy to appease you for it, looked better to him than following through with the promise he made you when he put that ring on your finger.
If this is truly the only issue you have with him, and other than this one thing he is absolutely without a doubt a great match for you, you may wish to give things some time and see what the end result of the therapy will be, but be prepared to either accept the fact he may never be able to make the type of commitment you feel you deserve, or that you'll have to move on and find someone who can.
The bottom line is that he very well may fear making this commitment to you more than the prospect of losing you. If that's the case, there's really only one proper way to respond.
You don't really want to put him is a position where you're bullying him to marry you with the threat of leaving if he doesn't... (not to say you are) if that's the price of being married to him, it's too high!
Unfortunately now that things have come to this point, if he finally does come around and express a desire for marriage, you're always going to wonder what his motives were for it, and know that they probably weren't as pure as yours.
2007-06-12 04:29:07 · answer #2 · answered by Osiris Cross 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If time permits, and it is in your budget, can you take a road trip or weekend "getaway" together?
Can you join a small group at church, to be around other solid couples?
Can you take a dance class, or cooking class, or join a fitness center together?
Activities which aren't centered around "talking with a therapist" and are geared toward a couple accomplishing something new and exciting together.
Rent a canoe and face the rapids together.
Volunteer in your community, a soup kitchen, a youth group.
Change your surroundings and get some time away together, where he will not be so focused on the couples divorcing. It is a confusing time for him. Show him the roots of your relationship are strong.
Be supportive, if he insists on counseling, but it seems he is having delusions of grandeur. The divorces are happening to his friends, not to him. These divorces have nothing to do with him. He is losing focus on your needs and the needs of this relationship, and it is going to take a strong sensual woman to remind him of what he has and what he risks losing.
Best of luck to you ~
2007-06-18 03:10:28 · answer #3 · answered by yoak 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
EEERRRRT!!!... Slow down take a BREAK!
Take some breathing time for both of you. Go away for a week (not like a singles cruse or nothing like that) alone. Needs to be far enough away that you cant have more that a 20 minute conversation. My dad tells me when my husband get all pessimistic to let him broode, or think it over. Woman tend to talk things out men are better left to thought. So I say that if you have a friend in another state, go and let him sit this out on his own. Now, if he wants to start involving you in this healing thing he needs to do, be supportive, and don't leave if he doesn't want you to, he might need someone to listen when he's done brooding. And PLEASE try to remember that you can NOT make him happy, that only he can do. And watch yourself too, it seems like he's depressed and that can start to bring you down if your not careful.
2007-06-18 06:38:20 · answer #4 · answered by littlefariemom 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its good he is talkin to someone. If it is the anxiety of a possible divorce, you both should talk soon. Perhaps talk about a prenuptial agreement. This will bring out his fears, handle it gently. Try not to take it personally, you dont know all that is going on in his head I would suggest having both of you write down your expectations of eachother. Are you gona want kids soon, or for him to cook dinner? Is he gona want a kiss every night at the door? Do you both want the same general things in life? . A wedding is not a marriage. You can always postpone the wedding until you are both secure in sharing the rest of your lives together. Maybe both of you can talk to a counselor or pastor, together.
2007-06-11 06:58:34 · answer #5 · answered by T I 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have the rest of your life to be married, you need to call off the engagement for now. If he is still good to you then stick around, there is no reason to leave someone you love because they're struggling with separation issues, that would probably reinforce his fears.
If you love him and want to stay with him then you should but, let him know that you don't feel like he's ready for marriage yet (and he probably doesn't either).
2007-06-19 00:30:40 · answer #6 · answered by ahhgodzirra 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Run for the Boarder, God don't bless no mess, if you see this side of him now let this be a blessing in disguise and give him lots of space, to the point where he can't find you only call you, tell him, to get his self together and too take his time, because God don't put together mix and match, we do stupid stuff on our own. Just listen too the Father above he is telling you now. Your man sounds like he has second thoughts and he is most likely to be listening to his so called friends, who are jealous because he wants to get married to a real woman who loves him , give him space.
2007-06-18 20:34:49 · answer #7 · answered by reddie 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, first of all it is a good thing that this sort of stuff is coming out now before you get married, and he can hopefully fix whatever issues he has. I would suggest that you be as supportive as you can, but also tell him that you are postponing the wedding until he is better. This will help him and protect you from making a mistake without first him working through his problems.
2007-06-18 07:14:54 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he is already feeling this way, for sure you do NOT want to marry him. Are you pushing a Wedding Date on him? Maybe he just likes living together but not ready to do it legally. You have to decide if hes worth waiting for and possibly never marrying or Move on to another choice in Life. Your Fiance could be staging this whole thing just to postpone a Marriage he does not want. Do what is right for "YOU"
2007-06-18 02:48:16 · answer #9 · answered by donna_honeycutt47 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Was the relationship good before? Maybe seeing his friends going through a divorce is giving him cold feet or he is scared. Sit him down and talk to him. if it doesn't help maybe time away from him would help. Then he can get his thoughts together and his feelings for you back to perspective.
2007-06-18 06:09:12 · answer #10 · answered by beckster 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋