Does your spouse leave the house without saying a word to you during or after a heated argument?

Question

My husband has been doing that over the duration of our marraige, which is almost three years. I am 29 and he is 28. We have no kids. If we get into an argument he will up and leave the house without saying a word. He will come back hours later. When I tell him this is not okay, he will say he is going to leave the house to cool down regardless of what I think. He either leaves or goes into another room in the house and if I try to talk to him he will get upset. My tone of voice doesn't even matter. I can try to talk to him softly and gently and he still just wants me to shut the **** up and get out of his ear. What can I do if he won't talk this out. This has been going on for almost three years.

Answer 1

Yes my husband does that and its for the best because I've seen his temper when he does stay and its scary flipping furniture etc. Everyone handles confrontation differently and just because you like to resolve things immediately doesn't mean that's what's best. Some people need time to cool off and that's fine. I've found its best to discuss marital problems when you are both calm outside the presence of an argument,. believe me more gets resolved this way! Please consider other tactics and maybe read some books on the subject or I'm afraid your need for confrontation will ruin your marriage, it almost ruined mine!!

Answer 2

First you say he does it during a "heated" argument, which definitely implies raised voices, then you say he does it even when you try to talk softly. I think what happens is you are having a heated argument, raised voices and all, and he leaves the room. Then, you chase him and try to keep talking, albeit in a subdued voice. By then, it is too late! Be thankful that he leaves because it could be worse. Lots of men refuse to leave the situation and end up using very bad language on their wives, and some get physical.

The solution is to have no heated arguments. This is going to take work on both your parts, but you can accomplish it if you work at it. What you need to do is have a discussion, at a time when both of you are calm and have no lingering anger, about laying down some ground rules for when you are in a disagreement. Rationally and calmly identify what happens to the two of you during a typical argument, and map out a plan for how to head those things off in the future.

For example, when my wife and I used to argue, she used to range all over the place, bringing up lots of different things instead of sticking to the one issue we were disagreeing about. Together, we agreed that we would stick to one topic at a time and resolve that one before going on to the next one. On the other hand, she felt that I interrupted her too much and didn't let her get her points across. So, I agreed to allow her to make her full points before interjecting.

This kind of compromise negotiation has worked for us; we disagree much more amicably than we did in the past. Nowadays, we come to resolutions fairly quickly, and tempers have not risen to the point of raised voices or somebody leaving the house in . . . well, I don't remember, but it's been a long time.

Answer 3

When you are not arguing, see if you can have a quiet discussion about it, and I suggest that you both do more listening, and let the other person finish without interruption. Arguments are 2 talkers and 0 listeners. Listening, although difficult, avoids arguments and the silent treatment, which is worse.
Sometimes it is good to agree to put a subject aside for a day or two, to cool off. It can be done.

Answer 4

He just needs time to cool off. If you don't give him that cool off time then the fight is going to get worse and worse with no resolution. I am just like your husband. I need to be alone until I am cooled off and ready to talk about this without the possibility of biting his head off. It took my husband almost 5 years to learn this one. I am walking away to avoid further conflict, so I can talk about this like an adult without making this worse. If you love your husband and want a happy marriage then you need to learn to respect your husbands boundaries. Don't follow him into the other room, don't yell and him when he gets home. You are only making things worse. He needs to feel as if you respect the fact that he can have his cool down time. It's a time for him to sit and think rationally about what you two are arguing about. You are probably like my husband. You want to talk about it until it is resolved. I can't do that and your husband probably can't either. When you are arguing some stuff is said that neither person meant. Just let him cool off. For the sake of your marriage.

Answer 5

Leave him alone when he does this!!! HE is only the point of blowing up and may do something he will regret later!! This is his way of not exploding !!! After he has cooled off then try to talk to him!!! If he won't talk these things out after he has cooled down the you might want to go to some counseling together.

Answer 6

my husband does that to me and it pisses me off severely!!! if i am on the phone, he hangs up on me while im trying to get my point across. Or, if we are arguing in the house, he goes into the room and locks the door, even if i am not yelling but talking softly. I think it is very disrespectful and immature, and i am actually contemplating divorce. the arguments are because of an affair that he had, and he refuses to deal with the issues, and thinks i should just move on and never bring it up again, which is impossible for me to do. Maybe counseling would help your situation, as well as mine.

Answer 7

Some people need to cool off before they get back into a converstaion. The person may not want to say something he will regret later, or he is so angry that hearing one more word from you may want him to get physical. Instead he chooses correctly by walking away so he can think because everyone can't keep a converstion going when they are that pissed off.

Answer 8

My husband used to walk out too and it used to make me really really angry. To me it sounds like your husband may have some communication problems, like mine did. I finally just told my husband that he had 3 choices (gotta give men their choice) He could sit down and TALK to me about it when he finally cools off (however that may be, even if its leaving the house AND telling me about it), we could go to marriage counsiling if the first option didnt work, or he could pack his bags and leave. One way or the other I was going to be respected the way I respected him because relationships are work, we are both equals to one another and if he would rather not be with me than to work on our problems, I didnt want to be with him anyway. Its one thing to walk away or leave and cool off its another to walk away or leave and come back pretending like nothing happened. Since then my husband and I talk through our problems, sometimes they get heated and we walk away and THEN come back to talk about it, other times its just not worth arguing about. Now we are like best friends our communication is great and we are really honest with one another. As a couple the two of you should figure out what makes both of you more comfortable in dealing with your issues...there should be some compromises. EX. if he wants to leave to cool off thats fine but he should tell you. If you are upset with him you should tell him why and if he brushes you off, then honey...spout those three choices out and let him decide....because atleast if he decides to leave, you can say you tried.

Answer 9

It's probably better for him to walk away for a while and regain his composure, instead of saying something in the heat of the moment that he might not really mean.

The more important issue here is why and how frequently are these arguments taking place? That's the root of the problem.

Answer 10

I think that is a male thing, my husband does the same thing. Women are very vocal creatures and we want to talk about it until its done. Men want to go into thier "cave" until the problem resolves itself. Knowing that it is not going to change doesnt make it any easier on us, the best that we can hope for is to ask them to atleast let us know they are leaving and will be back. It stops us from being neurotic and crazy wondering what in the heck is going on.

Good luck and if I come up with any real answers other than electic shock treatments I will let ya know.