My boyfriend (of one year) and I love each other, but whenever we talk about progressing further, he refers to not being IN love. What is heck is that anyway? I'm not "head-over-heels-butterflies-in-my-stomach-in-love" either! But that doesn't mean I don't love him and don't think we're working out. He's the same way, but thinks we should wait til he feels "more", so he doesn't have to force it. This shouldn't be so hard....
So - Is "love" and "in love" really that different? Perhaps we're just the kind of people who, since we've never been "in love" and all goofy-like before, in previous relationships, that we just will never get that way with anyone. I think our source of love is just being ourselves and being comfortable with each other....not waiting to wake up one morning & realize you're in love. I don't believe in that. I also don't believe we should deprive ourselves of a lasting relationship, waiting for a feeling that maybe we already have and just don't recognize?
2007-06-11 05:02:05 · 19 answers · asked by chaotic_mum 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
We already know we want to be together. We're VERY happy. But I think we're just waiting on a feeling that we don't need. Or have never had. We've discussed marriage and children and all that, and I think, being in our thirties, with one previous-relationship kid, that maybe we're waiting for absolutely nothing. If we know we want to be together, are we already "in love" and don't need the extra mushiness to be able to say that?
2007-06-11 05:03:55 · update #1
Brent - I do pay attention. He and I have talked about this before. He's been divorced, so giving him time to heal and feel emotional love is important. I just don't know how to define this "in love" stuff. We are very attentive to each other's need, already, thank you.
2007-06-11 05:06:22 · update #2
When my husband and I got together it was as if we'd known eachother our whole lives. However, at least on my end, there was never that all consuming feeling of love, lightheadedness, can't get him out of my mind puppy love. It's always been "this is who I was meant to be with, I love him", but never that chemical induced state of mind where I felt "in love". I was worried at first that I didn't really love him because of that, but it turned out to be a very real, very comfortable love. Maybe the same for you, maybe not. You'll know if it's right. Straight up "loving" someone is far more real than being "in love".
2007-06-11 05:07:08 · answer #1 · answered by Mara 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Love means something different to everyone. Just because you are not all "mushy mushy" does not mean that you don't love each other. I'm a mushy person and my husband isn't. We are very much in love. We have been together for almost 11 years now. We have lots of kids and are very happy. If you genuinely care about each other and know you would do anything for each other, you are in love. You don't have to feel "butterflies" or have the urge to kiss each other every second. Being in love means that you enjoy being around each other and spending time with each other. It also means that you would be willing to do anything to make the other person happy. If you can both say that honestly, then you are in love, regardless of "butterflies and "mushy" stuff. :-)
2007-06-11 12:12:54 · answer #2 · answered by Inactive 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think love is different for every person. I am very much in love with my husband. We do have a butterflies in the belly and can't keep our hands off each other kind of relationship. We are also deeply devoted and committed to each other and look to the other person's happiness as happiness for ourselves. I don't think all relationships are like that, but before my husband came along, I also didn't think relationships like ours even existed. We all desire different things in our relationships and our needs our met in different ways.
The main thing is if he feels he needs to wait until he feels more, if you want him, you have to wait for that too. Eventually he will either realize he has what he was waiting for or you are going to realize that maybe he isn't what you want after all. I think in a year's time you both should have a pretty clear idea of the depth of your feelings.
It certainly doesn't have to be head-over-heels or butterflies, but it should be fulfilling in its own way for you. Is he worth waiting for?
2007-06-11 12:24:16 · answer #3 · answered by kalea_kane 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Love is different depending on the person you ask. You may be able to commit to marry your bf after one year together though realize most people would not. In fact I think you are going to drive him away if you pressure him as such. Realize that marriage takes two people to join, to want to join is better. By forcing or nagging him to marry you will not only push him away from you but bring you as a partner into question. If she's not patient enough for me to be ready who's to say she's not going to try to make every decision in the relationship? It's overbearing and if you want to lose him, keep doing it. Relax you've been dating for ONE year, take a chill pill and let things come in their own time.
P.S. there's a different between being comfortable with each other and not being able to live without the other person.
2007-06-11 12:06:48 · answer #4 · answered by jay k 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Thats not so hard of a question..
You are obviously not "in love" with him either... being "in love" is more less infatuation mixed with love... but "loving" someone is the real deal... it is rolling over with stinky breath and kissing an not getting grossed out. Being in love is more like calling 10 times a day and doing the whole You hang up- No you hang up... it is nice but honestly being "in love" is usually the first stages of a relationship- yall seem to have just passed right past that and got to the solid love--- i dont see what the problem is.
2007-06-11 12:08:17 · answer #5 · answered by Enchanted One 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Based on what you have said - you have a wonderful relationship - congratulations! You should not judge your relationship on the "standard" - what works for you and your byf is what you have - so your stressing mostly about a ceremony and celebration before family, friends and God (or whoever you worship).
Understand that it IS just a ceremony and party - once you do you'll get closer to the stage of preparing and planning for a wonderful day. The difference in your commited relationship should not and hopefully does not change afterwords & maybe that is what your byf is worried about.
I see it this way - simply because I go from being a girlfriend to a wife - I never want to have my boyfriends levels of commitment or treatment to change. The ceremony we'll have someday is to celebrate the levels we reached & the party is to share it with everyone we want.
2007-06-11 12:18:53 · answer #6 · answered by martiek7 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
There is a difference between being in love and just loving a person. You can love a person just because they are there in your present (i.e. siblings, best friends), but you can be in love with a person from a far and in person...When you are in love with someone, you will move heaven and earth to be with them. They will accept you as you are; know matter what your flaws might/might not be...you will do and feel all the crazy things of being in love with someone. If you cant feel that then you are not in love with the person, but you only love them...
I can definitely understand where your boyfriend is coming from on this. He wants to make sure you are his one and only. In time he and you will both know.
2007-06-11 12:14:30 · answer #7 · answered by plumprump26 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Guys don't talk about their feelings like that. He says he's not in love with you, then the relationship will probably never go any further. What you feel is real love, not puppy love crap that teenagers gush about. It seems he doesn't feel the same. You have to decide whether you want to waste time waiting for him to decide he doesn't love you, or move on to find a better guy.
2007-06-11 12:05:18 · answer #8 · answered by janicajayne 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Yes, you can love someone and be in love with them and not be all puppy love and smitten. Loving someone is different than being in love with someone. I don't know how to explain the difference really, except it's the difference between friends and lovers. Some people give that part of themselves readily, and some hold back.
2007-06-11 12:22:58 · answer #9 · answered by Sandy Sandals 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
When you fall in love and get comfortable all those butterfly feeling fade away! they never stick around! And if he doesn't feel them anymore and wants them back its not going to be easy.. all those are just the excitment of a new relationship! Good Luck to you-- But it all fades and all you have is love at the end!
2007-06-11 12:06:41 · answer #10 · answered by 04/12/2008 :) 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋