i love my boyfriend very much. he's 16years older than me but he's the man in my dreams. i haven't stopped loving him since i saw him for the first time. of course he's divorced man. no kid. he and his ex wife were together for few years but oneday she told him she wants divorce and she left him in a week. she didn't tell him why, and she didn't even want any money from him, she just left. that was like 7years ago.
anyway, i want to get married him but he keeps saying he wants to live with me but doesn't want to get married anymore. so, first time, i thought like he doesn't love me enough to get married or he is seeing someone else. but it doesn't seem like that and he doesn't even let me go. he just says "without marriage". guys, why is that? is this because he felt frustrated from the past marriage? because i may want divorce later as she did? i want to know why. and i'm still in 20's, never been married. i can live with him as he wants but what if he wants to move on later? :-(
2007-06-11 03:26:15 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Patience is the key.. I am dating someone who has been married before and I myself have never been married. I would like to do it eventually, but it is not something I NEED to do.. I have too many friends who are divorced. But bottom line even if I bring up the M word, he cringes, and that is from being married previously. It's a lot to go through, even if it has been a while since he was married. Give him more time.. and be happy he is with you! Marriage isn't everything its made out to be.. seriously.
2007-06-11 03:35:01 · answer #1 · answered by scared_inlove 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You don't say how long you've been together that I see.
It's possible he doesn't feel ready to make that type of a commitment to you. The fact he was divorced by the last woman he did make that commitment to may or may not be the contributing factor to that.
I know you love him, but if marriage is something you're wanting to experience, it's likely going to have to be with someone other than him.
As you said, "what if he wants to move on later?". Well, as he found out the hard way, a marriage doesn't ensure the other person won't walk-out on you... it does, however create a stable base and ties the two of you together in a way that simple cohabitaion will not.
No offense, and I don't mean this to sound mean, but do you think he'd turn his favorite supermodel down if she wanted to marry him? If you believe the answer is yes, then at least you know he's making as much of a commitment to you as he is willing to make to anyone.... that may or may not be something you want to accept, but if you have ANY doubt about that, then I think you need to reevaluate whether or not you should be investing your time and energy into this man.
I'm curious to know if any discussion on children has come up. I think you'll find that to be the more revealing issue.
2007-06-11 03:37:46 · answer #2 · answered by Osiris Cross 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Some guys just get really bitter about marraige, especially after a particularly bad divorce.
One of my uncles had a terrible divorce. The woman acted like a complete harridan. He later found a very nice woman, but refused to marry her. It didn't mean that he didn't love her or wanted someone else, he just thought that they didn't need a piece of paper to justify their relationship.
Then again, they were both the same age. You have a very drastic age difference, and your boyfriend may only be into the relationship for sex.
Now, you say that whenever you broach the subject he's very firm on the "no marraige" subject, and won't let you go. Do you mean that to say that he's on the controlling side? Have you tried to leave the relationship & he's manipulated you into staying with him? If that's the case, then leave him now! That's a frightening man, and that may be the reason his wife left him & cut all ties with him: she knew that more contact with him would mean that he would try to control her again.
Level with him. Tell him you want to be married, & that it's important enough to you that if he won't marry you, you'll go be with someone who will. If he says no & tries to strong arm you, then leave. If you find that he's manipulating you, then tell a friend or the cops.
2007-06-11 03:35:17 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Maybe he is just gunshy from his divorce, or maybe he just doesn't want a commitment. Maybe he is afraid that you will want to leave him for a younger man.
I'd say don't push the matter, and don't move in with him.
If he wants you, let him know that you want the whole enchilada. Sure marriage is an iffy proposition, especially with that big of an age difference. But it doesn't have to be that way. My first wife and I were married for 6 1/2 years. I was single for three years and I've been married for 17 years. So second marriages can last.
I'd say your relationship is in for some bad times.
Good Luck
2007-06-11 03:34:36 · answer #4 · answered by Doc Hudson 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like he's afraid! He doesn't want to take that chance of getting hurt again. He probably thinks that he likes the way things are going with you and he's afraid if he gets married it will change again.Dosen't mean he doesn't Love you any less. Maybe instead of suggesting marriage, why not talk about having a child together, then after having a baby together, he'll be ready for the next step of marriage again. Good Luck!!
2007-06-11 04:09:58 · answer #5 · answered by 24Special 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is understandable that he was hurt from his marriage and maybe a trust issues. And with your age difference he may just want to make sure it is going to work between the two of you. However, since you are concerned about his lack of commitment I would remain a couple but not move in together. Like the old saying goes, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.
Good luck.
2007-06-11 03:38:18 · answer #6 · answered by Colleen G 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to find out why you would settle for a man who is almost 40 and who flat out says he doesn't want to marry you. If you find this acceptable, then you have some self esteem problems that need counseling. This guy doesn't love you. Not in the way you want to be loved. That's what he's trying to tell you. Listen and move on, it will be the best thing you ever do for yourself. You cannot change people, and his wife left him for a good reason. Think about that and do yourself a favor and don't settle for this.
2007-06-11 03:32:46 · answer #7 · answered by tjnstlouismo 7 · 3⤊ 1⤋
I think you need to ask him why, but it sounds like he is telling you. He doesn't want to get married again and that is his right. Now you have to decide whether you want to be with a man who doesn't want the same things out of life as you. Unfortunately when you get involved with someone much older, you run the risk
2007-06-11 04:08:30 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's normal for a person who's been through a divorce to not want to get married again. You need to decide if marriage is what you want, because he may never want to get married again.
2007-06-11 03:42:07 · answer #9 · answered by harold 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Always protect yourself. Really, if you just move in together he can throw you out or cheat on you or a million other things and your only option would be to leave with only what you came in with.
If you're going to invest your life in someone there should be more of a committment than "let's live together".
If he can't or won't offer that and you move in anyway, you should prepare yourself for any potential consequences...if you're OK with that, go for it.
2007-06-11 03:47:21 · answer #10 · answered by boomerdude 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋