My husband wants to get separate bank accounts now but we can't afford to be separate. What should I do?

Question

When we first got married my husband did not want a joint bank account but finally agreed to it. Almost three years have passed and he still unhappy with the situation. I bring home a little more than he does, but we still cannot afford to just split everything down the middle. We just purchased a new home and will be very limited to the money that we have left each pay period. We get into arguments about money all the time because he wants to spend money eating out, drinking and having a good time with this friends. Don't get me wrong, we all work hard and there's nothing wrong with that. But I will tell him a bill is due and he will actually get upset because he feels like all we do is pay bills. Well what are you supposed to be doing? When he hangs out with his friends he doesn't check the account. He just assumes that he ought to be able to go have a good time since he has worked hard. But bills come first, right? To be continued ...

He will get an attitude with me if I say the funds in the account are kind of low. I usually say this when he is planning to go out with his friends because I know that he is not going to take the time to check the account balance. He doesn’t care. In my opinion, he figures he works and he knows that his check was direct deposited so that means spend money. He agrees that all bills should be paid prior to doing anything else, but if he wants to go do something and I say there really isn’t a lot of money left in the account (and I don’t say this if it’s not true), he will will start all this drag about how he needs to get a second job, etc. He already works 10-11 hours per day. He also says he feels like he can’t do anything for other people (referring to buying rounds of drinks when out with the guys) but all of his friends are single. If I want to buy something I check the account first then I use common judgment regardless of what I WANT to spend. To be continued …

He makes me feel like it’s my fault that we don’t have extra money. So I try to work creative ways to pay the bills so we can have a little money left over so he can go have a good time. Either he doesn’t see that or he is just being selfish (like always). I moved here almost four years ago and have no friends, the the most I do is go shopping. Also, he really didn’t want the house that we just bought. He kind of agreed to it because I wanted it so badly. His first thought was not to create a budget, it was how he was going to have less money to “play” with. I am so frustrated with this … If I want to buy a picture for the house that cost $60, he will make a big deal out of it. But if over the course of one or two weekends he goes to drink beer, goes to a club and eat wings at Hooters with his friends, that’s just fine. He’s more comfortable if the money is slowly spent over time than all at once. Also, he’s fine as long as it’s being spent on what he deems necessary.

Also, I want to add that one of his biggest concerns is saving something ... but how can you save when you barely bring in enough to pay the bills? We are okay with what we make, but because we have large car payments there isn't a whole lot of money to play with since we have moved from the apartment.

Answer 1

Be careful, honey. He has done some very big things against his wishes and better judgement, because they are things you pushed for. He didn't want to merge bank accounts, but you "made him." He didn't want this house, but you "made him." You want to spend money on decorating, you don't want him to spend money on friends, etc.

I can assure you that he is beginning (or has for a while) resented that all of the "joint decisions" are really your decisions that he is pushed into. The two of you have different priorities and money styles. You cannot make him have your priorities and money style. You can try, and it might appear to work for a little while, but it will take a huge turn for the worse if you push.

You need to find a way to balance your priorities and his and to make sure that both of your spending habits are taken into consideration.

Answer 2

Cut and shut down things you can live without -only temporarely. When he ask why you no longer have cable t.v. or satelite tell him b/c he'd rather having his fun money and drinking money then these other things. When he asked what happen to the land line telephone and the enternet -tell him the cell phones bill is better then the land line bill and why have both anyway. Tell him that -If he hadn't have made you feel responsible for the lack of fun money then you wouldn't have shut these things down; He makes you feel as though it is your responsibility to make sure he has fun money and this is the plane you came up with -so then you have taken on the task of getting him what he wants, tell him you will trun them back on when one of you gets a raise and by this time you both will be so used to going without these things you might not want to turn them back on you will see a big difference and your bank statement will prove it to you. Somethings gotta' give here- just tell him that right now he can't have it all and if it is so important to buy rounds of drinks for his buddies that you are budgeting it in for him... You'll see a change in him and in your wallet - be strong he might fuss a bit but just say what ever and oh well. In a month or two maybe three you are your fifnances will let you know when you are ready to turn things back on. He will not realize how bad things really are until you do something like this. I would explain to him that it is so totally not fair to you that you also have to go without b/c of his happy spending.

Answer 3

Perhaps consult with another attorney on an hourly basis. $100-$300 per hour for a consult. Or, do like I did, buy a divorce book specifically designed for her state. $30-$50 dollars. I bought mine online. I read it over the weekend, and let me tell you; timing is everything! Knowing what your rights are and doing what's recommended in a timely manner made all the difference in the world. I eventually got an attorney to file all the legal paperwork, but all the damage control was on account of what I did immediately after reading the book. My attorney was in shock that I had already protected myself prior to my ex's filing. The advice she needs; is how to use the joint belongings such as the home, cars, bank accounts, to fund her own attorney. I don't know how things are in Florida, but in Calif. an attorney can use the value of these belongings against the cost of helping her in the case. After all, she has legal right to 50% of those assets (in Calif.) . So she would be using those assets as collateral for the bill. There are legal documents that she would sign that allow the attorney to post a lien on the belongings. This in essence freezes the assets in court, so that neither one can sell it without first paying off the attorney first. In the divorce petition, just ask for the husband to pay 100% of all legal costs from his share. Doesn't mean that she'll get it, but she won't get it if she doesn't ask. The judge ultimately decides in the end who gets what. Seeing as he makes most of the money, it shouldn't be an issue. I don't see the reason for full custody though, at least none that you mentioned. A bad husband doesn't mean that he's a bad dad. Need I mention that the kids benefit from the affection from both loving parents. Unless the husband prefers it that way.

Answer 4

Here is a suggestion -- have both a joint account AND separate accounts. Put all the money that you need to cover your monthly bills and expenses into the joint account. Each of you should contribute a percenage equal to your income.

Here's what you do: figure out how much you need for all your monthly bills (mortgage, car payments, utilities, cable, phone, gym, etc.), and for household expenses (groceries, gas, pet care, etc.). You may find, when you look at your expenses honestly, that there are areas where you could cut things out of your budget to save money. Do you need two expensive cars? Do you have memberships that you barely use? Do you have too much house for your income? Make adjustments as necessary, and then come up with a number.

If you bring in 55% of the household income, then you contribute 55% of whatever your total amount would be, and he'd put in 45%. For instance, if you figured that you needed $3000 a month to cover all your joint expenses, then you'd deposit $1650 (55% of $3000), and your husband would deposit $1350 (45% of $3000). You can even have the bank set it up so the transfer to the joint account is done every month on the same day you're paid.

The rest of your salary would remain in your individual account, to use as each of you saw fit. If he wants to go out, fine -- he's limited to only blowing as much as he has, and not putting you at financial risk for doing so. If you want to buy a picture for the house, he won't feel like you're depriving him of going out with friends. This ensures that all your expenses are met fairly, and puts the responsibility to watch your individual spending on each of you.

Good luck!

Answer 5

Your husband is working himself to death and doesn't feel he has anything to show for it. You on the other hand, are also working hard but you have the house you want and don't think its wrong to buy a $60 picture for the house.

Here's your choice. You can have the material goods that make you happy or you can have your husband. Men are not women, they don't usually give a care to how their house looks, however spending time with their buddies and not being embarressed to participate IS important to them. You cannot make your husband not resent you ruining his good time. In fact you need to find out why you aren't planning ahead for something you know he is going to want to do. Are you sure you are not sabataging his good time on purpose?

I would do two things. One would be to get professional financial help, before you need a divorce lawyer. Two, set up a special account for your husband that is just his, and he can do what he wants with it and you never ask questions about it. The deal is that instead of spending money on stuff for the house(not the regular bills) you will put that money into his account for him to use for fun. When its gone for the month, its gone and he cannot go into the regular money.

I think you have to ask yourself what is more important here, your marriage or this house. I think you need to lose the house and live within your means and do what ever you can to make your husband happy.

Answer 6

do not get seperate accounts there in no accountability in that and it will cause far more spending/trust issues than what you have now. I read that you make two large car payments and now you have a mortgage...How's your credit? Is there anyway to refinance the cars and get a lower rate? Or trade them in on less expensive vehicles? How about your mortgage? Was it a great increase in payments each month from your apartment? What about credit card debts? What are those like? I don't mean to be nosey and you don't have to answer me but a lot of times you can find creative ways to free up income without sacrificing paying your bills on time. I don't think seperate accounts in your case is going to turn out well at all though.

Answer 7

Here is my answer....
First of all, you need to cut down talk by 70%. You wrote a book to explain something that could be said in 2 lines. You married a greedy SOB who doesn't care for ur financial well being. The biggest cause of divorce is money even more than adultery. You already make more than him maybe that's what is driving him nuts. How old is this guy and what is he doing hanging with single friends all the time? I fear you might have just married the wrong guy. I suggest you sit him down on a Saturday morning and hear his suggestions on how you guys can bring more money into the house. You also need to dump the huge car payments and get 8 yr old Toyota Corollas. I hope you don't have kids because I have a feeling you guys are heading to divorce court.
Good luck!!!

Answer 8

It sounds like a lot more is going on than just money problems. You two don't really seem to be headed in the same direction nor have the same goals. While I agree that life is too short to just work and pay bills - I also agree it's best to pay the bills first and then play with whatever is left. I've never been one who's big on saving money either - my husband is the "let's work and pay bills and save money" person in our relationship. I'm like your husband, I'd rather go have a good time than stress over work and bills all the time...BUT I know when to say when. Bills are going to always be there, no matter what. Bills are like death and taxes, you just can't avoid them so spending hours upon hours worrying about them isn't going to do any good. It's a good thing you made your husband do the joint account, because if you hadn't he'd spend all his money and nothing would get paid. However, I'm concerned that you said "he never wanted the house". It sounds like you wanted this grandios house - and that's fine - but it also sounds like you can't afford it - that is not fine. If your husband feels like he's trapped, married to a house and two car payments, that's only going to make him rebel and spend more and hang out more. Listen, I want a house too, but I know right now it's out of the question. My husband and I have started a year-long house buying plan. We'll save x amount each month and instead of having a longer buy-out, we're going to try and put down at least 25% so that our payments will smaller and the pay-out shorter. We have a good income - though I make almost twice what he makes and I know that's hard on him sometimes. It's hard on me too when I want to play and he says "we must pay bills". I'm thinking "well I made most of the money, why can't I buy the $79 carpet?". But what I had to realize is no matter WHO makes the money, it's still BOTH of ours. Your husband must realize this too. And it sounds like he needs to spend more time at home and less time out with his friends. He's a grown married man now...it's time to put that silliness behind him. Your husband is like mine used to be, he hung with all single men. I told him that he needed to rethink his friendships and how much he was hanging out BEFORE we got married. I told him if he wants to hang out sometimes, do it with his married friends because at least they'll understand what the limitations are. A single man won't. Tell your husband he's married and it's not okay for a married man to run the streets as if he was single. Period. You need to start putting your foot down, work the budget you have made for yourselves. Also, you should handle all the finances and give your husband a monthly or bi-weekly allowance. You both get an equal share of x amount of dollars to spend - however you want to spend it - and that's it. If he spends his going out and drinking, then don't get mad if you spend yours on drapes for the house. I would make the money you give each of you "separate" money meaning, don't count your money as money for new throw pillows for the house - it should be yours to do whatever you want with it and if you decide to spend it on pillows then don't get mad at him for drinking his away. You CAN work this out, but only if you BOTH work at it. Perhaps you can call one of those budget counselors who'll show you how you can find extra money in your budget by cutting back on some things you don't need. Anyway, good luck to you.

Answer 9

My husband and I have separate checking accounts and THANK GOD WE DO!!!! What I did is put the certain bills in my name and certain bills in his name. If you all have credit cards you need to pay them off and get separate cards. As far as the house payment I pay most of the bills so he is responsible for the house payment. The only thing that is different is that I write out his checks out of his accounts so I KNOW THE BILL GETS PAID. Now that we are looking at a divorce I'm grateful that we have separate accounts.

Answer 10

I'm wondering why you had to have that house. It seems like you're what I call 'house poor.' Though it's too late, I would have settled for a cheaper house to allow you a little more spending money. With your husband not wanting that joint account, it would make me suspicious that he has a spending problem and doesn't want you to find out about it. This happened with me and my husband. I stopped working and even though I told him I was going to, he got very mad for some reason. I couldn't figure out why because I made sure my car was paid off before I quit. It turns out he was paying for everything on his American Express card just to get the points. He was forgetting to take the money from his paycheck to pay the bill, so he was borrowing money to pay the AE bill. I caught him from his credit report and literally called every creditor to warn him about his spending problem. He racked up over $20,000 in bills without me knowing about it. I found this out AFTER I gave him $9,000 of my 401K to pay off two bills. This was almost a year ago and I still get angry when we're short on paydays because we're paying over $1,300 in credit card bills a month. Back to you.. every couple needs to go out occasionally, so if you need to save a little each payday towards it, then that's okay. Believe, me, I'm darn tired of sitting at home every weekend because we're trying to get those bills paid off as fast as we can. If he's going to go out, and I doubt if he's going to stop, then he needs to set a limit on what he spends. The rounds need to stop and he needs to just pay for his own drinks. He needs to be more responsible on spending money instead of just thinking there's money to spend just because there's money in the bank. So if he wants seperate accounts, make sure your name isn't on any of his bills because if he starts falling behind in payments, at least your credit rating won't be affected by it. I really wouldn't do it, but I'm not you. I really feel for you because I know what you're going through. It's so hard to bring up the subject of financial things without getting into arguments. All I can suggest is that you talk with him. Lay out everything you pay and everything you have left to spend. Then tell him that he really needs to watch the spending until you get a bill or two paid off. If he can't comprehend that, then there's definitely more to this than what you know. Good luck.