1st marriage crisis?

Question

please help me figure this out. my husband of 9 months has been constantly moody for the last 6 months. he has a chip on his shoulder and says that it isn't me and maybe he needs to change jobs. but i can't help but take it personally when we don't een have sex anymore. when i try to initalte it i get turned down. i have even tried to be understanding, upbeat, very positive, come home make dinner, and keep the house nice... i didn't know how bad this was hurting my selfesteeme until i dyed my hair yesterday in hopes of attracting him more. the women he gives "double takes" to have dark hair. when i tried t o initiate some physical activity he continued to play solitare! i have steadily started t ogain weight (15 lbs) over the last 6 months b/c of this, i was an active, out going indep. women before i got married... not i am an emotion self consious mess.. we are sleeping in seperate rooms now after i told him all of this and how i was feeling last night after the solitare incident...

Answer 1

First, stop letting this effect the kind of person you are. Next, it sounds like you are doing what you should do. You are being supportive and understanding. You have let him know how you feel. You now need to "give him space" while continuing to be there for him. One of two things will happen. Either he will eventually come back to you and show his appreciation for all that you have done, or (and I hope this is not the case) you will have to make a decision to be happy. I reached that point with my wife and when I expressed my desire to be happy and let her know that continuing the way things were was not going to make me happy, she finally started trying to change what was making me unhappy. I hope your husband is able to do the same thing for you. Best of luck and know you have my understanding.

Answer 2

I had to laugh at your "1st marriage" remark. Do you introduce him like that "this is my first husband" LOL That may be giving him some mixed messages alone. Okay i'll be serious because you sound like you are in pain and that isn't funny. The first two years of marriage i have been told is the hardest. Makes sense, new adjustments, new beginnings, bringing two lives together into one. Being a couple and trying not to lose yourself or your independence. I would be concerned with him double taking other woman. Looking is one thing but double taking. Ouch! He is getting a lot of attention from you with all of this. I suggest you try finding your own interest and entertainment and let him go through what he needs to go through. It sounds like the more you try the more you get hurt. You can still be an active independent woman. I usually will change my appearence (like dying my hair) when i need a change. And it sounds like you may need one too. He could try getting a new job or you could try marriage counseling. I try to be understanding if my partner is going through something and he has a lack of sexual interest for a "short" time. But seperate rooms. I would suggest you get back together in your room. That is too much distance.

Answer 3

Believe it or not it is most probably his job. He hates it, and has a lousy day. It is on his mind all the time. A man is the provider, and he feels lost. He wants to start looking for another one, and it is allot of pressure for him. It is not easy finding a good job, with high pay. He is very down in the dumps, and depressed about it, that is why he is acting like he has a chip on his shoulder.

you put the effort into trying to spice things up, and it didn't help, because you are not the problem. His job is.

You got to get him to open up to you, and let him know you understand what he is going through. Just get back into his bed real fast. It is not good for your relationship. He knows he is wrong regarding the solitare. That was his way of getting away with being intimate with you.

You say you were an independent women before you got married. Well start being independent again, and don't let his problems pull you down. Seems to me he really is down about his job, and is just pulling you down, subconsiously it enhances his ego.

Once you settle this immediate issue. Start going out and and getting together with your friends. You will have a better outlook on things, you feel bogged down right now.

I notice other people advised you to go for counseling. I don't think your husband will go for that either, so don't suggest it yet. It will only make things worth.. Try being understanding, not a nag, and INDEPENDENT again. Go to a gym get on a good diet, and start taking care of yourself. It will boost yourself esteem.

Go to it, girl.

Answer 4

Main thing I got for everything you wrote. "He is changing, so I am going to change too!"

BIG MISTAKE! Stay the straight and narrow! Be yourself! Be who you are and what you WANT to be, not what you THINK he wants you to be.

Something to think about, men have fantasies of more than one woman with them, do they want more than one wife? In reality, unless they were raised in Utah, probably not. (Just a reaction regarding the dark haired women that you notice him starring at.)

If you suspect that he is up to something, and you feel there is evidence via behavior TELL HIM! Nothing will be accomplished by coming on here hinting that you think he's straying and asking opinions that'll just reinforce what you want for an answer. Communicate with him! Talk to him. If he doesn't react fight with him (argue) some feel its healthy for a marriage and considering the situation, it sounds like you have somethings to yell out anyway.

In my opinion, if you are changing cause of what you observe and you are not communicating with him about it, he is just as confused over it as you are with him. COMMUNICATION is key. If he doesn't talk, keep bugging until you get off your chest what you need to and then be yourself. He loved you for that.

If once you are comfortable back at being you and he is still the same and wont communicate, then its time to mention that something has gone stagnant and that you are concerned about how you both are going together.

If you are really concerned about him straying, then investigate. Don't assume.

Either way, Good Luck but BE YOURSELF!

And if all else fails, do things without him (don't whore). Just the fact that you can be independent without him is enough to drive a man crazy with thoughts. If even then he doesn't seem to care, marriage counseling or ending it may have to be an option but ONLY after you have tried all other avenues.

Answer 5

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Answer 6

Men who believe they have a sex addiction, use this term lightly due to the inability of really knowing if it is a legitimate illness. I truthfully believe it isn't. If your husband was addicted to the act of achieving an orgasm, he would be constantly masturbating especially as very stressful times during the day to deal with his emotions, similar to people who use food and drugs to do so. It does not necessarily involve other people to achieve a sexual climax and to use having an affair is a lazy excuse. You have only been married for 6 years and already within the first 3 years, you have issues that resulted in him having an affair. which has nothing to do with sexual addiction. He seems to like using excuses to get him out of being responsible for his own behavior. You say you don't want to have your children all of the time? Do you not want to be a parent? I am unsure what you mean by that sentence? Could you be in need of counselling just for you , forget about trying to make your husband do anything, deal with your own feelings and if you are suffering depression, it will make life easier to talk to someone and get medicaiton to help you through this hard time. Dont get pregnant again. and you will need to find an income if your husband died, this is just a test for you to work on. If you really don't want your children, it would be a better idea to give them to your husband and leave then show resentment towards them due to your feelings. We all have to learn to live on our own and make the best of a worse situation. As I said before, your husband could have died and you would have to find a way to support yourself. That is life and it is not impossible. Just stop having children and deal with the ones you have now.

Answer 7

Try to do something else beside sex a lot of people use sex to solve their problem be sex only make the problem bigger. Why don't you try something else like going out for a romantic get together or something as simple as a movie. And another thing let him solve this on his own men don't like it when a woman constantly ask him question about something he's trying to figure out his self. Give it time he will come around.

Answer 8

Im sorry to say this is not normal behavior for a newly wed. What you are saying is that for 3 months you had a good marriage and for 6 months he has been acting wierd. Sounds to me like its time for you to go visit Mom or a friend for a while until this is worked out in your best interest. You dont deserve this. Newlyweds are supposed to be happy.

Answer 9

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Answer 10

Sorry to hear about your crisis. Any number of things can be the cause of this change in behavior. How did you try to talk with him about you feelings? Why are you sleeping in separate rooms now - what happened?

I immediately thought he might be involved with someone else, but that's just my hunch based on your info.

What you should do is to pay more attention to yourself and not be so hung up about your hubby. Get back to doing what you love and when he is ready to talk about it be available.

But It's not healthy to stress out about sex like this.