Getting even ? Yes or no?

Question

If your spouse or partner cheats on you, do you believe it is fair to cheat on them to get even? I do not, but does that make you feel justified instead of guilty if you are the one getting even? Does it ever come around and bite you and you finally feel bad? I am not the one getting even and as far as cheating, it was over 5 years ago, we were split up and NOT married. We finally married last July and then I think he waited to cheat after we were legally wed. In his heart we have been married the whole 12 years that we have been together. By the way, he will NOT admit he has cheated, but several things do not add up and I do not know if i believe him or not. When I accused him of cheating last December, he was so angry he wanted out and we did not speak for 5 months even living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed. He treated me as if I did not exist and did not care at all, cried alot and drank alot. Now, he is ready but still blames it all on me, my insecuriteis.

By the way, he spilt his beans a little this weekend when a conversation came up about someone cheating and the other cheated, he said it is called "getting even" I said is that what you did, he said "No, becasue then that makes me like YOU" He is not like that and cannot stand when our friends are cheating on their spouse, so I am really not sure what to believe. Everyone tells him I did not cheat 5 years ago we were split up, he said he still loved me and he thought I still loved him.....I do feel bad and he has held this over my head for years now and still does. You would think IF he has done the same he would let it go, yes?

FYI - I was the one that cheated ( we were split up, he moved out) that was over 5 years ago. I think he has cheated from September to December after I accused him. I believe he is justifying it by blaming me for his initial hurt years ago. We are getting along and trying, but I feel like he is lying to me and did cheat, cannot shake it.

Answer 1

Getting even only makes things so much worse. Especially if you do not have proof that he cheated in the first place. If you compile all of your evidence and present it to him and he still denies cheating, you have to trust him.

It does seem as though he must be telling the truth if he was so upset that he did not speak to you for five months. Usually cheaters make some attempt at making up, even if they did not admit to cheating. I do not see how you can keep pursuing the idea that he cheated without real proof.

I would suggest that you go to a marriage counselor and work on communication in your marriage. It is possible that he is right and you are so paranoid that you put things together that have nothing to do with cheating or each other.

A good friend of mine can see an ambulance on the street with the lights on and make up an entire story of why the person being brought to the hospital is in the ambulance. Perhaps you are reading into things and making up a story too. I am not saying that is true, but make sure you have all of the evidence before you accuse your husband of violating the trust in your marriage.

By the way, if he dated someone during a time that the two of you were broken up and not yet married, that is not cheating.

Take care,
Troy

Answer 2

If you are incorrect and he is not cheating on you then you are hurting your relationship. You need absolute proof he is cheating on your before you make the accusations. If you were broken up when he "cheated" then he really didnt cheat. It is not right to cheat to get even simply for the fact that two wrongs dont make a right. And what about the others dragged into this vegeance and their feelings. Unfounded accusations can be hurtful, so just make sure you got your facts straight.

Answer 3

Married is married. Cheating is cheating. Separation does not give someone free reign to do what they want with whom they want. They are still married. My husband cheated 2 years ago, moved out, wanted a divorce.

This is where your trust in God comes in. I was quiet, prayed, and let God handle the whole situation. 7 weeks later, he came home. It is a long story, but forgiveness and trust play a VERY large role in this situation in order for the relationship to become healthy again. Quit nagging him, trust God to heal the relationship. Find a good church to go to TOGETHER, and heal your hearts and mind with God's love.

Answer 4

1. Yes, it is getting even, and yes, it's fair.

2. If he would have done the same, he would have let it go.

3, It is extremely normal for someone who has cheated, to suspect their spouse of cheating. It's actually abnormal not to. Things not adding up in your mind very likely does NOT mean he cheated, even though he has every right to.

Answer 5

Why don't you both go to a relationship counsellor? I think if one person cheats on another it's pointless to do it back to get even, it creates more pain and resentment and shows that people don't learn from their mistakes. What goes around does come around though, but i suggest working through this if you really love one another.

Answer 6

2 wrongs never make a right. Councilling sounds like the next step before a divorce.

Answer 7

You can't get ahead if you are only getting even. Better to get out. The best revenge is to live a good life.

Answer 8

It is your fault, you cheated on him first which RUINED YOUR RELATIONSHIP. Yet you continue to stay with him, he's keeping you around to put you through hell and i have to say you deserve it. Leave him, it's not working out.

Answer 9

ø¤º°SIGH`°º¤ø leave it to a "man" to tuck this kinda s#i+ away, only 2 pull tha past BACK out when it so conveniences him!!! sounds just like my ex....don't cheat on him....kick his sorry asss 2 da curb mama!

Answer 10

you need to let it go or move on, people make mistakes. if you guys can't forgive and forget and move on with your lives you might just need to split up.