my wife had a miscarriage and now I no longer want to be with her...?

Question

I know the miscarriage was not her fault but now its as if I dont want to be with her, I dont like it when she touches me anymore, I know its wrong but I blame her and Im angry that she doesnt even seem sad and she carries on like nothing happend, when ever I mention the baby she says maybe it was for the best! I cant stand her anymore I want to leave! is this normal?

Answer 1

There are two things to bear in mind here: First, it's actually quite common for a first pregnancy to end in miscarriage. Second, it's also quite common for the grieving process to include a negative emotional reaction toward the source of your grief, which in this case is your wife -- though of course, by no fault of her own.

I would very strongly recommend to get some counseling, even if it's just short term. Keep in mind that the feelings of grief will fade, while your marriage vows are supposed to be forever. I should know -- my wife and I had FIVE consecutive miscarriages before finally carrying a healthy baby to term (and also adopted two children along the way).

If you can't afford counseling or if no such benefits are provided through your employer, then talk to a preacher, your family members, close friends... and most importantly, TALK TO YOUR WIFE about it. But don't throw away your marriage because of one emotional crisis. Marriage bonds are stronger than that.

Answer 2

She may just trying to be 'Strong' in her aspect of the unfortunate event. Deep in her heart she is probably feeling an immense amount of pain. She probably knows you are too and is responding in such a manner with hopes that you won't feel as much pain. There must of a been a medical condition that warranted the tragedy, but to blame her is even more pressure. That can be a very scarring event when there is no support system. Your anger is justified, but why on her? Can you try to think of some other reason to blame? It is truly a fact of life when it happens and it happens so much. Mother Nature has this odd way of removing something that wasn't 'quite right'. I would be even more devastated to know that you felt that way for something Mother Nature did to me and I am sure she is sensing something through your actions. The bereavement process takes time. Is she not willing to ever try for another? I wish the best for you both as you go through these times. Is there anyone you can confide into that can influence you differently?

Answer 3

Everyone deals with things differently. I have read that miscarriages can occur because something is not right with the baby. And so when she says its for the best, she probably realizes that it was nature's way. But, you both definately have a communication problem and I would suggest marriage counseling. Maybe you should talk to your wife about trying to conceive again.

Answer 4

The two of you should go to counselling together. Emotions are going to be haywire for the both of you for awhile. Sounds like she is going through denial of the baby - probably just her way of dealing with the loss. Now is a time when you need to be there for each other. You may not feel like it, but you would be making a mistake if you left her now since you had such a loss. If you really do need a little time apart, stay with a friend or relative for a couple weeks (and make sure she does the same - she's hurting more than she's letting it show).

Answer 5

There is no "normal" when it comes to grief we all deal with it in our own way. Your pulling away from your wife could be the reason she is saying maybe it's for the best. If she feels no love from you she may think that you wouldn't be a good father anyway so she may be having second thoughts about the whole pregnancy or like you the whole marriage.
I am appalled that you say you "can't stand her anymore" and I have to question whether you keep bringing up the baby as a way to try and hurt her for your feelings.
either way you defiantly need some counseling, there are grief groups to help you with this in just about every city find one fast!

Answer 6

Wow! This is hard!
It is very common to grieve differently about a miscarriage...but usually it is the woman who finds it harder and feels the man doesn`t care.

That was my experience..and I had a lot of anger towards my husband. It helped me to talk with those going through the same thing. What I found was not that my husband didn`t care, but that he was just going through things at a different time and way from me.
It sounds like your wife might not have even started grieving and is rationalising things in order not to feel. It is likely it will hit her all of a sudden.
I don`t have a lot of advice, but I think you need to talk to your wife without anger and blame (hard I know) and try to explain how you feel. Perhaps talking to a counselor first can help you work through your feelings.

When I really talked with husband..leaving aside my feelings of anger...we came to a new understanding of each other and grew closer.

Answer 7

I really think you should just understand her. You know what she's doing? She's convincing herself that everything's just ok and it's not yet the end of the world. She's trying to move on. She's trying to be happy. I know deep inside she's very hurt, but she's doing everything she can to forget the tragedy. Don't upset her. She's in a very delicate situation right now. Maybe she's depressed but she's just hiding it.

Answer 8

its simple you resent that she doesn't care when in actual fact she is just trying to save herself the pain. there is nothing worst then losing a child and im sure she doesn't want to dwell on this. i think you need some counceling to help you get over it. theres nothing that can be done about it now. try again for another baby chances are she wont miscarry. and youll end up with a beautiful baby.

Answer 9

maybe shes distancing herself from the problem. sometimes it happens, people just dont want to deal with stuff right away, maybe if you would talk to her about it and hopefully she will get it all out. Do you really care about her or not? if you dont understand her then maybe you 2 should break up. hope this helps

Answer 10

Is it possible that you are upset with her for not mourning the baby as much as you are? I do not agree with Katie. having another baby while you are going through this is not a good idea. Good Luck to both of you.