What Do You Think Of This Poem And How Did It Affect You?

Question

For a Shakespeare Improve class I had to write a sonnet so I thought I would share it with you guys!

Sonnet #1

Sir, thy handsomeness did possess my sight

So that mine eyes would not move from thy face.

In this my love for thee grew like a night

That covers the sky with a steeds fast pace.

Thy smile is like an affectionate sun,

It warms my cold skin and shines in mine heart:

It charms like a sunset that is fresh 'n young

And spans the sky with its colors like art.

Thy skin is the color of milk chocolate

And yet, I would melt in thy sweet embrace

I long to taste the sweetness of your lips

And my cheek brush the smoothness of your face.

But, I fear that thou art to far from me

To far to ever dream of reaching thee.

How Did This Affect You?

I Loved It, Write More!
It Was Ok/Good, But I Would Make Some Changes. (What and Why?)
It Was Horrible, Please Destroy This Crap!
Yeah, Whatever, I Guess, Ummmmmmmm Sure?
What's A Sonnet?

Answer 1

Very good. I would lose the milk in milk chocolate, though, as you have exceeded the 10 syllables for the line and have thrown off the iambic pentameter by doing so.

Answer 2

It was overall pretty good; sonnets are not easy to write. I loved your imagery, and I disagree with the one answer that says you should avoid physical descriptions. I think it's fine to do that. The main suggestions I have are just to work on your rhythm in places. THere are a few lines that don't flow well or follow the iambic pentameter that you usually see in Shakespearean sonnets, like lines 1, 4, 7, 9. Lines 2, 11, and 14 are really good. They follow the iambic pentamter without sounding forced.
Again, this is a great attempt at a difficult form.

Answer 3

Not bad, sonnets are not easy to write but I agree with some of these other comments on the descriptive thing - try and steer clear of that, otherwise I thought it was good, has a warm feeling about it...

Answer 4

Got a hunch too about that milk and chocolate thing!
and my mind's eye associates setting sunset with the onset of darkness or night (not renewal, not freshness), hence, these two lines sound a little bit awkward "It charms like a sunset that is fresh 'n young/And spans the sky with its colors like art." At least in mind's eye. no matter!!

thanks

Answer 5

it was lovely and infact one of the best i've ever read. But still I'd like to make some changes-----

1. Please edit that Part--"Thy skin is the colour of milk chocolate" because you must describe feelings and emotions while writing poetry and avoid giving physical descriptions. You could say something like-
'In my dreams, thee haunted me
In flesh and blood thee spirit me away'

2. Also there were a few grammatical errors-You should say my eyes, my heart, etc. instead of mine eyes, mine heart, respectively.

Go on writing!!

Answer 6

This poem is pure divine . it brings out the essence of love and youth in a person and showers it with entangled vines of colors and feelings . The words might be simple but it holds a precious meaning behind each sentence , and it brings back reminiscence and memories of joy for many .

Answer 7

this sonnet was awesome this was my favorite thing to write when i was in brittish lit in college keep going write more and get those things published you are an amazing writer when lookin at that sonnet you would think it was an old write like shakespear himself so congrats and keep up the amazin work girlie

Answer 8

It's good but the modern concepts of milk chocolate and what not through me off a little
reminds me of love at first sight
a syndrome I have suffered from before.

Answer 9

Last two lines write too not 'to'. It's OK, not spectacular. you are a nice imaginative person - continue to express yourself but do not rely on it for an income

Answer 10

I liked it, till the end. Your questioning the art, which makes me hate you. But the poem is fine.