title- self destruction
I'm going to turn and walk away now..
It's not an easy thing for me to do
I'm sorry that it hurts you..
But please understand this hurts me too
I'm going to walk out of your life now..
I want you to know I won't be back
I tried so hard to be all I could for you..
but somehow something threw me off track
I'm going to walk out that door now...
I see the tears well up in your eyes
But you haven't moved to stop me...
Why haven't you even tried?
I'm going to close this door now...
I didn't think I'd get this far
It's tearing me up inside...
But, it's me, breaking my own heart!
2007-06-10 22:35:07 · 9 answers · asked by Minty 2 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
comments? concerns? criticism?
2007-06-10 22:35:27 · update #1
Comment:
As nimesh observes, I think also, there's nothing to comment about because it sounds quite a straightforward disgust expressed by a persona who is calling it quits!
I'd venture to ask though, why not simply write it in prose rather than verse?
Concern:
My assumption is that poetic/verse form would perhaps be preferable when the poet wants to communicate some deeply felt feelings or concerns that would take volumes and volumes of words to express/illustrate. Hence, for example, Shakespeare's "I lie with you/And you with me" uses one word "lie" to communicate more than one meaning and implications of the word! In short, if there's nothing deep and inexpressible in plain language, there'd be no need to employs the poetic or by extension the verse form. After all, the whole purpose is to communicate and versification is simply one of the stylistic strategies.
Criticism:
Nothing much to say only that I enjoyed the piece but wondered why this question the speaker poses to the addressee:
I'm going to walk out that door now...
I see the tears well up in your eyes
But you haven't moved to stop me...
Why haven't you even tried?
I felt like urging the other to say something. Why not just go ahead and open the door, why should I move to stop someone who may have decided to put a stop to negotiation!!
Thanks.
Good luck
2007-06-10 23:32:50 · answer #1 · answered by ari-pup 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
IT'S REALLY GOOD!
That's a really awesome poem and I wish I was able to write something like that!
If you're looking for constructive criticism, my English teacher told me that if you have a pattern, stick to it the whole way through. Try to make the last verse rhyme a bit better.
Other than that, it was really good!
2007-06-10 22:44:49 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not bad.
I see mature decision-making, by your not blaming them for breaking your heart. Most people try to mold someone to fit their expectations. It's much better to let someone go, than try to change them. Good decision. Understood pain. Now say goodbye, because you love them. Fill your empty time with friends and activities. (Good activities.)
2007-06-11 03:05:42 · answer #3 · answered by C Sunshine 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's a lovely poem! Though it's none of my business, I'm still curious to ask you---is this beautiful poem based on your personal life situation?
2007-06-10 23:14:43 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like lyrics to some song.
Too direct.
2007-06-11 02:15:53 · answer #5 · answered by Saffren 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Comes off a little juvenile. So if you're just a kid, Wonderful.....But if you are above 25..... Don't give up your day job.
; )
2007-06-10 22:45:17 · answer #6 · answered by 40 something 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There is hardly anything to comment. You have written quite well.
2007-06-10 22:44:39 · answer #7 · answered by nimesh 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
its great you should think about publishing them.
sad it is. just my openion but you should try to make it rhyme sometimes.
2007-06-11 04:16:00 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow im impressed
2007-06-11 02:45:31 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋