Separation....and reconciliation after sex with others....?

Question

I had been with my wife for 12 years, and last November we separated - initiated by myself...there were so many things that were bugging me that I just needed some time out. We have two sons. Anyway, at the beginning my wife was quite distraught and couldnt get over the fact of what had happened. She moved out of the family home several months ago and is renting with our sons....and in many ways she tells me she has moved on. Problem is, is i'm now at the point she was many months ago and want to reconcile. I have had a sexual encounter (not full intercourse) and as it turns out my wife has too. I wish we set clearer boundaries of what was going to be OK during the separation, but at one stage it was sort of final between us. Now, I really want to reconcile, but am afraid that these sexual encounters will be hanging over me forever....so confused...we are soon doing counselling but I just dont think things will be the same as she is REALLY unsure about ANY future between us...wat 2 do?

Answer 1

Counseling is a good idea because it will help the two of you explore what your options are and what you each want to have happen. With a clearer outcome identified, you will have something more concrete to work towards.

The fact that both of you had sexual encounters during your separation puts you more on even track than if only one of you had. This way you will each have to forgive and be forgiven and it will not be a case of one of you misunderstanding or acting rashly.

There is no easy way to repair a damaged relationship. It will take determination and patience and time for healing and it can be done. Things will never be the same, it's true, but you can have a new future together, if that's what you both decide you want and will work for.

Good luck to both of you.

Answer 2

Well buddy you really really messed things up there. I don't understand why the hell would someone even think for a moment that adding a third party to their problems or relationship would make things clearer or better? Really don't see how it works...
Some people think that it might spice up things in their sex life and some are just plain stupid but in reality it messes up a lot! So if you wanted sex that much or anything near it why didn't go to your wife? Or better yet behave yourself in the beginning of your marriage then you wont be swinging your dick around wondering about any other woman now would you? Lol!
How stupid some people could be at times.
Well since you messed this one up big time the only thing you can do is pray that God would have mercy on you and help you save your marriage. Hell she messed too so hopefully you guys could come to some sort of agreement and make things work. This one my friend is a waiting game and the worst thing you want to do is to aggravate an aggravated woman because that would be called biting off more than you can chew. Wait around see what happens and hope best as well as work hard. Who said marriage was ever easy? Good luck and please keep the third parties away as well as behave yourself for a change lol!

Answer 3

So, things were bugging you and you wanted some time out? What did you each expect that the other would do? Would you take a vow of celibacy, in case you wanted to reconcile at some point? Did you expect her to be celibate, while you were not?

It's a bit late now, but separated people do have a tendency to look around during the separation.

It's too bad that you didn't get counselling at the time that things were bugging you, instead of breaking up.

Now, you must ask a question:

Can I reconcile with my wife, knowing that she had sex with another man while were apart--after I suggested the separation?

You know the answer to your own question--nobody else does.

Answer 4

Separation And Reconciliation

Answer 5

It appears to me that most of the problem here is with you, not him... To begin with, if you shut a man off while his demands are there then he will find someone else and it doesn't matter for being married or not or if you live to be a hundred... You alone will be at fault in his mind because all men feel their woman should never deny him...that's part of marrriage, is it not...? Your observations of the situation are remarkable...and, despite your concerns or his, you believe you have a chance for renewal and now wonder if he may just be using you until another girl comes on the scene, right...? Well, who was using him when you decided to sleep with another man...??? If you both are sincere to try over again, then go for it, but you will have to let the past go completely or it will never work. It's history, so forget it... Live together and give yourselves time to regenerate a good relationship before considering marriage again. AND, for gosh sakes, don't have any children until you both are positive your relationship has been top quality for a few years... Work out your differences and both must compromise at times, but jumping into someone else's bed is never the answer, is it...! A successful relationship is not of what you can take from it but is only of what you can put into it... Good luck...

Answer 6

I am from India and naturally far from you.While reading your question I find some sorrow hidden inside you.There should be similar sorrows inside her too. You both needs to be reconciled. You are concerned with sexual encounter. Take it easy as a passing cloud. Do not make it an important issue. Remember you are marrying a soul and not a body. If the mind is clear and love is blossomed you can ignore it. Once you are united you both concentrate on yourselves. Come out of ego and surrender to love. Ladies sacrifice in silence.They do not react unless we men torture them to the last point.Do not think your wife is a bonded labor. She has dreams centering you. If she had bad intention she will not make you father by bearing your child.So she is a good lady. It is only her psychology which has got punctured. From your writing I understand that you only opted fro this separation.So it is your mis calculation. My advise to you therefore is to go to her directly and make compromise convince her assure her that you still love her.It will have better effect than going for counseling. Any way if you need more to talk here is my email id [e-mail] . I would like to hear from your wife too. If you can ask her to talk to me once. I think I can help you out to thrash the difference.

Answer 7

You are correct. Nothing will be the same between you two. One, you both need to forgive the other completely and without reservation.
Two, forget what you have forgiven and never bring it up again.
Three. Go to counselling. Both of you are unsure and quite frankly scared that you have ruined your relationship forever. This is not true. Both of you need to:
be open to the possibility of reforging a new relationship out of the old one.
examine what brought about the separation to begin with,
be open and honest with one another,
have a firm target of reconciliation from the very beginning of counselling, and;
be respectful of each other's opinions;

Best wishes and I pray that you two will be able to work things out and reunite.

Answer 8

When you separate you should discuss what kind of separation you are having that you both agree to. Apparently you did decide to see other people. Also you initiated the separation, you can't expect someone to be faithful to you and live her life without you. That is where "Having your cake and eating it too"' comes into play. That is expecting too much. Maybe if the two of you were more patient to have worked it out together you wouldn't be in the bed in which you lay. Now I suggest you get over it if you want her back. You have to know that you do love her and try to get her understand that you accept her. If you two are unforgiving of each other then it won't work. Good luck to you. (sincerely)

Answer 9

At this point she is probably distrustful that if you do reconcile that you wouldn't wind up doing the same thing again.

You broke her trust in you.

I don't think it has a thing to do with sexual encounter. Forgive yourself for it..... and forgive her....

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall....... You may never be able to put this back together again.... you can only try with counseling.

Answer 10

How do you expect her to feel. You were the one that called it quits and now you want to get back together. Remember that in marriage there are no breaks you either want to be with her or not. About the encounters its something you both will have in the back of your minds.