After 25 years of marriage my husband cheated on me. How can I ever trust him again?

Question

I trusted my hubby so completely that when he admitted he cheated it devestated me. I have tried to get over this. I have forgiven but can't seem to forget. I don't trust him anymore! This hurts me more than I can say in words! Help! How can I forget and trust him again?

Some added details--my husband has been a good husband. I have been very niave and trusting. My husband was working away from home on a construction job-something he has worked at for several years. He got to feeling sorry for himself (a bad habit he has) and went to a bar. He had a one night stand with a bar-fly and got an STD, so he had to tell me about it or risk my getting an STD as well. I am sure he has cheated on me before! Trust me on this. I have caught him in several lies-but this time he said that he thought I would never have to know so it would be okay. I am quoting!

Answer 1

Our Dear President and the stupid politicians can blather on all they want about the "Protection of Marriage" amendments, but unfortunately, this is the part that nobody gets "protection" from when it happens. This is that "worse" part of "for better or for worse", and now you have some important decisions to make. But they need to be made honestly and without the tiresome outside influences that will provide you with eighteen-thousand different pieces of advice, most of them knee-jerk reactions to the situation.

First of all, TWENTY-FIVE YEARS. That is a long time to spend with the same person, especially in a culture now where some couples can't spend five seconds in the same room if it doesn't have a bed in it. His betrayal hurts, the breach of trust seems impossible to repair, and you will probably feel the hurt for a good long while. But after all is said and done, ask yourself the most important question: If you wake up tomorrow morning, knowing that he will never, ever be a part of your life again, would you really be okay with that?

If you can answer "yes", knowing in your heart of hearts that it's EXACTLY the way you feel with no remorse and no regrets that linger, then you know what you need to do.

But if there is even ONE thing that you'll miss about him...a smile that sometimes makes him look like the most wonderful guy in the world; a way he has of touching you that just makes the whole day better; a moment of the day that is the best time you two can share, then STOP.

Nobody really knows anybody - that's the only real truth that any of us have. So the lie he told was indeed a huge one, almost a deal-breaker. But consider it for a second...can you say that you have been completely open and honest about EVERYTHING in your relationship with him, no matter if it was the smallest thing in the world? No relationship could ever withstand that. If we all tried to live our lives together with complete, uncompromising honesty, nobody would ever fall in love or get married.

Unless this man is just the world's most despicable, lying, cheating, wife-abusing, hard-drinking, gambling, whoring bastard the world has ever known, I just don't see you trashing a quarter of a century of your life spent together because he did something REALLY stupid. Men will do that from time to time - it's our nature.

So unless this is something he's been doing behind your back all these years and only had to tell the truth now because he got caught with a STD, I say get counseling, YESTERDAY. Maybe he was just feeling sorry for himself when he cheated, or maybe it was something more, something deeper you haven't noticed and he hasn't told you about. Whatever that something is, if you hope to save your marriage, it needs to come out once and for all.

You can never set a timetable on how you feel now, and whether he'll be able to win back your trust again. But you can make it crystal-clear to him...This will be the only chance he gets at redemption, and he best not "eff" it up by having another "lapse in judgment". Because that WOULD be the end.

Tell him that you know you are worth more than how he has treated you, and that he'd better get busy making up for that - and no, not with cars, watches or diamond earrings, Tony Soprano-style.

Chances are that it's possible for you to find love again if this doesn't have a happy - or at least hopeful - ending, but it won't be easy. So try to salvage the situation anyway you can. Even if it feels like he doesn't merit the effort, what you've had together definitely does.

Answer 2

I don't think it will just happen overnight regaining the trust...trust needs to be earned and you have been hurt very badly. Did your husband tell you why he cheated, it may be hard to hear but knowing why he strayed may give you some more insight and help you both together work out the problems in the marriage. I think the trust and forgetting will be a long road, it's not something you can forget overnight and go on with life. Take it day by day and don't beat yourself up if you still cannot get past it. Maybe speaking to a couples counselor would help get some of the bad thoughts out in the open.

Answer 3

I'm also recovering from my husband's infidelity after nearly 20 years of marriage. I try to avoid dwelling upon his affair, but have had a difficult time also forgeting. After16 months of counseling and his sobriety for a year, we are still in counseling.
He is very angry that I cannot just "get over it". He wants it to go away and never be discussed again. However more than one therapist has told him that he just needs to do whatever it takes and for as long as it takes because he ran the marriage into the ditch and had an affair. IT'S NOT MY FAULT! He thought with his dick and not his brain and didn't even have the balls to tell me about the affair himself. His affair partner blew the whistle on him when he tried to dump her three weeks after saying that he would divorce me.
The kicker is that he is a 71 year old man. I just hope that he lives long enough for me to forgive him. I take it one day at a time now and I started with one minute and then one hour at a time.

I put questions for him to answer in a box and twice a week we have "talk time" and for 45 minutes he has to pick out questions and answer them. It helps me get answers without continually having to drill him. Hang in there and know that the only person that you need to ever trust is YOURSELF!!

The next time that you think that something doesn't add up, you'll know that you have every reason to set limits and demand the RESPECT that you know that you deserve. Good luck to you and I'll pray for you.

Answer 4

You didn't state how he got into that mess but it will take a long time to get over the hurt he has caused you...but you can and it will take effort on both parties. Trust can be built back up gradually, step-by-step. The fact that he confessed to you means that he is likely feeling very guilty or ashamed at what he has done and is ready to move on. He needs to know that if he does something similar again that those 25 years are out the door. You may need counseling and he way need it as well. Counselors will give you strategies to overcome your hurt feelings and open the way for forgiveness. He will need to change his life in some ways so that he won't be in a situation like that again.

Answer 5

Yes, trust can be restored. But there's much work that needs to be done.

I kind of depends on the circumstances why and how he cheated. If this was something serious, with emotional involvement, then you really need to find out what is wrong and he needs to workd hard to make it better. That is very difficult, but it can be done.

If this was a "stupid drunk" kind of cheating, yes that hurts too. But that kind of cheating situation is basically meaningless. He himself has probably already forgotten the details. Men are that way. Really. Then he still needs to do a lot of work the get your trust back. But rest assured, it was meaningless.
Which situation was it? You're not telling.

But don't throw 25 years away. Unless you feel that he will do it again. Look out for your OWN well-being first, OK? You're Number One. Not he.

Good luck!!!!

Answer 6

Without out knowing the details of your husbands infidelity (frequency, manner in which he was caught or forced to admit, etc) it is difficult to say. If this person is someone you feel is worth the energy, and deserving of a second chance then counseling may help. Trust, however, is a different issue. Trust is earned, and serious injuries can heal but never be forgotten. Counseling will help you find out why he decided to be unfaithful, and may divulge more about the state of your marriage as a whole. It is a neutral place that both of you will be able to address your issues.
The most important thing is to get to a counselor as soon as possible, have both of you dedicate yourselves to repairing what is problematic in your marriage, and from there you will be able to decide if you will be able to trust him. Which ever way you decide keep in mind that you should do what you feel is in your best interest, regardless of the number of years invested in your marriage.
Here are some websites that may aid you in finding a counselor, or at least give you an idea of what is available to you:
http://family-marriage-counseling.com/
orhttp://www.counsel-search.com/
By the way if he refuses to go to counseling with you, that says a lot in itself. Best of luck.

Answer 7

I am not gonna lie to you and say you will ever forget because you won't. It will take a lot of counseling to help you get through this, and don't blame yourself for what he did and don't let him make you feel that you did anything wrong because the person who cheated usually have a habit of making their mate feel that it is their mates fault why they strayed outside the marriage. We all have choices to make and we can make the right or wrong choice. It is not gonna be easy to get over. He is gonna have to take a look at his life and make some changes in the way he do things and the way he make decisions. You all need to get counseling together and each by yourself. I have been through that same situation and it is gonna take a lot of hard work together. He is gonna have to earn your trust by being honest with you and making the right decisions from here on in concerning other women. It is possible for you to trust him again.

Answer 8

You have to forgive him in your heart. Cheating on you is not going to ruin a 25 year marriage is it? You are fortunate your husband owned up to his indiscretion. Most men/women would not be so honest.

If you cannot find it in your heart to forgive him, then you should seek some marriage counseling to save the relationship. Yes, what he did was very wrong but if you do not allow him forgiveness, then you are also very wrong. Two wrongs don't make a right. Good luck. I feel you have been dealt a great blow but don't throw away a good marriage.

Answer 9

Conflict or anger itself does not have to cause an irreparable rift between partners. With good communication skills and a shared commitment to a marriage, even these are surmountable. How to save your marriage https://tr.im/23trW

However, at that point where one partner is at the brink of abandoning the relationship, how can the remaining partner save their marriage? If you are at the point where your spouse has asked for a divorce, what can you do?

You must realize first that, you do have a choice. Often, when confronted by a crisis, we find ourselves backed into a corner thinking we have no choice in the matter. How can we change the situation when it involves another person's feelings or decisions? While we cannot, must not and in no way manipulate, blackmail or threaten our partner into changing their mind, we can actually control how we react to the situation. If anything, you must realize that you still have control over yourself. You have the opportunity to look inward and take responsibility for your own feelings and actions and even have the chance to take personal inventory of what your partner is trying to tell you. Are there points in your marriage that must be changed? If so, respond appropriately and proactively.

Answer 10

I have been married 10 years and found out about several affairs, The question is he trying? Is he still acting the same as he was with the guilt? You can't forget. But you can choose to forgive and take the power back from him. You can choose to honor you wedding vows, honor you commitment to God first knowing that God will judge your husband and you must step put of his way. Try to respect you husband for who he is not what he does or doesn't do. Do you trust God? I am just now starting to realise who I am truely married to after all the years of lies and deception are cleared and we have a clean slate. Trust is a choice. It hurts, I can denie that I know.

I was always wondering; what does it mean to "share in the suffering of Christ and to know the power of the resurrection"? But now I realise that when Jesus was going to die on the cross he was betrayed by one that shared everything for years, for 30 pieces of silver. OUCH. He knew and still loved him, he felt that pain so Jesus could know how we feel right now, Betrayed. Our choice is simple, pick up our cross and follow Jesus, Because we know that he is loving and knows who we are and loves us still. He choose the cross. How many times, have we betrayed God by denying him and living our lifes as there is no God.