My husband has been having an affair for over a year. He has chosen to leave.?

Question

Is there any hope he will come home or what can I do to help him choose to come home. We have 2 kids left at home who are completely devastated. I miss him so much.

Answer 1

my heart goes out to you!!! I know exactly where your children are coming from. my stepdad had numerous affairs with women over the internet, and lot lizards (hes a truck driver). Needless to say my mom and me were devastated and she filed for divorce. I dont want to say your marriage is over because it may not be.....Here are a few rules...

1. The Rule of Protection: Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness.
2. The Rule of Care: Meet your spouse's most important emotional needs.
3: The Rule of Time: Give your spouse your undivided attention
4. The Rule of Honesty: Be completely honest with your spouse.

Answer 2

I know exactly how you feel, I am going through the same thing after a 30 year marriage. My soon to be ex was also having an affair and had been for over a year. I did not suspect a thing, he had changed nothing, we still had the same life we always had, he was where he was supposed to be at the time he was supposed to be. Later found out he had been leaving work to be with her. Even the rest of the family and the people he worked with suspected nothing, he told them he had doctor or dentist appts. We only have one son and he was 21 when this happened, but he was almost as devastated as I was. He has very little to do with his father. The only thing that is kinda funny about the whole thing is that he has found out that the grass is not greener on the other side, she kicked him out and he now lives by himself. There is no chance for a reconciliation too much has happened, he treats me as though I do not exist, maybe it is because he so guilty, I don't know. Just hang in there, that is what everyone tells me that things will get better, hope they know what they are talking about. Good luck to us both!

Answer 3

Hey man, your life is upside down right now and you want it back to normal. You need to be strong for those kids and help them understand what is going on. You do miss the good times and that hurts but you need to convince yourself that what he did was wrong and nobody deserves it. You really should end this and move on without him. This will teach him that you are worth better than that and you don't need him. You are a good person and you deserve to be treated with respect and love. The two things he lost for you. You will be wasting your one and only life for a man who will hurt you again and again. Get some friends and stay busy with your new life and keep telling yourself that you can do it. yes, you will break down every once in a while, and thats normal. But the only thing that heals the heart is time. Ask yourself this question.. What if your son or daughter's spouse did this to them.. What would your advice be to them. Theres your answer sister. Good luck

Answer 4

Oh, honey. I am so sorry - you must be devastated. The best advice you can follow is to care for yourself and your children. Get into family counseling and move forward. Moving forward isn't the same as moving on. Although, it can be, if you choose it to be. For at least a year, your husband has put you and you children last because of his own selfishness. The most important thing to do is to put all of you FIRST now. It's not fun being in "limbo" and not knowing where you are headed in your relationship. CHOOSE to put both feet on one side of the fence. Not only will this be empowering, but, if you both choose to try counseling and see if this can be mended, your relationship will be stronger. Men only value what they work hard for. If you come easy to him, not only will your life revolve around him solely (which is clearly the opposite of EMPOWER), but he will not be interested in working things out with you. Focus on the important things in your life: your children, family, friends, your career, hobbies, interests. Be as busy as you possibly can - this will help fill the void and also create further empowerment. Just don't forget to take care of yourself - treat yourself to a pedicure, get your hair done, put some makeup on, go out with the girl's on a Satuday night. See if Grandma or a neighbor could help by babysitting? I wish you the best of luck, and God bless.

Answer 5

Sadly, you must stop wishing for things that are not going to be.

Honestly, would you want him to guilt him into coming home, knowing that his heart wants to be some place else? You would be kidding yourself if you think this would be best for the kids.

The kids deserve to be in a home with TWO HAPPY ADULTS. Not one who feels guilty and comes home, and one who is hopelessly depressed, fearing that the other is going to leave again. What kind of homelife is that?

Let him go. I understand that you miss him, and the kids as well. But you can't hang on to something that does not exist any more.

Move on. Life is too short, and you deserve to be with someone that will be yours completely. Let him have his life, because after a year, it is clear that he has made his choice.

As for his relationship with the kids...that is a decision he must make. Until he makes that decision, you should seek counseling for you and the children.

My guess is that he wants to stay away until you are stable enough to realize that he is not coming home. I pray that he still wants to be part of the children's lives, and so should you.

Once you have accepted his decision, you need to allow him to see the children, and to explain to them his choice. Do not cloud their judgement with your opinions. That is not fair to them. He is still their father, and they deserve to develop their own thoughts and feelings about the way things have turned out.


Hang in there. You will make it. The kids need to see that they have a strong Mommy. Do this for yourself and for them.

Answer 6

Dont downgrade yourself to begging him to come home. Youve done nothing wrong here.You deserve better. He made a choice so let him live with it. As much as this hurts,you need to file for divorce on grounds of adultery and sue him for everything youre legally entitled to and then move on. This will help him to remember exactly what he left behind. Even with allthe begging in the world,you have absolutely no guarantee that he will stay or for how long. You wont b able to survive this a 2nd time but only you can make that choice. Good luck

Answer 7

Lady,I am so sorry. here is advice from a man who was just like your husband - in the past. The truth is - his head is in another place and along with death and sickness sadness - there is little you can do -You really need to let him go and rally your friends around you and get a good solicitor - to protect yourself and the children. Try try to realise that it is not your fault or your responsibility to get him back. You will rise above this - time is the healer here. you will find your true self - he has not died but unfortunately something has. of course you miss him - but realise that he is in a selfish state of mind so now is the time to move on with your life with the kids - best wishes

Answer 8

I had the same thing happen to me, (except I had one child instead of two at the time) and I was a wreck for several months. On the other hand, I have since met a wonderful man, married seven years with a child together and I have never been happier. I wanted things to work out with my ex but looking back, I know now that he would have never been faithful. He hasn't been to the one he cheated on me with. He has already been divorced from her and is married to another lady who I think he has cheated on as well. Try to move on with your life but let the kids still have contact with him. The trust will never be there if you were to get back together anyway. It is very hard to trust again. Believe me! I know!

Answer 9

Hon, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. But it's clear that he's made his choice, and it can't work if you don't both want it to.
He may change his mind; he wouldn't be the first man to have left a wife for a mistress, then realize that he's made a huge mistake. Only time will tell.
It's up to you to decide how long you wish to wait but Hon, I do hope you keep your eyes open to the possibility of starting a new relationship with a man who will treat you better than your husband has. It will take time to get past your intense hurt. But we've all been there, and you really WILL get past this. God bless Hon, my heart goes out to you.
And PLEASE...do NOT let him get away with not giving financial support to you and your children!

Answer 10

He has chosen to violate the marriage bed and leave to the arms of another. If he does not want the marriage, get yourself a decent lawyer and let him go.

Your kids are in need, now. If they have had a good relationship with Dad, this should continue. They may need to learn how to forgive him at some point so you may need some help there. See your local family services - they should be able to help.