marriage in a drought, what to do when you want to call it quits?

Question

both growing apart, first marriage for me second for him, he's in a slump and bringing me down.Sex is gone , now in own bedrooms. Kids all left home and so did his ambitions.

Answer 1

It's okay to grow apart when you are in the middle of a marriage. It is okay to sleep apart in the middle of a marriage. It is okay when sex, sometimes, is gone. Being in a slump and bringing you down does not always mean it's time for a divorce.

Your husband sounds very sad for reasons that are beyond you. So hard for men to talk about how they feel when things are hard for them to understand. Your kids are gone, he might be depressed.

So many fights have taken place, he might have no idea what to say to make it end, and having felt like he ruined one marriage already, he might be hiding and holding on for dear life in hopes that some miracle comes along to change the sorrow and distance and silence. (Eventhough he might be the one initiating the silence.)

You absolutely cannot even think of considering divorce - with an honest heart - without going to see a therapist yourself.

I was really surprised how many things I was doing that was causing us problems. I kept thinking it was all him. My doctor asked me not to mention divorce until we step by step sorted through our situation.

Three years we sorted things out. One year into therapy my husbad got his own doctor and began treatment for his depression. It has made such a world of difference.

There will always be a chance that we will end things, but when you are thinking of leaving and you really don't fully understand what is causing all of this distance and pain and you have no idea how to fix it or end it --- knowing the answers to those questions bring peace and confirm it isn't your fault, and allow you to accept responsibility for the problems that are yours.

I feel so much better and confident as a person. My husband has opened up tremendously - as I backed off, learned to deal with my frustration, and stopped talking so much.

You might be surprised to find that your marriage is much better off and salvagable than you thought, and if not....you will thank yourself for getting professional guidance to find the way.

Don't wait - call today and if you can't afford a doctor, call your church or local health department. You are both worth it.

P.S. We still sleep in separate beds, and you are not alone being married to a man who slumps and feels down. While he is hiding in a cave, get support to work it out.

Best of luck - turtle speed - divorce not a race.

Answer 2

Ben in a marrige slump. You probly don't want to hear any of this but... If you step on a slug do you get a better slug? Also a person needs to me loved THE MOST when they deserve it THE LEAST. I read the book Five Love Languages to help me bette express to my hubby that I loved him in a way he would recognize. All marriges have issues and all people lose heart some times. Ask your self how you would want him to treat you if you where going through a funk. Now I am not saying his behavior is okay. It is not! But you can't make some one change all you can control is what you do. So I looked at it that I should change even though he had some changing to do as well. When I grew as a person and showed him love even when he was being a complete jerk I found OVER TME he began to respond and things are back on track. Don't know you complete situation so am just telling you about my experience and I wish for you the marrige you have always wanted. Hugs and God bless.

Answer 3

If your husband is in a slump, there is no one there to help him over his slump (like his wife should)
Sex is gone and the 2 of you have your own bedrooms. (then that means your relationship is over) Neither of you want to help each other out.
No kids at home, but either way you look at it. They still have a home. If you guys seperate, they won't have a one home to go to.
You sound like yo gave up on your relationship before you even asked your question. You just want an approval from someone. The person you should be asking is your husband.
Have a talk with him and see where it stands with him.
just because your kids are out doesn't mean you don't have a family. Try to fix what you can. If it can't be fixed then have your children try to help you fix it. You guys got married for a reason, and the both of you forgot what the reason was. Try to find it before giving up. There is going to be a lot of loss in this relationship, just because how you feel your marriage is going. Either try to fix it. or leave it. Personally it might be easier and worth trying to fix your relationship other than starting a new one.

Answer 4

Ask him if he wants to get to know you all over again. Cuz those several decades really change people's personalities and goals. My folks have been married for 40 yrs and my mom said in the beginning she was quiet and angry and my dad talkative and party-going. Now she is cooky and fun and he's quiet but occassionally goes to church-functions.

If he's hesitant push him to finally open up about his feelings for you now since your marriage is seriously on the line. If he's clearly not interested in pursuing this any further then both of you should agree to get a legal separation first before divorce. It'll allow you to try it on before the final seperation.

Answer 5

Your 'problem' is that you now live 'totally separate lives' but are still living under the same 'roof' ... so I'd say that the FIRST THING you need to do is 'sit down and have a long talk' about your relationship. You may be 'down' but so may your husband, and I think both of you are being 'shy' about 'sharing your feelings' with the other ... but when you have your 'talk' you should remember that it takes BOTH of you to 'talk' and both of you to LISTEN ... and you must each make only "I" statements about our feelings, and not say "You" do or don't do something ... and you may both decide to 'break up' ... but you both may decide that you still do LOVE EACH OTHER and can 'come together' better ... and if that happens, I think you should BOTH move to another 'room' where you can 'sleep in the same bed' and if you have 'separate offices' you should also put them in the same room, too...

Answer 6

Vicious cycle. The more effort and energy you invest, the harder it is to end it and count your losses. In the end, you have to look yourself in the mirror, smile and know that you sincerely tried and are now better off with whichever way it went.
I was not inlove with my wife nearly as much as Iwas with being married. It gave me legitimacy -- or so I thought. I was miserable in marriage and crushed when she announced divorce. In the end, she did me a huge favor. She's been through three more marriages. I am now happily married for a second time.

Answer 7

I'm so sorry about whats going on I'm not married but my sister is and she was going threw the same problem here's my advice if you really want the marriage to work try talking about the problems you are both having and try to work those problems out if that doesn't work try marriage counseling my sister is doing that now and it seems to be helping the key is to try and figure out what is bothering your lover and let him know what bothers you and try to work it out sometimes its hard any you may want to work it out but your lover may not so sometimes people separate and its OK but just remember follow your heart i hope this was helpful

Answer 8

You should file for a formal separation if you want to give your marriage another shot down the line. If not, file for divorce. Life is too precious and short to give days to unhappiness.

Answer 9

It's time to talk. You have to confront each other on how each feels about each other if there is anything left.

You can't live the rest of your life separtely. Dump him and go out and have fun.

Life is too short, find someone who wants to be with you.

Answer 10

Have you tried other options before calling it quits...maybe a vacation for the both of you....if your sure that your fully done then talk to him...he might feel the same/