A reason to get divorce??

Question

My husband and I have been married for 2 years together for 6 years. We are complete opposites. Night and day. My biggest issue with him is sex. Or the lack of it. I am 32 and he is 40. I want sex all the time and he doesn't. I'm lucking to get it once a month and that's only because I start it. I've talked to him about it and he tells me "he'll try harder", "we'll do it more", etc. Nothing changes. I'm so over it! The last time we attempted to have sex he could not even stay hard. Is he unhappy or could it be a medical problem?? He tells me he is happy and that it isn't me that it's him.
This has been going on since before we got married. I went ahead and married him because I thought things would get better. I truly love him but I just can't handle it anymore. I don't know what to do!

I have been dealing with this for the last 3 years. I have tried and tried. He isn't doing anything to make a change. He won't go to the doctors about it. You would think if our marriage/me meant anything to him then he would seek out help. I know if I was having this problem I would get help. With him not doing anything to help his problem, it makes me feel like he could careless about me or my feelings/need.

Answer 1

The problem you are describing doesn't have an easy answer. There are two issues. The first is the human side of this issue, the second is the possible physical side.

Starting with the latter, he may have a libido problem or perhaps a hormone problem, both are physical and there could be something done for him. At the same time it would also be a mental problem. Us guys aren't all born to chase everything in a skirt though we are often accused of that. Some guys are incredibly oversexed, some hardly take any interest at all. Often that has something to do with how our minds were initially formed. Whether something could be done about that I haven't a clue. And there's another consideration too, he may be a closet gay, perhaps he isn't even aware of it, perhaps he's just not attracted to women physically because of that.

Whatever the reason and regardless of whether is can be cured, the human side of things is really tough. You need to understand that for us guys being sexually able is a real ego thing. It can be incredibly devastating to a guy if he is unable to perform. I had a friend once who couldn't get it up on a date and that got him worried for months about whether he was still a virile man. Fortunately for him that was only a single incident that didn't recur.

Women tend to be a lot more comfortable talking about physical problems than men are. He's probably embarrased like hell already that he can't perform for you, and he may ever be depressed about it. Getting him now to publicly admit that to a doctor is really a stretch.

I agree with you that he should seek help if for no other reason that for your happiness and perhaps his own peace of mind. But you have to understand that he'd likely prefer to wrestle with a polar bear than to admit to someone that he's got such a problem.

My only suggestion is to perhaps ask him why he's not seeking help. Be gentle and kind and understanding. Maybe he'll tell you. At that point at least you'll finally be in a position to perhaps help him a little.

I'd also like to suggest that it's not just you who's hurting, I bet he's hurting too. To be a man is to make a woman happy, to satisfy her, to be excited by her. Those things are the essence of a man. So when a man can't perform he starts feeling like less of a man and that can be very depressing. Be kind and gentle and understanding and perhaps through this means the two of you will find a way to solve this problem.

Answer 2

My wife and your husband should get together and not have sex! They're perfect for each other. It sounds like you've really tried to communicate, but with no results. You might try going to counseling on your own, and then bring your husband in. Maybe he'll feel more compelled to open up. Many divorces are caused by exactly the same circumstances you're talking about. I'm in exactly the same situation, but with with a beautiful baby boy I can't stand to be away from. So....I stay. I would try and remember the reasons you married your husband in the first place, and make sure you do everything you possibly can to turn things around, before you call it quits. Good Luck.

Answer 3

Ok first of all he is at the age where men go thru their hormonal changes (some call it midlife crisis). Some men start into their mid to late thirties and some don't start until their forties. This causes their sex drive to go down quite a bit. I suggest if it is a real problem in your aprriage that you either get him a herbal supplement to perhaps help his sex drive and to help him stay longer, talk to his doctor and have them test his testerone levels to see if they have dropped, see a counselor if you think there may be other problems spurring this, or just find ways to help him destress and maybe get more excited. I know you are tired of it, but you don't get a divorce just because you can't have your way. You would think you would be working on finding out a solution besides divorce to this problem. Now if he was abusive to you then I could understand, but if it is just the sex thing then try working on it.

Answer 4

He is probably depressed. This is often the root cause of men not being interested in sex. It actually probably has nothing to do whether he likes you or not.

40 yo is nothing, everthing should be fully working as often as one wants so its not likely to be physical

Can't imagine anyone getting a divorce over sex, there is so much more to marriage.

You do make it sound like you expect a machine though --- " he could not even stay hard". He's HUMAN you know, forcing him, making it an issue, is not going to help the situation....as i think you found out

Answer 5

First of all - getting married doesn't magically fix your problems. If anything it compounds them. Secondly there is this stereotype that men constantly want sex and can't get enough of it. But there are some men with lower sex drives them women. Thirdly - if he can't stay hard why dont you see if he'll agree to seeing a doctor? And lastly - this is NOT a reason to get divorced. You get divorced because he's either, A) beating your or B) cheating on you. You dont divorce because you have issues in your sex life.

Answer 6

wow usually it's the opposite way around. From what you say I am sure it is not you. I wonder if it is medical......like prostrate problems or hormonal (low sex drive in a man is not common place.)Maybe he is embarrassed to discuss it. This is a very sensitive issue for a man. Will he entertain the thought of seeing a doctor about it? I know my relationship is not based purely on sex but myself, I can not and would not live without that kind of intimacy. Ask him to seek help in a nice way. Tell him your relationship is suffering and will only get worse. You have needs too. Meanwhile (Vibrator)
p.s. NPB your 1st sentence response made me LOL

Answer 7

That is not a reason to get divorced because that's like you only married him for sex, which isnt good there should be some type of communication. It might be he's shy or just doesnt want to...if you love him you'll except that fact and keeping getting your sex once a month....Good Luck

Answer 8

There must be something wrong with him and he is too ashamed to admit it. Sorry. Looks like you are just going to have to deal with the lack of sex. If it is psychological, he might just need some more time to feel comfortable in the marriage. Louis the 16th did not consummate his marriage until the seventh year of his marriage to Marie Antoinette! Try to get him to see a doctor just to make sure itis not physical. Maybe he needs viagra. You could always please yourself if it gets too unbearable.

Answer 9

Sorry to hear about your luck. It sounds like we have a lot in common my wife and I are separated because of her lack of interest in the bedroom.

The only difference was that she was dynamite in bed before we got married but then our sex life zeroed out. I finally confronted her on why and she admitted she was only doing everything before we got married to "get me". Unfortunately all it is getting her now is a divorce.

Answer 10

Remember your marriage vows, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, until death do us part. The only reason that is acceptable for divorce is if he commits adultery. Talk to your doctor and see if he can refer you to some counseling, you can't change him but you can change what you are doing.

Actually you made your bed, now you are stuck in it. But you can do research and find out if you can help your marriage if you do something differently.

Yes, your husband is wrong to keep his body from you. When you got married his body became one with you and he should not with hold sex from you nor visa versa.