How important is, 1) a super clean house & 2) regular lovemaking to a husband?

Question

My marriage is on the rocks and in a he said/she said whirlwind. He claims that all of his "problems" is that i am not a good enough housekeeper and that I act like I don't like him. On my side of it I say he acts like a teenager; wants to control the $$, believes compromise is me controlling him, believes that him working is his part (doesn't understand that marriage takes work too). He works for himself & I am a stay at home Mom and I do all of his clerical/advertising. He is 33 and I am 36 & the kids are mine from a previous. Anything I say, he says I am nagging. I told him when we met that I was not a great housekeeper, but the most devoted, honest, and truest woman he would ever meet.
Guys, especially, can you help me understand him and his thinking so that I can work with it?

Answer 1

Wow..refreshing...that you admit it's a he said/she said situation is very honest. Makes me tend to believe that you are telling it straight.

Unfortunately I cannot answer your question. To me, a 'super clean house' is the least important part of my relationship with my sweetie. That you also work for him doing the clerical stuff should be taken into account. To me that means you're not 'just' a stay at home Mom. You have two jobs...Mom/Wife and administrator. If he's so worried about the cleaning, he should be helping out more. As for the "...I don't like him." impression he has developed, it may be his own insecurity talking. How is the business faring? Is he under a lot of stress for some reason? We don't admit it often, but we guys do tend to worry about whether our luck will remain after we've landed a beautiful woman as a wife. After all, if she married me, might she decide she could do better? First step...sit him down (without the kids or any chance of interruptions) and speak with him calmly and rationally about your concerns. Do not allow either one of you to become angry. If he is unwilling to speak honestly then counseling would be the next option. If he is still unwilling, then you will need to do some very deep soul searching..as should he. Being 33 does not necessarily mean maturity...there are plenty of folks who never reach a mature level. At least not emotionally. The question you need to answer is why? That answer will come only after honest and open communication.

Good luck with this, wish I could offer more helpful answers.

Answer 2

Yeah, unfortunately some guys are this way, you are not the only one, they want control of the finances and don't want to help around the house because they seriously believe their part is working and getting the money, period. Even if both have a job!!. He's probably right, you are not the best housekeeper and maybe you don't like him that much right now because you are angry and you have every right to be angry but look at it this way. Unless your husband is a germophobic he is just trying to pick on you telling you you don't clean up. Guys don't really mind a messy house, it's like they don't see the dirt, I'm serious. On the other hand the lovemaking is a HUGE issue for them, in his mind if you guys don't do it regulary there is something wrong with your marriage. In your mind your marriage is on the rocks and you don't want to do it with him, in his mind the marriage is on the rocks because you don't do it with him. Isn't that funny?.

I know you might not give me best answer because of what I am gonna say but in all honesty your problems aren't that bad, I mean, you aren't complaining that he is cheating on you or comming home drunk to beat you up or that he is a lazy man who doesn't want to work and doesn't provide for the kids, seriously, your problems aren't that bad, they are normal for a marriage. So the guy wants to control the $$?, be smart, let him think he controls the money but in reality do whatever you want to do. He doesn't clean around the house?, big deal, clean whenever you can, if he says anything tell him you were working in his clerical/advertising some important thing that couldn't wait but don't fight him, do what you can when you can, even hire a maid from time to time to help you clean up, like I said, every single problem you describe has a solution, you just need to sit back and relax a little bit, you don't have to win every argument , you know?, you should actually solve the problems you have and fortunately your problems have a solution. Believe me, it's not worthy fighting your husband about this, he might be a good father, a good provider, there are probably so many things he is doing right that if you think about it these problems are probably nothing.

Good luck

Answer 3

#2 then #1. But that really doesn't seem to be the nature of your problems. Just seems that he doesn't appreciate you for the things you do. True, he might be under a bit of pressure, but that is a very poor excuse for treating you the way he does. There are obvious issues that he isn't bring up, he's only able to act them out instead. His avoidance is dangerous to your relationship. I doubt that you're going to find an easy solution to this. As you put it, his lack of maturity will just block and progress. If you go to counseling, which getting him to go is an issue, then getting him to open up is another issues, then getting him to commit to change is another issue. They always ask in counseling "can the marriage be saved". Stupid question, well of course it can be, you'll just have to go about your day doing everything you're told without rendering your opinion about anything. The question you need to address is "should your marriage be saved, and if so what needs to be done to make it work for both of you so that there isn't any resentment." Most people can't find an answer to that, most end up divorced, it happens, no one to blame. Hope things work out for you. But unless he opens up, it will just remain the same or get worse for you. To bad you're not in Chicago, you could have married me.

Answer 4

I can understand some of your problems and I am female - I am not siding with anyone - you have to work things out between you two.
My partner is self-employed and they are under more pressure than what you think. It is a constant hassle - they have to bring in the money - they cannot afford to be ill or have holidays sometimes - just think about this - it is not as easy as what you think.
I think the housekeeping part is a front - and its something else that is bothering him
Hope you sort this out - divorce is a bummer

Answer 5

no one wants to live in a pig pen.

anyone man or woman wants a hosue to be clean and neat. something that is not an embarressment. things in their place, floors swept and mopped, clothes washed and put away, not huge amounts of clutter strewn everywhere, dishes washed and put away not piled all over the counter...

a place you can open the door to and let a visitor into without being ashamed of how you live.

i dont think a place has to be a spotless palace, but i have the same issue sometimes. my wife has crates and crates of things to sell for her business that take up most of the house. I dont mind that. its neat and needed. but she's home all day and i shouldnt have to come home after working all day and then do the dishes, cook dinner, do the laundry, sweep & mop, and find the house a filthy wreck that is so dirty and messy that i wouldn't be able to invite a neighbor into.

if its clean and presentable he shouldnt have a problem. if its not and you're home you need to clean or or you may find yourself watching him from behind one of these days as he walks away.... it can be more than a person is willing to take.

Answer 6

This is a Common problem with over achievers and control freaks. but guess what it will and does get worse.
My friend her husband has monitored her computer, put a Gps-monitor on her car to track her trips to the store, controls all the phones-cell bills checks every number. placed a recorder on the home phones. sneaky crap!
complains everyday no matter how clean the house gets. never pleased and never happy! I feel so sorry for her!
he complains about her weight- she weight 115 and looks great! never compliments her no matter how good things are!
Just a big Ole Butthole!
Sorry hunny Good luck!

Answer 7

Honestly, I could live with someone who isn't a great housekeeper...oh yea, I do!! anyways sounds like HE is being controlling....Check out this book "HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS" Read it together and do the study guide and you'll find that he will begin helping out on his own, and you will rock his world in the bed....My wife and I did it and at least I'm helping around the house....!
Marriage is work, don't give up on him yet!!

Answer 8

Actually, neither one is really the problem. This is a guy who's probably feeling that he's out of control of everything around him. He's under pressure to succeed in his business, take responsibility for children not his own, and make sure that you love him.
This often makes guys attempt to control something with overbearing results.
What he needs is REASSURANCE!!
1. Make sure he knows you love him (whatever it takes).
2. Make sure he knows you appreciate his hard work.
3. Make sure he knows you appreciate him taking good care of the family.
4. Make sure he knows you're on the same team to succeed and are willing to share the workload.
My wife and I had similar issues until I learned that attempting to control everything around me was counter-productive and that I needed her reassurance more than anything else.
Stick with him. He obviously cares, which is a lot better than the alternative. He just needs time to adjust, gain confidence, and relax with you.

Answer 9

there are many good marriage counselors out there, it sounds like there are other issues here, underlying ones,

of the choices that you have given, i don't believe that either is correct. a clean house( i notice that you didn't use the word "home" ) can be gotten from a maid (a paid servant) and regular lovemaking is just sex, and that is not a foundation for a marriage, let alone the cure for an ailing one.

Answer 10

A reasonably clean house (kids pick up after themselves and have small chores, vacuum 5x a week, no clutter in the common areas) and sex 6-7x a week sounds about right to me. But if he expects more, then he is looking for a way out. You didn't tell us how long you have been married, or if he has children of his own.