How do you help someone who doesn't think they have a problem?

Question

My husband is what I think addicted to porn and he promised me three years ago he would stop. Now he's telling me it's a bad habbit and to give him three weeks to stop. It's been a few days and he's still doing it. He is very aware that I know this and now tells me if I wasn't such a nag he would't get on porn. But this is his MO for everything. If I didn't do this he would do that...or whatever. Basically he uses me or others as an excuse for his actions. I think he needs help, but he doesn't see that he has any problems. He'll once in a while admit to them, but then continues doing them....like he admits to them because he got caught but really doesn't want to stop. Anyway, he knows how I feel about this and his lies, but he continues. What should I do. How do I get him to realize just what he is doing and get him to stop. Should I get his family invovled...he won't listen to me.

Answer 1

Addicted to dirty movies? Poor guy. He's just bored to death. But in his defense, the ones I've seen are all basically the same thing, over and over and over again. Is he able to have real sex, I mean with you, his wife. Is he all alone out in the world of shaved parts, and silicone. Are you any good at all, can you not become interested too. As far as addictions go, that's not much. Wait till he gets into the Viagra, speed, sex, and all the time , at any cost routine. Call the Rehab, get him a reservation. If he can't watch a movie without being threatened by his wife, you know, the people who love him, well, if you can't handle a skin flick, whatcha going to do when he sells the car for a week of hard core romance in Las Vegas. By the way, your a piss ant of a wife, anyway, make sure it's straight porn, not those gay, or snuff types. He might start getting weird on you. Bring your girlfriend over, lose 20 lbs, and do the wild thing while watching his favorite movie, he might not divorce you.

Answer 2

First off don't listen to any of the creeps that try to tell you this is your problem or that you need to change something about yourself.
Secondly if he has been doing it for three years after he said he would stop you must have been very patient and now he doesn't feel that it is that big of a deal or you would have turned it off by now. If he said give him a few weeks to stop and you agreed to it than you really can't say anything to him about doing it yet. He told you he wasn't ready to stop yet. And you can't help an addict if they don't want to be helped. Basically if you have been trying for three years to get him to change you aren't going to succeed in this matter. So you have to decide is this a big enough issue that you will leave him over or not. If it is, go now he isn't changing soon. If it isn't than leave him alone because you are just making yourself miserable stressing about it. You might find that if you make specific reasons that it bothers you and tell him those reasons but also say you want to know what he likes about it and you want to try to understand him better, he will talk to you more openly and you can work from there.
Do no get his family involved it is none of their business and he will resent you for embarrassing him.

Answer 3

I know this situation far too well, far too personally.
3 years later, and nothing has changed...yup, that's how it always goes without therapy.
The 3 week time period, is, what? some kind of binge period before he stops? It makes no sense whatsoever.
Your husband doesn't want to give up porn, plain and simple. 50% of men will give up their partner before they will give up porn, and probably 80% or more of men "use" porn, married or not.
But he's told you to give him three weeks, which is his mistake, because he will never be able to stick to that.
You're going to have a show-down. In 3 weeks install "covenant eyes" or some other monitoring and filtering system on ALL the computers in the house, and only you know the password. If he's very computer savvy, he will know how to get around this. If you have cable tv or a dvd player, he will figure out that he can watch porn without downloading it, therefore hiding it.
The real problem though, is not methods to force your husband to comply, is it? It's the fact that you view what he is doing as a type of infidelity, and he knows it is too, but he is betting on that you will blow up from time to time but never leave him over it. Now it's a battle of wills.
There are many people who are going to post here that porn is not a problem, and that you are wrong. You aren't wrong, and they aren't wrong either. The issue at hand is that you and your spouse don't agree on this.
If it's a moral and value dealbreaker, then you need to tell him it is. But first I suggest that you enter marriage counseling. If the counselor leans toward one of you, either of you, then the counselor isn't doing their job. Their job is try to find out if you and your husband can come to a meeting of the minds on this subject, not try to get one of you to change according to the therapist's own personal views.

Answer 4

I think you have to figure out what is the under surface reason for him to do that. It could be the relationship probelm or it could be his childhood. Sure we know that male sex are prone to feel curoius about those stuff. But he goes overboard with this addition, you have to figure out what has been lying behind in his mind the excuse `your nagging.' I guess you guys really have to sit down to have sincere talk .If he does not want it, at least, you'd better seek some help from relationship counselling. So that you can minimize the possible ego issue or his denying issue by talking to him upfront. Good luck

Answer 5

Give him 3 weeks like he asked...at the end of 3 weeks if he is still looking at porn (somehow you know, right? I mean some how you are looking at his internet activity) then get him (and you) some counseling...my 2 cents anyway

Answer 6

I am truly sorry this has happened to you, i know from experience that addiction, is addiction no matter what it is that has them trapped. I was married to my High School sweet heart for 8 years. We had a beautiful son, which was named after my husband. I thought that the life we had together was my dream come ture, until it came crashing down one day so fast, i didnt know what to expect next. It began by small things that i started noticing, that i had over looked for too long. First of all, he left hints of drug abuse, like not sleeping, staying away from home alot, and being distant from me etc. After denying it for months, i finally caught him red handed, and he knew then there was no way he could deny it. I begged and begged him to get help. I offered to go with him to counsiling, whatever as long as he would get better. He aggreed, but never attended anything. He would do it on his own..it would be hid for another month or so, until the signs i had preveously been overlooking, became more obvious to me. With this additction, came many more, the main one being addited to sex, which caused mutiple affairs. When this became revealed to me, i could not, and would not live this way any longer. He did not want to let the marriage go, but was unwilling to get help still...I had to walk away, I was not willing to put my life in jepordy more importantly my sons. I left him. I loved him, but i could not help him. He had to make choices for himself, and deal with the conciqunces of his choices. One of which, was loosing his family. After two years, He was arrested (with another woman) and sent to prision. I was left with a heavy sice of guilt. Since he was gone so much, i never had the opurtunity to talk to him and ask him why? why couldnt you just love me? Guilt had me bound for a very long time, The truth is, no matter what, if they want to stay tied up in an additction, they will, no matter what treatment, love, compassion is offered, it is ultimatley up to the individual to be free from it. Until that person wants that, you can hang it up, they will never help themselves...Just know that this IS NOT your fault! You could be miss america, and still be found in this exact same spot! You take care of you, know in your heart you did what you had to do to help, and it didnt work...then if worse comes to worse, and you have to start over, you can do it with a clear consiance, and a new heart! Best of luck to you! ( i have been divorced now for over a year, and am still a single mom, but am loving every second of it, he is out of prision, superivised visitation with our son, and already in a nother relationship. I am still single, by choice.)

Answer 7

First off it seems he just wants to look at porn more than he wants to do the other things available to him! Are there no real women available to him? does your marriage have problems? It is no one fault but his that he looks at porn, the question is why he looks at porn so much!

Answer 8

Just like trying to tell a drunk they are drunk. If he won't listen to you,then by all means get who you must involved to maybe help him. The help will not do any good if he doesn't want to help himself. Good Luck.