Suddenly a cold hand started touching and tapping his face. Those simple touches caught a bit of his attention. He was still sleepy as he opened his eyes and he saw a woman wearing a black dress. She looks pale and expressionless.
2007-06-09 23:56:59 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous in Education & Reference ➔ Words & Wordplay
Yes, right up until the last sentence.
Try "She looked pale and expressionless".
2007-06-10 00:06:10 · answer #1 · answered by maddog27271 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
All but the last sentence. It should be she "looked" pale... or "appeared" pale and expressionless. Personally, I've never liked constructions like "started touching..." I prefer, "began to touch and tap his face." But it isn't really ungrammatical to use your form. Also for "caught a bit of his attention," I would have said, "attracted his attention," but that's a vocabulary item, your verb tense is fine.
2007-06-10 07:07:51 · answer #2 · answered by Elaine P...is for Poetry 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I like it. The tenses are fine until the last sentence.
How 'bout "Her look was pale and expressionless."
or "The pale, expressionless look on her face made him feel...." (or 'told him...')
The simplest tense change to make the last sentence proper, as to not alter your style, would be "She looked pale and expressionless." It doesn't change the time of observance - it just respects the third-person, outside, omnipotent view and understanding of the storyteller.
2007-06-10 07:54:38 · answer #3 · answered by answerchef 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Caught his attention-- remove the "a bit of"; and the last should use "she looked" instead of "she looks'. The rest is fine.
2007-06-10 07:09:23 · answer #4 · answered by lyyman 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The last sentence should be "looked".
2007-06-10 08:04:36 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
the last sentence should have looked
2007-06-14 06:31:48 · answer #6 · answered by Schumi 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋